Connection and Growth

Over this last long weekend I reunited with my biological father. I have known I was adopted since I was very young, but only remember meeting my real Dad once before I was a teenager. I never looked hard to find him because I was always afraid he would turn me away. I grew up being told my Dad left before I was born because he didn’t want me. I was always afraid if I found him he would not want anything to do with me. I also thought maybe he had another family and other kids, so why should I just show up. I found my Dad’s phone number a few times over the years and could never gain the courage to call him, so I would pass the number on to my mom and tell her that if it is him I want him in my life. Well, years passed and nothing. 

Over the course of this past year I have stopped drinking and using hard drugs, started volunteering in my sons elementary school to be more hands on, began conversating with my teenagers and generally having an interest in their lives, gained respect for myself, spoke my mind when I was scared shitless to, owned my mistakes, made new friends, lost old friends, lost my only brother (Eddie I fucking miss you!), made more mistakes than I would like to admit, spoke on a stage and inspired change and gave hope, ended a cycle, began a cycle, lost weight, gained more weight, fell more in love with my husband, disowned my mother, ended all communication and relationship with my step-father (my molester), filed a police report on him (because what he did was wrong), and began to feel every emotion known to man! Then to top it off I found my REAL Father, met him, hugged him, bonded with him, and asked questions I didn’t know I had until I was face to face with him.

I am so pained in this great happiness of my life because my Dad lived with me until I was 2. He did love me, but my Mom found a man with money and saw her meal ticket. I got dragged along for the ride. 

I found my connection in my Dad, and I am so proud to be his Daughter. I can’t wait to meet the rest of my family, and finally feel wanted. 

My growth over this past weekend was undeniable. I communicated through a panic attack, and stood up and spoke my feelings for the first time. I am in charge of me! No one can break me down if I don’t let them. 

I am grateful to be alive, and loved by those who choose to be in my life. I am super grateful I found my Dad.

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