My dream is coming true.

First I will acknowledge my week of health care. I have been drinking water and amazing myself that I can actually drink a lot of it and not die! It still doesn’t taste as good as Coca Cola but I know eventually I will not like the taste of cola like I do not like the smell of cigarettes now. I indulged in some fatty food, but I will touch base on that soon. This blog post is dedicated to my last couple of days. 

Saturday, I went to an event in Seattle with my foxhole friend JenN (never forget that second N!!) and her mom (who is my new adopted mom). This event was put on by a mother of an addict; Valerie Silveira. Please GO and purchase her book Still standing after all the tears; nine actions to battle your beast. Let me tell you that this book is not just for parents of addicts. It is for the addict, the sibling of an addict, the child of an addict, and the everyday person who has a beast in their life. A beast can be any one thing that conjures shame, stigma, or guilt. I had the opportunity to speak at her event, and I am so honoured to have been there. 

Now of course everyone knows I am an aspiring speaker, but boy do I have anxiety. A big part of my anxiety is from my childhood and adulthood of trauma. Many daily situations put me into a freeze, fight, or flight state so you can imagine on Saturday I was freaking out. A drink is what I used to use to calm me, and if I had still been drinking I would have killed that stage, but not authentically. I have rewatched my time on that stage, and have critized myself slightly, but I have also given myself a huge pat on the back. Although I ended each sentence with a slap on my thigh, I did stand tall and confident. I am so excited for the next time I will share my story on stage. 

After the event a great indulgence of dinner was rewarded. Why not hit up Red Lobster since BC doesn’t have one and there was one right down the street from the convention centre. Well if you want my advice DON’T GO THERE! It was not very good, and the service was terrible. For $49 USD I bought myself an upset tummy and an embarrassing few moments with my new family on the drive home. Thank God we are the type of people who can laugh at ourselves. 

I have since been surprisingly surprised by the amount of feedback I have gotten on my fb personal and business page. WOW! I touched people with my story and true self. If you asked me a year ago what I had to think of myself I would have said; I am loud, crazy, and an alcoholic coke head. There I said it. So many people were already saying it for me. I was scared of the stigma of being an addict. Now people understand I was numbing myself because I never healed from the childhood of molestation and the adulthood of domestic violence and emotional/verbal abuse. Today, I am strong and a fighter. No I am a warrior! I demand respect and create an environment I can thrive in; one where I like being sober and learning who I am. I am meant to share my story because if I don’t who will? 

If not today when?

When starting a diet it’s always next week. Quitting something, next week. You get the idea. I know how to lose weight. I have been in two major challenges and have competed against other women and have lost a lot of weight, but as soon as that challenge ended and I had no accountability I went back to old habits. I can give you a million excuses as to why, but that doesn’t help anyone. So, for once lets start being honest. I LIKE FOOD. It makes me happy and fills a void. I have a relationship with food and its killing me slowly. Food is one of the hardest addictions because we need food to live, but I know I can live without the crap I choose to eat. 

Look, life is hard. I have abusive parents, no close family outside of my home, and I am codependent. So, I eat to make me happy, however I am not happy day to day. I am really only happy for that small amount of time I am eating something that tastes good. I am writing this and being so frank for accountability and to let others out there know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

Kids went back to school Tuesday and I have started drinking water. I carry around my water bottle like its my baby. Bring it everywhere so I will have no choice but to drink it. If I can stop using cocaine and stop drinking AND quit smoking I think I am more than capable of not drinking pop and getting that water in. By the way, I am a camel and swear I don’t need water lol, but I know its healthy so I am working on my physical self so I can work on my mental self. 

Just remember, life is hard but it is our choice to keep it hard or put into place steps that make it easy. Set yourself up for success. Get a tribe!! You need your people behind you. Set a schedule and adhere to it. Meal prep!! 

Much love and respect.