Bittersweet

A lot of my friends have been asking me what is wrong and some have gone so far as saying I am different since I got a boyfriend and honestly maybe I have. I know being in a relationship means I am not available 24/7 anymore, but this is more about me prioritizing my goals. I have been working really hard on sleep, self care and hitting my career goals. A good friend said to me today we’re always carrying something with us wether it be a bag of feathers or a bag of rocks. Which one are you carrying and what can we do about it to lighten the load?

I have been carrying multiple bags of rocks my entire life and ever since I got sober I have been unloading the rocks and replacing them with feathers. Unfortunately I have many rocks to get rid of still so all I ask is be patient. I find I spread myself thin and as a change maker I have many people watching me for guidance and support in their journeys and I love that!! It is why I do what I do, but my friends need to understand that as well. How do I keep 100 relationships going strong? Well in an ideal world I would have monthly meet ups with everyone at once, but life is rarely ideal and it requires discipline and choices.

As for that sack of rocks I have been hanging onto…… I am not different, however I am still grieving many things. Yes, I have jumped huge obstacles lately but they do not heal instantaneously. I still mourn my childhood and struggle with letting go. The idea of my step father living without any repercussions of molesting not only myself but other children devastates me. It makes me incredibly sad because how many others live in this fear? I know he can’t hurt me anymore, but it affects my life in ways like driving through Langley worried he will be at the next stop light. I also grieve the idea of having a mother. I feel empty not having these simple relationships. I’m forever grateful I found my biological father, but to have someone who’s been there for me since a child is missing.

Today I drove through New West on my way to a breakfast meeting and it hit me. My aunt was pretty much my mom growing up. A solid ten years older than me she was always told to bring me along when she would go out. When she got her first car I was there, when my grandma bought her first apartment I stayed there every weekend and when her son was born I was there a lot his first few years of life. Throughout the years we had our spats but they never lasted long. When I lost custody of my kids she took them on. She was the only one who believed the truth about my step dad molesting me. She was my fucking everything. She was my family. She never judged me. She always had my back! Then it happened. I made a choice not out of loyalty but respect. My children were not only raised by her but her husband at the time. My oldest couldn’t rely on her coming to his birthday dinner and instead invited his uncle (her ex husband) to his party. I posted pictures and noticed the very next day my aunt was gone. Blocked on fb, instagram and she even changed her phone number. I emailed even; to no reply. It has been one year and almost 6 months since this happened. Devastated. Abandoned. Lonely. Sad. Angry. What happened to my tribe before I got sober? What happened to my tribe that were there for me through my marriage breakdown? What changed? I know I can’t expect everyone to be by my side all the time just like I can’t make everyone happy at all times.

I have some big events coming up and I lost my momentum, so as I focus now on getting prepared for big things I plan on keeping that momentum going this time. Full steam ahead baby!!!!!

Here is a picture from this morning. That nostalgic moment when I drove over the Patulla Bridge and saw my aunts first apartment. She was 21 and her bedroom was plastered in posters like Def Leppard, Bon Jovi and those old school velvet posters. I spent many weekends there eating junk food and watching movies. She met her first husband during this time and he would cook me weird concoctions like hot dog and fried egg sandwiches. It was these times I felt safe and protected from my parents, yet I was not a child. I may have been 11 but I was steadily surrounded by young behaviours and lots of pot smoking. I grew up fast, but thats the easy part. The hard part is the emptiness I feel from the abandonment of my family that I need for support.

I am grateful for those who have entered my life recently and for the ones that are still with me. Those few who call for a lunch at least twice a year mean the most. It is not the quantity of time that matters but the quality of it.

XX

Badass Bon

The good, the bad and the truth.

There has been some ups and downs this past year and extreme successes. I am beyond grateful for it all, but have slowly withdrawn myself from going 100% lately. This doesn’t mean I am going anywhere, in fact I think you’ll see more of me in the coming months, it just means I am human. I didn’t finish school, I’ve never had a job for more than a year, I have had a pretty shitty go, I live with PTSD, anxiety and depression. Some days I just don’t want to get out of bed.

I’ve done a lot of change for one person in 21 months. Learning how to be a functioning human in life isn’t exactly easy considering as an addict I am obsessive and compulsive. Some days I am go go go with no destination and other times I am barely able to focus on much except the pain I find so hard to let go. I mean I have overcome a lot, but some days I just want to scream and say fuck it. It still haunts me…. the past that creeps back in at night and images that will never be forgotten.

One thing I do know though is my choice still stands. I chose on that stage a little over a year ago that I will be a speaker and that I am. I chose to live my life with purpose and to be a positive person.

Tonight, after installing my brand new washing machine and struggling to get it level we decided tonight we would let it be and level it tomorrow. My 14 year old daughter, love her to pieces, with her teen attitude thought I should’ve told her we were getting a new washer. After explaining the other one broke and her not believing me she got quite mad her laundry wasn’t getting done at 10pm lol. I was already pissed off at the washing machine and the situation so I laughed. Well my daughter didn’t find that too funny and freaked out I was laughing. When she asked why I was laughing all I could do was laugh more. I blurted out to my boyfriend “the opposite of laughing is not a pretty sight” I laughed so hard I cried. I think I had a little bit of a breakdown, but I held my shit together. My teenagers get so angry and I just wish they could let go earlier than I did in life.

Being a mom of 3 and being a recovering alcoholic is probably one of the hardest damn jobs. My kids never let me live it down the mistakes I have made. How I wish they could move forward and forgive me. Until then, I will laugh and cry instead of be angry and get drunk.

Not only is being a mom hard but have you ever tried dating someone who isn’t an alcoholic or an abusive control freak? Yea not since my teen years unfortunately. I recently started exclusively seeing a man who won me by being different. Ive been dating for a bit now and it has been a whole lot of crazy!! This guy came out of nowhere and didn’t whisk me off my feet at first, but there were things that I liked but wasn’t used to. Like compliments, who would’ve thought hearing how beautiful you are was amazing. Or actually pushing me to get out of my comfort zone, not afraid to sit beside me at a restaurant (yes Ive never sat beside a guy it is always across from and phones are always out), someone who isn’t all about social media, funny, sweet and a bit on the dorky but hot side. I mean that in a good way if you (the bf) is reading this hahaha. It is the simple things in life that really get my attention. Like sharing our food. When I go out to eat I want variety, and now I found a guy willing to share and not complain.

Balance now. Friends, family, business and alone time is very important. I will be focusing more on business as the summer slowly comes to an end and I look forward to this next chapter in my life. I really hope this next leg of the journey includes less teenage attitude, but I won’t hold my breath.

XX

Badass Bon

Bad habits die hard

I believe habits can be broken, but only with extreme dedication can I overcome my defects of character. Yes, life has given me some sour lemons to bite on and with these hard times I have branded myself into an inspiration to many, however I do not have it all figured out. Just know that as I figure it out I will share all I learn along the way. When I first got sober my story was stuck on my addictions and shame, and then the childhood stuff came out, and eventually the breakdown of my marriage. I have had some extreme highs along the way followed by extreme lows. Time for some truth! I have weeks where my depression is so bad all I want to do is sleep. I then feel no motivation for another week as I come back to my normal.

I just want everyone to know that I have hard times too. It is what we do when we’re down that defines us, and although I may check out at times you will never see me stay down long.

So now that I have given some explanation to why I sometimes miss blogging for a couples weeks lets play catch up.

As you all knew I competed for the Miss BC title over the Canada Day long weekend. I still can’t believe I made it through the intense rehearsals and show in heels and beautiful outfits. I am not a morning person and the days started by 730 each morning and went until 10 each night. What would normally be a very uncomfortable situation for me was the complete opposite. I for once in my life felt 100% accepted. I was the oldest competitor in my category, quite possibly the largest and probably the loudest. I made friends with everyone including the girls competing for Miss Teen BC. The diversity was amazing and hearing everyone’s story really drove home how we all have a story and each one is meant to inspire someone.

I had this feeling the entire weekend that I was doing quite well and even for a moment thought I was going to win this thing. Needless to say I did not win the title, but I did win two awards. First, I won the heart and soul award. This award was won by all the competitors votes as to who was the most inspirational. We voted after hearing everyone share their story in 60 seconds. The second award I won was The People’s Choice award. This award was chosen by the public who had the opportunity to vote their favourite competitor throughout most of June. I was completely honoured to win those awards and just proved to me I am making a difference in the world. My power is resilience. I am proof that no matter how tough I get it I better get on my two feet and live! Live so to show others life is worth living!

I am forever grateful for the opportunity to compete this year, and I am 75% sure I will be competing next year as well. The opportunity to hold a title and use it to further help others is my mission and I really stand for everything Miss BC offers. I would love to help others compete in this competition as well. Let’s get out of our comfort zones and do the unthinkable. We live once, so let’s live it bravely and with purpose.

XX

Badass Bon

When you put your mind to something shit gets done!

Today was literally like 3 days in one! Visits, dinner with friends, packing and sorting pageant stuff, picking up last minute items, cleaning, final lists made, and a good night blog. Hmmmmm, and the feeling around today was anxious. Remember, we procrastinate not to avoid the task but to avoid the feeling associated with the task. So all month, and all week I put off everything that I crammed into 3 days.

I think procrastinating can be avoided now that I know it is the feeling I am avoiding. By being aware of the feeling and thinking it through I may just overcome this issue that probably gives me more anxiety than if I just got it done.

I also think I avoid doing it because in the past I would quit. I never fully finished anything in my life. School, jobs, heck I didn’t even finish a full season due to being pregnant on the carnival lol!!! But here I am killing it. I am going into tomorrow as ready as I will ever be. My van is packed, my morning outfit is ready, my make up is out and ready for the morning; to then be packed up and brought with me, my overnight bags are ready (so grateful for one of my besties to host me so I will only be a five minute drive from the theatre), and my personality is ready to be shared. Let’s be honest, I may look intimidating before my morning coffee but I am literally a ray of fucking sunshine with loads of humour that’ll possibly make some pee their pants a little.

I may not be fully rehearsed, or know every dance step to a T, or even know exactly what my speech will be tomorrow night, but this is how I have done things since I began this way of life. My speeches are never practiced or written down and I feel I get more powerful each and every time I get out there, so I am ready!

Stay tuned for Monday, as I will be back to let you all know how I made out. Honestly I think I’ve won anyways; maybe not the title but the encouragement, confidence, support, and drive to do something that completely scares the shit out of me!! I told my girlfriend that if I was to trip in my huge heels I would just continue rolling on stage to my spot because why not just “roll with it” hahahaha….

XX

Down to the wire.

Two sleeps and I am pageant ready. I am exhausted, almost packed, slightly rehearsed and ready to just go for it. I typically do everything unrehearsed so this is a walk in the park for me. Tomorrow will be a huge day but I say “bring it on!”

Short and sweet. I made the paper, and really thats why I entered the Miss BC pageant to further spread my message and so far it has paid off. So like I say dreams are not for dreaming but achieving!!

When you get that extra boost just at the right time.

I have a major toothache, I can’t remember the last time I had an amazing nights sleep, and of course I have gotten a lot done but not everything. Did I mention I’m a single mom who runs a household full of teenagers and not only is it 3 nights to the pageant but it is the end of the school year and month which means crazy schedules and usual month end errands.

It seems when we think its too much you get a sign and boom your like heck no “I got this!” I had already seen my article for the Abby News online, but once in print it was such a boost of confidence that I am indeed doing what I am meant to. The people that reached out, who shared my article, who sent words of inspiration are my tribe. The people who are inspired by me but also inspire me. It’s a great cycle to be a part of.

Of course there are some peoples support that I wish I was receiving, but I always need to remember that people come into our lives for three things; a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Some reasons plain suck, but if you look closely you’ll see the lesson and when you can find the lesson you can grow. Like learning not all people have your back or are as honest as they say they are. I can’t change the world, or anyone for that matter, but I can improve myself and inspire change in others. And I’m not talking changing who people are, but changing what we are about. Living a purposeful life, being the change we seek in the world, just plain being badass! Why live day in and day out doing the ordinary when we can do the extraordinary and make the world a better place.

XX

My biggest defect of character is procrastination.

Well I have been able to keep my promises to people this week and share my experiences through blogging and that is good. I have also been able to keep the 15 pounds I have recently lost off, so I feel pretty amazing about that too. It has just been hard adjusting to single life again. I have always been a single mom pretty much, but a single person not so much. Even though my relationships were never healthy it is an adjustment to go back to having no companionship.

I have been in such a funk this last month that I have once again left everything until the last minute, but after doing some research I’ve come to learn that I most likely procrastinate not because of the task at hand but the feeling I will feel when doing it. My biggest procrastination this month has been writing my chapter, but I know after it’s all written I will feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Now that I am aware of this I am going to make an honest attempt to put an end to my procrastination.

And as for companionship I am really learning how to reach out to people. Surrounding myself with people who genuinely care about me wellbeing. When we surround ourselves with positive people we tend to start acting positively, and like I always say positivity breeds positivity.

Well that is my food for thought for tonight. Check back tomorrow for more Bonnie Badass!

XX

Love me or hate me. I will always do me.

Anxiety… This is my life on a daily. Worrying. Overthinking. It is simply exhausting, and here I am pushing through it because the alternative isn’t rewarding. I have spent so many years debilitated by other peoples opinions of me that I was trapped in this never ending cycle of trying to perfect myself.

I came to realize recently that I have formed some unusual bonds with people. People who did not like the old me, or had a skewed idea of who I was. It is this new path in life that has given me more friends than I know what to do with. To feel fulfilled by my tribe is a wonderful feeling, and I owe it all to my sobriety. Without sobriety I would still be hiding behind those big brick walls I spent years building. To think I started laying these bricks down as a young toddler.

A girlfriend said to me the other day that she remembered me as a mouthy girl. One with a bad attitude. Looking back I remember that girl and she was simply trying to fit in, yet was always thinking everyone hated her so she showed attention how she was taught. Violence and fighting. Now fast forward to today and the thought of confrontation scares me. Without those walls and booze I am actually a really kind loving person.

A reminder that everyone has a story, and some of them are really heartbreaking. I will not sit here and think about how I could have been a better if life was different because its not. I am not perfect nor will I pretend to be; I am a bit of a princess though. So yea, I am a bit of a hard person with a thick shell that can take a lot of shit, but I no longer need to. You are in my life, or you are not. So to all those people who have stuck by my side, and to all those that have come back around and all of you newcomers who say I inspire you THANK YOU! Thank you for believing in me, for understanding me and for pushing me to excellence. For the haters, y’all need to dig deep inside yourself and figure out your own stuff because I can guarantee when your liking a fulfilled life you will stop hating on others.

Check back tomorrow to see what else needs to get off my chest.

XX

Doing something unbelievable but achievable.

I sit here just before bed making lists upon lists of what I need to get done with only 6 sleeps until pageant weekend. A weekend jam packed with rehearsals and everything required to compete. As a single mom these lists are making me wonder what kind of crazy was I when I decided to apply for a pageant. Me! In a pageant! I am not going to lie I am freaking out. There is a lot to prepare for, and as a procrastinator I am of course getting a late start. Then of course it is the last week of school with my son recieving an award, year end activities, end of the month shopping, cleaning… there is constant cleaning when running a household… and finishing my chapter that will be in the second Sacred Hearts Rising Book.

So, back to me being crazy. Since I was 14 I always thought I was too fat and I thought I was an awkward looking girl. As I grew into a young woman I compared myself to all my friends and I was never happy with what I had for body and looks. How sad as I look back at how some of us portray ourselves. Being molested as a child I never had worth for myself, and this has shown throughout my life. I chose men who never complimented me, and my worth dwindled through every failed relationship. Every time I was put down by a boyfriend I would agree with them. It saddens me how I fell into being a compliant girlfriend who believed I could not achieve better in a relationship and my life. I enjoyed the rush of fighting, yelling and I even enjoyed the times I was beaten. Violence was normal to me and I was caught in the abyss of the family cycle; the one that takes determination and a strong mind to get out of.

There’s a saying I remember hearing often ”honesty is the best policy” and so I bare myself leading up to this pageant and throughout with the determination to continue blogging regularly and to get the out of this funk. My truth is I had a week where all I did was sleep. I was depressed. I wasn’t sad or happy just tired. Raising teenagers as a single mom is one thing, but raising ones when your not even 2 years sober is a whole other kind of parenting. One, I didn’t learn how to love in a normal way by the people who should have protected me, so I am essentially learning how to parent from scratch. Party mom was unreliable, moody and selfish. Two, I am constantly proving to myself and my children that I am strong enough to continue on this path I have chosen. Sometimes I feel defeated by the damage I have caused by being reckless and not thinking about the consequences. I really hope someone is reading this who needs to hear this. We can rise!!

I enter this week with a fresh way of thinking. I no longer need to worry about my looks and my body size because that is not what this pageant is about, or life for that matter. Today I embrace my size and am actually quite happy with many of my attributes. I am not perfect and only strive to be the best me I know how to be. It is what I offer the world that makes me special, and to those like me who have self doubt, anxiety, depression or anything that holds you back from trying I am positive you can overcome it with the right attitude, supportive tribe and determination. I am passionate about helping  build others up to build strong communities. To reach dreams thought impossible.

I joined this pageant for added confidence, to embrace my beauty (we are all beautiful) and to spread awareness. I am sure I will not be the only nervous one, and I am positive that my best will be good enough. Winning is not everything in my book either; I believe every moment, decision and effort is a lesson. I will take away from this experience and continue to inspire others to Stand up, Rise up and Show up. 

XX

“Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?”

Tonight I watched the movie Indian Horse with a friend who is very near to my heart  and boy did we cry. We knew we would and that is why we brought our own box of Kleenex, boy did we ever need them. Imagine me in my seat sobbing uncontrollably while blowing my snotty nose. Yea real hot hahahaha.

On the way home we talked deeply about the historical trauma we as Indigenous people have suffered and this is no different for myself. As much as I am pained by what my parents have done to me tonight I had some compassion. We as humans have choices to make regardless of our past. I personally have made many poor choices and today I rise above them all. Although this movie was based on Residential Schools it still is closely connected to the sixties scoop. My mother was called an “ugly nigger baby that is so ugly no one could love her.” She then lived in 13 foster homes and was abused sexually by multiple persons in majority of these homes. Yes I understand her for this but she chooses to be a victim and not own up to her mistakes. My step dad is a by-product of residential schools and has many mental health issues. Why he chose to molest me is unknown, but I know he needed help. Compassion I have, but tolerance is something I hold in high regard.

As I look back on the file my mom received from her childhood I see the pain that she lived through and in turn put upon me. It is my choice to stand up and end the cycle. It is said it will take 3 generations to heal from historical trauma and so I have some work to do to ensure I help as many people as I can end their cycles. Yes it is fucking hard!! Like Saul in the movie he was triggered and he gave up his dream; became an alcoholic and was filled with anger, but he too persisted. Sounds all too familiar.

When I first heard this song it resonated deeply with me. I listen to it every single day.

 

Understand the following is how I feel when I listen to this song and it is the emotions and thoughts that run through my mind. I am not that broken girl anymore but I am ever so aware of my feelings regarding my life. I am 100% open and vulnerable because I know I am not alone. People message me saying my words are their words that they are afraid to speak, so maybe if I continue to bare my truth it will help others bare their own.

 

How much of my mother has my mother left in me?
How much of my love will be insane to some degree?
And what about this feeling that I’m never good enough?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

My ex would tell me I would grow into an ugly woman like my mother and that I was crazy like her. My biggest fear in life was being like her and being a failure of a mother. Even though I did fail in the early years as a mother who abandoned her children with her mother of all people. Would I love like her always? Like it was meaningless? And this feeling of not being good enough. I wasn’t good enough for her. I did everything to please her as a child. I would proudly show her my school work and she would get mad at me. Always disappointed. Was I destined to be a punching bag? Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in MY blood. Was I ever going to be good enough or was this my place in life.

How much of my father am I destined to become?
Will I dim the lights inside me just to satisfy someone?
Will I let this woman kill me, or do away with jealous love?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

How much of my (step) father was I destined to become? I was afraid to touch my children for years afraid people knew I was molested and if I kept that secret that made me a bad person. I did not hug my children often, but boy I won’t let go now. I dimmed my light to satisfy someone. Several people actually. I kept the secret for fear of ruining peoples lives. I felt it my duty to give up my life for others to not suffer. Jealous love; oh boy. I always loved my mom even though she had a burning jealousy of me and how my Grandma doted on me.

I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need
But it’s never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, can I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

That love was not real. The marriage, the lies and desire to not be a failure. I finally stood on my story demanding the love I deserve and can give. I can change it because I choose to rise above the flood. I believe it can wash out in the water as I have family now that is not blood.

How much like my brothers, do my brothers wanna be?
Does a broken home become another broken family?
Or will we be there for each other, like nobody ever could?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

Our broken family and broken home always fell heavily on my shoulders. If I had never wrote in my diary that he was molesting me my mom never would have found out. She would not hate me for what her husband did. If I was not born she would still have her son. She never told me it was my fault, but she made it very clear the ministry advised her of giving him up as she couldn’t handle both him and me. When you hear it enough you begin to analyze it as if I wasn’t there she wouldn’t have had the choice. 

I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need
But it’s never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, could I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
I can feel the love I want, I can feel the love I need
But it’s never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, can I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

I love this because it is my truth and I choose to rise above. Love will come because I am no longer the way I was. I made the choice to change and now the flood is nothing mere of a puddle. 

XX Badass Bon