I have used this quote many times and to this day it is still my absolute favourite to recite.

The Man In The Arena
“It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly…who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who have never known neither victory nor defeat.”
Teddy Roosevelt

I believe in life if we dare greatly we can never fail, so long as when we stumble we continue to try. This is all we can do in life. Instead of giving up, instead of being too hard on ourselves, instead of pointing the finger at others to stop looking at ourselves and instead of plain out not trying we need to give our best shot at everything we do. Because “the credit belongs to the man in the arena”

I’m in that arena every day. Are you?

xx Badassbon

Am I that interesting? Some would say so, and I would agree with those people. As a diehard procrastinator I’m trying to get into the swing of writing again. What better way than to follow a 30 day guideline and stick to it. Thank you Pinterest for never ending content ideas.

Day 1. Post a picture of yourself with 10 facts.

Fact 1. In case you didn’t know I am a Badass. Actually people called me Bonnie B from age 15 onward. As I jumped into my public speaking and service career people started calling me Badassbon. The B from my teen years stood for Bitch ? I am glad I’ve grown out of that name and into my more fitting one.

Fact 2. I do public speaking. This literally was not on my radar. I knew I wanted to help people and I did always enjoy the limelight, but it was when I went to a conference a couple years ago that I knew my destiny. I shared a bit of my story with my table and before I knew it I was standing on a stage giving the audience my two minute story. I talk fast so they got quite a bit hahaha. Well here I am still sharing my story for the world to hear, but now I do it in 20-40 minutes.

Fact 3. I found my bio dad 2 years ago after searching for 17 years. Thank you Facebook. This was an emotional one for me, as I looked for so long and I never had the courage to call any of the phone numbers I had found. I would instead get my Mom to call. To no avail. When I found him I was heartbroken to hear my mother had contacted him many years before to inform him he was not my father….. side note, he is. She can never take away everything from me no matter how hard she tries.

Fact 4. I have not talked to my mother in 3 years next month.

Fact 5. When I stood up for myself and said fuck shame I publicly shared my story that my step father had in fact molested me. It was then that I cut off all contact to both of them. They still live together to this day.

Fact 6. I travelled with the carnival for many years I started at 14. Back at 15 and 16. From 18-24 and some local spots up until 30. They were singlehandedly my truest family for many years. Truly a place I was never judged and could be my authentic self.

Fact 7. I have a brother. His name is Edward. He was 5 years older than me and passed away. He had 39 disabilities and didn’t grow up with me, but he was very special to me. You can read about him in the book Sacred Hearts Rising: sparks of light. Extra fact. I co-authored a chapter in each of the Sacred Hearts Rising books.

Fact 8. I hold two titles that I won in the Miss BC pageant. One provincial and one regional. Mrs. Charity BC and Mrs. Lower Mainland 2019-2021 I cherish these titles. I worked very hard for these titles and am the proudest of myself for never giving up.

Fact 9. I can swim really really well. My form is atrocious hahaha but I can hold my own. Last summer I swam almost across Hayward lake and back and chilled in the middle for sometime. Got a bit hairy when the current came in, but we all made it. Extra fact. I grew up with an indoor pool and was taught unconventionally. Also known as figure it out hahahaha. Us 80’s babies are tough.

Fact 10. I love my tribe. If I love you I will always be there for you. Wether it’s family, a friend, a significant other or even a pet. If you are in my tribe I will forever be in your corner. My best attributes are my loyalty and integrity.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s prompt My favourite quote and why.

xx Badassbon

Frustrated, angry, sad, happy, miserable, alone……. These are just some of the emotions I have felt in the past 30+ days. Some more than others, and some that linger for days, but in feeling these emotions and allowing them all not to win was the battle. Is the battle. The never ending cycle of living through trauma really, and now were hit with this new way of life and it seems everything I’ve always felt feels ten times stronger than they did before.

When this COVID virus hit us and became a part of our reality and was no longer something happening on another part of the world life drastically changed, and let me tell you I took it especially hard. If you know me personally you would know people give me life. I rarely spend 24 hours in my home without seeing a handful of people. I definitely don’t go a week without some forms of networking or restaurant visit, be it a business lunch or girls get together. It happened so suddenly too.

But that’s life and if I had to pick another word other than badass for myself it would be resilient, and through my resiliency I find my way through. I always do, if you question my badassery please start my blog from the beginning.

The first two weeks of isolated living I found myself looking to have control somehow, and so I became obsessed with controlling the cleanliness of my house. I cleaned my place as if I was moving out, and it was crazy… yet here I am two weeks later looking at my desk wondering which hurricane came through and why.

Like I don’t even know how what happened. Okay, yes I do. I start getting distracted with other projects and the papers start stacking and then I get into a funk and now I have to start at square one all over again. #Ihatecycles

Because of COVID and social distancing and never going out I feel like I’m living in a timeless wormhole of daily repeats. It has become ridiculously easy to say tomorrow repeatedly and then boom it’s been a month and a bit. On the bright side of staying home is I should be able to get more done. Like that podcast I’ve been talking about doing, or the much anticipated book of my life and I definitely should have blogged more than twice in 5 weeks. It is what it is. Depression sometimes wins.

Here’s the thing though. My depression and I are in a never ending game of tennis and just because it won a game doesn’t mean it’s game over. So, here I am, this ones mine for sure. I believe that as we become aware of our shortcomings and give up on denying them we are much better at rising above.

I just want everyone out there to know whatever it is you’re going through you; you’re not going through it alone. The person home alone battling depression, the one fighting demons, the one fighting for their life, the ones stuck in an abusive situations, the one still full of shame; I have been all these things yet I’ve accomplished so much while still struggling; I want you to know giving up isn’t an option.

In a live interview yesterday with some co-authors of a book I’m a part of I was called a powerhouse. I sure didn’t feel like one as the day before I was in bed until 2pm sleeping and then spent another portion of the day crying. Then I remembered who the fuck I am. Remember who you are. I’m not perfect and never will be. I will always be a little different and do things in a way that make sense to only me but at least I’m doing them.

I am Badass because I am a powerhouse of a woman for standing up for what is right. I have ditched so much shame for years of trauma and for that I am Badass. I ask you to look into a mirror and ask yourself what makes you Badass and then don’t forget that.

Stay safe. xx Badassbon

To think that March 13th I was out celebrating a friends birthday with no care in the world, and today I am finishing up day 10 of isolation with no end in view. So let’s have some real talk on isolation from my perspective.

I feel I am on autopilot with not much purpose in life. As a small business owner I have been hit hard with this situation, but I am not even worried about that currently. Instead my mental health comes first. I, like many others have depression, anxiety and PTSD. When I started serious social distancing I knew it would be a struggle for me, as I feed off human interaction. The first few days all I did was cook, bake and clean. I slept maybe 4 hours a night. Actually lets be completely honest. I slept 4 hours in the damn morning because I can’t fucking sleep. I can’t sit still. I can’t go out. I’m forced to be alone. This is literally so hard for me.

I started feeling like a robot. Go to sleep finally around 6 am, wake up at 10 am, coffee times 6, start baking and cooking and organizing and cleaning and before I know it it’s night time and thats where the loneliness kicks in. Kids are asleep and I am alone. Considering I am a single woman I should be used to being alone right? Wrong. The isolation blues have set in. No dinners out, no lunch dates with the girls, no Friday night drinks, no flirting with the guy I like and just enjoying his company. Instead I am in a constant state of what do I do so I don’t go crazy. From cooking a turkey dinner to baking a random cheesecake to the hundreds of times I walk up and down my hallway with no reasoning.

It’s disassociation at its finest once again. If I chose to just lay around and watch movies most likely I will do that for days falling into a deeper state of depression. So I cook and bake and eat and clean. This is my life.

The feeling of isolation has gotten the best of me. I have cried twice in these ten days. Nothing makes you feel more alone than being alone in the first place and then being alone crying just tops the cake. Oh ya I baked a cake too.

I am realizing how I took so much for granted. How I spent so much time on stupid shit. I’m trying to see the light in all this. Not only is our Earth on a time out and healing we are too. I’ve realized what I care about and what really matters. The relationships in my life matter most; my children and my closest friends. My relationship with myself too; how can I grow from this and become the best version of myself. No point in being isolated and not learning from this right.

What I have learnt about social distancing though is humanity is good. Not all, but more than I may have thought before. The integrity I have seen in some people blows me away. The amount of people willing to help others is amazing to see. As someone with lung issues it is scary for me to go out, yet I have some pretty amazing people in my life. All of my groceries were delivered by a friend, meals have been exchanged, coffees dropped off, and best of all birthdays gifts on my day. Even though we are in a new way of life does not mean life is over it just means we adjust to keep people safe. It’s part of being resilient.

I look forward to being able to physically see people again, to hold my nieces and nephews, to go out for play dates with the kids and to freely go about our lives. But for now I will continue get through everyday the best I can. Never will I take for granted the little things in life.

Drop your go to activities during social distancing in the comments. It would be great to hear how everyone is getting through this.

So today I had the opportunity to speak for a group on facebook made up of survivors. This is my passion you see. To show people how to transition from victim to survivor. Yes, I was victimized, but to live my life as a victim serves no one. It is like carrying around a backpack full of rocks and trudging along in life miserably. Angry, hurt, sad and not letting go. When you make the choice to become a survivor life becomes easier to live. That backpack of shame, guilt, trauma and regrets no longer holding one down.

For many years I held onto my past thinking I was the way I was because of the molestation, abuse and shaming. Which sure, it set me on a path most wouldn’t want but it is something I cannot change. There is no time machine, there is no going back and there is no forgetting it. But we have this thing in life; its called choice. I chose to no longer let my past define me. I also owned up to all the shitty things I did in my life and separated my shame from my parents shame. I had shame for the shitty parent I was in the beginning, but I also gave my step dad his shame back for molesting me and my mothers shame for abandoning me and treating me poorly.

When I did all those things I took back my power. This was where all the magic happened. I started doing things for me and started putting myself first. I started the long road to healing and stopped feeling disgusting for something I had no control over. It’s crazy how messed up trauma can change us. From dissociation, to coping mechanisms, to not having boundaries, to my brain development, to tried suicide attempts. I never thought I would live a normal life. That was until I learned there was no such thing as normal. Who defines normal? Who is to say how we are to live our lives? Exactly.

Today I set boundaries, I say no without explanation and I live my best life. Thats when I decided to start my clothing line. Really it is much more than a clothing line. It is a movement. A way of life. It is a tribe of people supporting me and those around them to live an authentic and vulnerable life. Here are some of the things I have done that I consider Badass. I left a man after almost 8 years because I no longer loved him and knew I deserved more than a life filled of hatred and physical violence. Leaving a domestic violent relationship is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Badass! I filed a report on my stepfather over 20 years later (thank you Canada for having no statute of limitations on these offences) and that was badass! I wrote about my experiences in 3 seperate published books in the hopes it would give other people courage. Again pretty Badass. I left my marriage when I knew it was detrimental to my children and myself, another Badass thing I had to do to live my best life.

There’s a lot of little things that I do that is pretty Badass as well. I have PTSD, anxiety and depression, and guess what….. I don’t let those things stop me from showing up in life. Instead I carry these things with me and have learnt tricks to live with them. Like when I really don’t want to get out of bed I countdown from 5 and say blastoff and just do it. This is something I learnt from reading a Mel Robbins book. I trained myself to start believing in myself again. Writing positive self affirmations around my house, by positive talk and by writing and sharing my story. Ill never stop sharing my story because every time I do it reaches a new person and changes their life for the better. It’s about building a tribe of people that no longer want to sit in their story but sit on it instead. Let me tell you the view is much better from up here.

Being badass isn’t a bad thing. It’s a way of life. It is about doing everything you do with a positive attitude and with everything you’ve got. It is about building a community of likeminded people who are ready to change the world. We can all be change makers if we put our heart into it. Courage is contagious so spread that shit everywhere!!

XX Badass Bon

Well, it has been some time since I have engaged with all those that read my blog. I apologize for pulling a ghost move, but I had needed some time to get my life in order. Children are a blessing, but they require much time. Struggling with getting a designation for my one son while fighting with my daughters mental health took a toll on me. I chose to back away from a lot of events and writing and took some me time. Of course those that know me know I rarely settle right down so of course I had a few things going while on my downtime.

That’s what I am here to share with you about. It is okay to slow it down once in awhile and reevaluate your life. Just don’t completely stop, question yourself or throw in the towel. All things I do quite often. I have come to realize I am human and I have faults. What sets me aside from others is I am willing to share my struggles with those that know me and those that don’t to offer guidance in what not to do, and to push them to excellence.

It’s a new year and that means New Years Resolutions, but do you ever stick to those stupid resolutions? I know I don’t, so instead I am simply focusing on the same goals I have had for a couple years now. Personal growth. Financial security. Starting a clothing line. Speaking internationally. Writing my memoir. Starting a podcast. But most importantly doing what I started to do when I chose this lifestyle. To make a fucking difference in the world. To be the person I needed all those years ago. To lift people up so they can also be a BADASS boss in their own life.

And so I am back to blog and inspire. To ditch my shame in order to open the door to those that need guidance in ditching their own shame. I am here to be vulnerable and authentic; because that is fucking BADASS!!

So stick around, its only 5 days into the New Year and I am already booked on one internet show, booked in Edmonton in Spring, running a new clothing co, working on content for my podcast and have been informed my 2 titles of Mrs. Charity BC and Mrs. Lower Mainland are mine for another full year. This is a wicked start to an amazing year!

I am confident in those I surround myself with as I grow into the Bonnie I was always meant to be. I look forward to the relationships around me growing, and pushing myself to new limits.

And so I leave you with this quote that I read often. A reminder to show up and be the one in the arena.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory or defeat.” Theodore Roosevelt

I believe I fail often, but it is what you do when you fail that defines who you are as a person. I’m not one to stay down and my history has proven that. I am a warrior, a fighter and an all around Badass in this thing we call life.

I quite enjoyed school growing up, I didn’t think I was the smartest but I was definitely not dumb. I was always proud to show off my work to my Mother, the one person I wanted acceptance from, but it was not accepted. Slowly my self esteem dwindled. The sexual abuse I experienced also pushed me lower into self doubt. I always thought everything I did wasn’t good enough. A grade 8 drop out I began to believe I was not smart at all and could never achieve greatness in life. I never saw myself with a career and I could never stick to one thing long enough.

Accounting, office work, retail, sales. None of it seemed for me. I also had low self esteem and played it small in most jobs. I was always afraid someone would tell me I was doing it all wrong and I was done feeling stupid in my adult life after spending my teen years surrounded by those feelings.

Today I don’t think I am dumb but I do have some traits that hold me back. I sometimes self sabotage and my procrastination skills are on point and I’m not proud of that lol. Now just before Summer this year I was approached on Facebook by a woman who just loved what I was doing with my social media. She was amazed at my confidence challenges and bringing community together. She saw me for the service work I was doing to make the world a better place. We met in person shortly after and from the moment we met she believed in me. She saw something in me and not only praised me for my awesomeness but invested in me.

See this woman is owner of Primetuitive Education and she wanted me to take one of her classes called Train the Trainer. She invested her time and invited me to take her course. She saw something in me I didn’t see. She saw my strengths and she was positive I was meant to be on her team in the near future teaching her programs.

So about this good news I had. I got the call today that I was asked to take the Project Manager program, and was told I would be simply amazing at it too! As I blushed hearing these compliments I started to hear those limiting beliefs in the back of my head that I am not qualified and would pretty much suck.

And then I found this

When people have trust in you and believe that you will be good at something trust what they see

So, I will walk into this program next week with my head held high ready to learn. If I don’t know the answer to something I will ask for an explanation. And I will give 100% of my ability into these next 11 weeks.

I’m not going to lie. I am nervous and scared. Nervous because that is just a natural reaction. Scared because I live a pretty busy yet relaxed life and this is game time. Time to start living life at full speed and take the opportunities that are going to put my future in a good place. A place of abundance and reliability. As a single Mother this is going to be tough, but I have some pretty Badass people in my life that support me and are willing to help me.

I am always so grateful for where I am today. I have reinvented myself, lost family, been vulnerable, built integrity, fallen down plenty but most of all I have managed to constantly get back up and build a family built on friends.

It is all about living a Badass life and I intend on being as Badass at life as I can!! I will rock this program and by next year I will be teaching.

So you never know who is watching and you never know who is willing to invest in you. If someone ever believes in you make sure you trust what they see.

XX Badass Bon