Isolation blues…..

To think that March 13th I was out celebrating a friends birthday with no care in the world, and today I am finishing up day 10 of isolation with no end in view. So let’s have some real talk on isolation from my perspective.

I feel I am on autopilot with not much purpose in life. As a small business owner I have been hit hard with this situation, but I am not even worried about that currently. Instead my mental health comes first. I, like many others have depression, anxiety and PTSD. When I started serious social distancing I knew it would be a struggle for me, as I feed off human interaction. The first few days all I did was cook, bake and clean. I slept maybe 4 hours a night. Actually lets be completely honest. I slept 4 hours in the damn morning because I can’t fucking sleep. I can’t sit still. I can’t go out. I’m forced to be alone. This is literally so hard for me.

I started feeling like a robot. Go to sleep finally around 6 am, wake up at 10 am, coffee times 6, start baking and cooking and organizing and cleaning and before I know it it’s night time and thats where the loneliness kicks in. Kids are asleep and I am alone. Considering I am a single woman I should be used to being alone right? Wrong. The isolation blues have set in. No dinners out, no lunch dates with the girls, no Friday night drinks, no flirting with the guy I like and just enjoying his company. Instead I am in a constant state of what do I do so I don’t go crazy. From cooking a turkey dinner to baking a random cheesecake to the hundreds of times I walk up and down my hallway with no reasoning.

It’s disassociation at its finest once again. If I chose to just lay around and watch movies most likely I will do that for days falling into a deeper state of depression. So I cook and bake and eat and clean. This is my life.

The feeling of isolation has gotten the best of me. I have cried twice in these ten days. Nothing makes you feel more alone than being alone in the first place and then being alone crying just tops the cake. Oh ya I baked a cake too.

I am realizing how I took so much for granted. How I spent so much time on stupid shit. I’m trying to see the light in all this. Not only is our Earth on a time out and healing we are too. I’ve realized what I care about and what really matters. The relationships in my life matter most; my children and my closest friends. My relationship with myself too; how can I grow from this and become the best version of myself. No point in being isolated and not learning from this right.

What I have learnt about social distancing though is humanity is good. Not all, but more than I may have thought before. The integrity I have seen in some people blows me away. The amount of people willing to help others is amazing to see. As someone with lung issues it is scary for me to go out, yet I have some pretty amazing people in my life. All of my groceries were delivered by a friend, meals have been exchanged, coffees dropped off, and best of all birthdays gifts on my day. Even though we are in a new way of life does not mean life is over it just means we adjust to keep people safe. It’s part of being resilient.

I look forward to being able to physically see people again, to hold my nieces and nephews, to go out for play dates with the kids and to freely go about our lives. But for now I will continue get through everyday the best I can. Never will I take for granted the little things in life.

Drop your go to activities during social distancing in the comments. It would be great to hear how everyone is getting through this.

Why Badass?

So today I had the opportunity to speak for a group on facebook made up of survivors. This is my passion you see. To show people how to transition from victim to survivor. Yes, I was victimized, but to live my life as a victim serves no one. It is like carrying around a backpack full of rocks and trudging along in life miserably. Angry, hurt, sad and not letting go. When you make the choice to become a survivor life becomes easier to live. That backpack of shame, guilt, trauma and regrets no longer holding one down.

For many years I held onto my past thinking I was the way I was because of the molestation, abuse and shaming. Which sure, it set me on a path most wouldn’t want but it is something I cannot change. There is no time machine, there is no going back and there is no forgetting it. But we have this thing in life; its called choice. I chose to no longer let my past define me. I also owned up to all the shitty things I did in my life and separated my shame from my parents shame. I had shame for the shitty parent I was in the beginning, but I also gave my step dad his shame back for molesting me and my mothers shame for abandoning me and treating me poorly.

When I did all those things I took back my power. This was where all the magic happened. I started doing things for me and started putting myself first. I started the long road to healing and stopped feeling disgusting for something I had no control over. It’s crazy how messed up trauma can change us. From dissociation, to coping mechanisms, to not having boundaries, to my brain development, to tried suicide attempts. I never thought I would live a normal life. That was until I learned there was no such thing as normal. Who defines normal? Who is to say how we are to live our lives? Exactly.

Today I set boundaries, I say no without explanation and I live my best life. Thats when I decided to start my clothing line. Really it is much more than a clothing line. It is a movement. A way of life. It is a tribe of people supporting me and those around them to live an authentic and vulnerable life. Here are some of the things I have done that I consider Badass. I left a man after almost 8 years because I no longer loved him and knew I deserved more than a life filled of hatred and physical violence. Leaving a domestic violent relationship is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Badass! I filed a report on my stepfather over 20 years later (thank you Canada for having no statute of limitations on these offences) and that was badass! I wrote about my experiences in 3 seperate published books in the hopes it would give other people courage. Again pretty Badass. I left my marriage when I knew it was detrimental to my children and myself, another Badass thing I had to do to live my best life.

There’s a lot of little things that I do that is pretty Badass as well. I have PTSD, anxiety and depression, and guess what….. I don’t let those things stop me from showing up in life. Instead I carry these things with me and have learnt tricks to live with them. Like when I really don’t want to get out of bed I countdown from 5 and say blastoff and just do it. This is something I learnt from reading a Mel Robbins book. I trained myself to start believing in myself again. Writing positive self affirmations around my house, by positive talk and by writing and sharing my story. Ill never stop sharing my story because every time I do it reaches a new person and changes their life for the better. It’s about building a tribe of people that no longer want to sit in their story but sit on it instead. Let me tell you the view is much better from up here.

Being badass isn’t a bad thing. It’s a way of life. It is about doing everything you do with a positive attitude and with everything you’ve got. It is about building a community of likeminded people who are ready to change the world. We can all be change makers if we put our heart into it. Courage is contagious so spread that shit everywhere!!

XX Badass Bon

It never goes away but it gets easier

“Some people survive and talk about it. Some people survive and go silent. Some people survive and create. Everyone deals with unimaginable pain in their own way, and everyone is entitled to that, without judgement. So the next time you look at someone’s life covetously, remember… you may not want to endure what they are enduring right now, at this moment, whilst they sit so quietly before you, looking like a calm ocean on a sunny day. Remember how vast the ocean’s boundaries are. Whilst somewhere the water is calm, in another place in the very same ocean, there is a colossal storm.” Nikita Gill

The storm is always in the heart. Sometimes it hurts so much and I think it will never end. Loneliness; not from being alone but from being outcasted. Yes, I am one tough woman, but I too have my moments of loneliness and abandonment. I yearn for something I cannot quite figure out. The loss of my loving Grandma maybe. The idea of loving parents quite possibly. The loss of a childhood most likely.

Two years ago today I boarded a plane into the unknown. I was in a loveless marriage and too afraid to be alone. I jumped at the chance to be a part of a retreat for adult survivors of child sexual abuse. I had no idea how much this would change my life. Although I am a people person I get a ton of anxiety meeting new people. I was on this journey to stay with a group of women I had never met. I had no idea the power behind being with other survivors.

When growing up I never imagined what I endured happened more often than not. I had no clue the statistics, and now that I do it is a mission to talk about my past freely no matter how difficult it is. The more we talk about it the more we take the shame and stigma away. You bet it is uncomfortable. You bet no one wants to have a discussion on it. But if not now when!? If we don’t talk about it it will never stop.

When I went to The Younique Foundation Retreat I didn’t really understand how the abuse changed me. I think differently, I react differently, and I dissociate often and easily. I have PTSD, I rarely sleep at night (this is when the abuse always happened), and I get weird over even hugging my own children (something I work on daily). I cry often and usually alone and mostly when I blog. I overthink EVERYTHING and I still struggle with the idea of anyone truly loving me.

This retreat was one big piece to fixing myself. I learnt that I am not alone, and sadly that too many children are abused and almost always by someone they know. For me it was my Step Dad. The man who adopted me and raised me as his own. He spoiled me and I thought I owed him for giving me this great life, but was it so great? Would I have been where I am today if my Mom and I stayed in the downtown East side of Vancouver? I will never know. What I do know is it was not my fault. I know now that NO is a complete sentence. I know my worth.

When I got home from this retreat I stood taller. I was ready to fully stand on my story and no longer in it. I was done being the victim and ready to be a change maker. When I talk about my past people always offer their apologies. I get it, its uncomfortable but what I really want is for you to listen and be a part of ending it. How can we end it? We talk about it, we spread awareness and we educate our children on what is right and wrong and to never ever be afraid to tell. My Mom was abusive and I was always so scared to tell her. This is why my abuse went on for more than a decade.

Going to this retreat gave me 7 lifelong friends. I actually have a bird tattooed on my arm for each one of them. Always together strong and united in ending childhood sexual abuse. Always together on living our life the best way we know how. We are bonded by our horrific pasts that only survivors can understand. We get it. As someone who has tired to commit suicide, who lived life not afraid to die, who hated herself; these other women get me. I am not judged. They also have no pity for me. Nothing but love.

So, two years later I bring up this experience in the hopes that someone comes across this at just the right time. That they will learn of this retreat when they need it most. That just maybe it saves a life. When I got home from this retreat I ended my marriage. I got my voice back and I learned how to use it. I look back at the growth in two years and it is my confidence that has grown the most. When I walked into this retreat I saw an ugly woman that did not deserve love. I now see my beauty and no longer compare myself to others. Although I have not found love from a partner I have learned to love myself. Now that is growth.

If you or someone you know has been sexually abused as a child and struggles with it please check out this link. Apply and go. All it costs is a flight and your time, yet the amount of therapy and experience you get in a jam packed 4 days; well you can’t put a price on that one bit.

https://youniquefoundation.org/application/

I leave you with a few pictures from my experience. An experience I will never forget; one that forever changed my life for the better.

Back to reality

Well, it has been some time since I have engaged with all those that read my blog. I apologize for pulling a ghost move, but I had needed some time to get my life in order. Children are a blessing, but they require much time. Struggling with getting a designation for my one son while fighting with my daughters mental health took a toll on me. I chose to back away from a lot of events and writing and took some me time. Of course those that know me know I rarely settle right down so of course I had a few things going while on my downtime.

That’s what I am here to share with you about. It is okay to slow it down once in awhile and reevaluate your life. Just don’t completely stop, question yourself or throw in the towel. All things I do quite often. I have come to realize I am human and I have faults. What sets me aside from others is I am willing to share my struggles with those that know me and those that don’t to offer guidance in what not to do, and to push them to excellence.

It’s a new year and that means New Years Resolutions, but do you ever stick to those stupid resolutions? I know I don’t, so instead I am simply focusing on the same goals I have had for a couple years now. Personal growth. Financial security. Starting a clothing line. Speaking internationally. Writing my memoir. Starting a podcast. But most importantly doing what I started to do when I chose this lifestyle. To make a fucking difference in the world. To be the person I needed all those years ago. To lift people up so they can also be a BADASS boss in their own life.

And so I am back to blog and inspire. To ditch my shame in order to open the door to those that need guidance in ditching their own shame. I am here to be vulnerable and authentic; because that is fucking BADASS!!

So stick around, its only 5 days into the New Year and I am already booked on one internet show, booked in Edmonton in Spring, running a new clothing co, working on content for my podcast and have been informed my 2 titles of Mrs. Charity BC and Mrs. Lower Mainland are mine for another full year. This is a wicked start to an amazing year!

I am confident in those I surround myself with as I grow into the Bonnie I was always meant to be. I look forward to the relationships around me growing, and pushing myself to new limits.

And so I leave you with this quote that I read often. A reminder to show up and be the one in the arena.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory or defeat.” Theodore Roosevelt

To believe in oneself is the key to success

I believe I fail often, but it is what you do when you fail that defines who you are as a person. I’m not one to stay down and my history has proven that. I am a warrior, a fighter and an all around Badass in this thing we call life.

I quite enjoyed school growing up, I didn’t think I was the smartest but I was definitely not dumb. I was always proud to show off my work to my Mother, the one person I wanted acceptance from, but it was not accepted. Slowly my self esteem dwindled. The sexual abuse I experienced also pushed me lower into self doubt. I always thought everything I did wasn’t good enough. A grade 8 drop out I began to believe I was not smart at all and could never achieve greatness in life. I never saw myself with a career and I could never stick to one thing long enough.

Accounting, office work, retail, sales. None of it seemed for me. I also had low self esteem and played it small in most jobs. I was always afraid someone would tell me I was doing it all wrong and I was done feeling stupid in my adult life after spending my teen years surrounded by those feelings.

Today I don’t think I am dumb but I do have some traits that hold me back. I sometimes self sabotage and my procrastination skills are on point and I’m not proud of that lol. Now just before Summer this year I was approached on Facebook by a woman who just loved what I was doing with my social media. She was amazed at my confidence challenges and bringing community together. She saw me for the service work I was doing to make the world a better place. We met in person shortly after and from the moment we met she believed in me. She saw something in me and not only praised me for my awesomeness but invested in me.

See this woman is owner of Primetuitive Education and she wanted me to take one of her classes called Train the Trainer. She invested her time and invited me to take her course. She saw something in me I didn’t see. She saw my strengths and she was positive I was meant to be on her team in the near future teaching her programs.

So about this good news I had. I got the call today that I was asked to take the Project Manager program, and was told I would be simply amazing at it too! As I blushed hearing these compliments I started to hear those limiting beliefs in the back of my head that I am not qualified and would pretty much suck.

And then I found this

When people have trust in you and believe that you will be good at something trust what they see

So, I will walk into this program next week with my head held high ready to learn. If I don’t know the answer to something I will ask for an explanation. And I will give 100% of my ability into these next 11 weeks.

I’m not going to lie. I am nervous and scared. Nervous because that is just a natural reaction. Scared because I live a pretty busy yet relaxed life and this is game time. Time to start living life at full speed and take the opportunities that are going to put my future in a good place. A place of abundance and reliability. As a single Mother this is going to be tough, but I have some pretty Badass people in my life that support me and are willing to help me.

I am always so grateful for where I am today. I have reinvented myself, lost family, been vulnerable, built integrity, fallen down plenty but most of all I have managed to constantly get back up and build a family built on friends.

It is all about living a Badass life and I intend on being as Badass at life as I can!! I will rock this program and by next year I will be teaching.

So you never know who is watching and you never know who is willing to invest in you. If someone ever believes in you make sure you trust what they see.

XX Badass Bon

You are looking at the new Mrs Charity BC & Mrs Lower Mainland!

Ok let’s just take that in for a second. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I am a frickin BC title holder!! I won not one, but two titles in the Miss BC pageant!!!!

Ok now that’s out of the way I can really dive into the whole pageant experience and what has been going on in my head since last weekend. Yes, a whole week ago…. Pageant hangover is a real thing btw. This was not my first time competing as some of you know I competed last year for the Miss title. Some women were quite surprised I didn’t win, so I have spent the year trying to figure out where I went wrong. I have learnt it was not my time, and that this last year of growth was essential to where I am today.

Although I was exactly where I was meant to be last year I was not ready to show up fully. I thought I did, but this past weekend really showed me what it means to fully show up. Last year I played small and wasn’t ready to be seen completely. I struggled still with feeling like a failure in different areas of my life.

This past weekend I went in visualizing myself being crowned and walking away with a title. So my journey began about two months ago when I knew there was one coveted provincial title that is given to the Miss Teen, Miss or Mrs who raises the most funds for Cops For Cancer. So my first job was to give it my absolute all in fundraising. Last years Mrs Charity raised something insane like $10,000 so my goal was $6,000. I felt this was a bit high but achievable. I reached out to every single person I knew with a business and got over $5,000 in donations for raffle and auction items. I hosted an incredibly fun burger and beer night. I also used a portion of my shirt sales and all Epicure commissions for my fundraising total. My end total was around the $3,500 mark. I was very happy with how much I raised but was positive it was not enough.

Now when it comes to pageant weekend it is an emotional, empowering, tiring but fun time. At my weight and age my body was fighting me for more rest, but I was determined to make it through the choreo for the opening dance number and be 110% involved in the entire process of the weekend which is full of seminars, workshops and lots of rehearsing.

It was during day two I realized how last year I played it small. On show night we have 10 seconds to say our name, city and sponsor. This is the only chance the audience and judges hear you speak unless you make it to the finalists, and out of 51 women you best make yourself stand out. This was realization #1 that I needed to play big, and so when my turn came up on stage I confidently said “Abbotsford, Mrs. Just a girrrrl like me coaching (my awesome sponsor) BBBBOOOONNNIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” Think loud, proud and full of sass!! I spread my arms out when I said my name and I owned that shit!!!

Next came sports wear. Last year I was like I don’t play sports and I’m not even that active, and so I used a baseball bat and swung at a pretend ball and cutely walked the stage with a smile. SMALL!!!! This year I clapped my hands to get the audience pumped as I bounced to my spot on the stage and I did a couple Zumba moves, I smiled huge and I engaged with the audience. I was nervous! I was scared! I thought I looked dumb even! But I did it with everything I had and it didn’t kill me!!

My evening gown portion I owned that like I was meant to be there. I made eye contact with the audience and my smile said “hey, I am a winner regardless!”

When my name was called into the finalists I was beaming. I was called #11 out of the 16 and that’s when the nerves really set in. Whaaaaaat! I have to stand on the stage and answer questions. Me speak in public hahahahahaha!!!! Miss Canada was like, Bonnie you got this. Be you! Breathe!!!! My turn came and I made it through without messing up and I answered my questions efficiently and on point. Now we sit backstage and wait….. I will be honest, once I became a finalist my night became a bit about me. What would I do if I win. What if I don’t. Do I deserve this. Holy crap I am in a pageant. My mind was whirling, but backstage the women who did not make it into the finalists were all backstage in a circle building each other up. To me that was a beautiful thing. This pageant wasn’t a competition. Yes we all wanted to win, but we all had a message for the world. We are all change makers with big ideas, and when you see a group build each other up like that you know you are a part of something special.

As we all stood onstage in our beautiful gowns and smiles so big our cheeks all hurt names began to be called for crowns and sashes. “And this years charity winner is….. Bonnie Johnstone!!” What!!!!! You mean I raised the most! You mean I was comparing myself to last years winner and for nothing. You mean this self doubt was for nothing! Omg!!!! I gratefully took my sash and crown as 2019-20 Mrs Charity BC and beamed from stage. I set a goal, and I achieved it! I was now a BC provincial title holder and won a pageant! As more names were being called I began to think to myself I should’ve worked harder for the Mrs BC title, but then “and Mrs. Lower Mainland……. BONNIE JOHNSTONE!!!!” WAIT WHAT!!!?? DID YOU JUST CALL MY NAME AGAIN!!!

That is correct, I won a provincial and a regional title. I worked my butt off, I showed up and I gave it my all. On my way home I started thinking. “If only they could see me now.” The ones that laughed at me. The ones who told me I am uneducated and will amount to nothing. The ones who said I was too fat or ugly. The ones who talked down to me. I will admit I am not your average pageant winner. I am not average in life period. I am me though and I will not water myself down for anyone. I am classy with a dash of gangster. I listen to rap music and often come across as rough around the edges and that is because I am!! I am me, 100% authentically Bonnie and today I am more Bonnie than ever before. I make mistakes often but own them. I am not perfect and that is okay. I however am confident, beautiful, wonderful and full of life. It is my mission to spread confidence everywhere I go. I may get laughed at, or looked at funny but that is ok because playing small never got me a crown. Playing small didn’t get me business. Playing small doesn’t achieve goals.

So like I say in my speeches it is time. “Time to STAND up, RISE up and SHOW up!!”

XX Badass Bon

We’re All Battling Something

As someone people look up to for guidance and support people forget sometimes that I also have my own “stuff” to deal with. Just keep in mind being the person that people look up to sometimes I need to be “checked” in on once in awhile too.

So this all has been on the forefront of my mind as I am just over two weeks away from pageant weekend. If your just reading this now and unsure what pageant weekend is all about it is the Miss BC pageant that I am a contestant in the Mrs category of. As we come closer to pageant weekend my mind overtakes in a negative way, but I have come far enough in my healing to notice this.

We all know someone who says things like “I’m too fat” or “my thunder thighs rub together” or simple pointing out all the things they don’t like about themselves physically or otherwise. In my 38 years on this world I have been told more about my downfalls then my beautiful attributes and when your constantly being told negative things we sometimes begin to believe them ourselves. Believing these things can harm our future relationships. When a guy tells you your beautiful and you reply with no I am not eventually your insecurities will get in the way and he will possibly move on as your inner healing is not close to complete and there is nothing he can do to help you. Why? Because we can only help ourselves!!

I know from experience that negative self talk is absolutely a complete waste of time and our breath. I was taught as a child that if I didn’t have anything nice to say not to say anything at all!! Well that goes for self talk too! If you wouldn’t call someone else a fatty you better not call yourself one!

I am proud to say I bought a gown for the pageant and didn’t care about the number on the tag. What I do care about is that it fits my body and it is absolutely beautiful!! Instead of worrying about my body I worry about my health. Instead of worrying about what I look like I worry about how I feel. Over all health begins on the inside out. And the proof is in the pudding!! Since embarking on my healing journey I have gained a solid 40 pounds but funny thing!! When I run into friends the first thing they say is damn Bonnie you look great!!! So how is it I look better heavier? Well because I took off my victim hoodie and moved into my survivor mode and it shows. I smile everywhere I go, and not a fake smile. I’m talking ear to ear I am so damn grateful to be alive smile. You cannot fake these smiles.

Now lets rewind a few years. When I would explain my behaviours I would follow up with an excuse like; my life sucked, my childhood was bad, I was sexually abused, I was beat for years and on and on I could go. I will not downplay the severity of the effects of my past, however no one wants to hear the poor me story. How can I help anyone heal if I continue feeling sorry for myself and being stuck angry at all the people that have wronged me? That’s right! I can’t!

So what has changed?

My mindset. This is something that is constantly evolving into the best version of myself. I believe I will not be truly done growing until I die and can no longer learn. Yes my past is a grim one, but it was my choice to make poor decisions and feel sorry for myself. It was my choice to not reach out for help. Yes, maybe I didn’t know how to ask for help but it is common sense at some point. So that’s what I did. I started reaching out to friends, I started therapy and I have made it my mission to help as many people as I can reach to come to a point in their lives they can move past the hurt.

Today instead of being negative about my body I look for the positive in it, like it has birthed 3 beautiful humans, that my breasts have fed and nourished all of them to be strong babies, that my feet although sore have carried my weight around for a very long time and most importantly without my body and the strength it has I wouldn’t be here.

I have a proposition for you all. When your sitting there thinking negatively…. STOP IT!!! Turn it around into a positive statement and see how you feel. Now I’m going to push it farther. Do this for one month!! Check in with yourself and see where your at in a month on how you feel about yourself.

And lastly, don’t forget to vote for me for this years peoples choice awards. I thank all my support team in advance for constantly voting for me and supporting me in everything that I do. Winning isn’t just for me; winning is for everyone who thought or still thinks they’re not good enough! It’s for those struggling with addictions because guess what they’re people too. It’s for the survivors, the thrivers and change makers! It’s for those that have been beaten of their self worth! This win is for us black sheep and underdogs BECAUSE WE MATTER!!

Vote Bonnie as Peoples Choice

XX Badass Bon

Stop giving your power away

I spent 8 long years trying to make a destructive relationship work. I walked away with my head hanging low and severely low self worth. I also walked away with an amazing little boy who thinks I am a hero. A lot of people say things like; why did you stay so long, why didn’t you JUST leave, why did you give him your power…. you get the idea. I was a strong woman when I met this man, but had absolutely no healing done from my childhood of sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I was loud, rambunctious and full of life ready and willing to be the center of attention at any party. I was known as always being fun to party with and keeping one going until the wee mornings. I was actually very tired from all the partying when I met this man so I was willing to give it all up for the one and “settle down,” boy was I in for a roller coaster ride.

I will admit I gave too much of myself in the beginning. Dropped all my friends and gave every spare minute I had to him. Soon I was head over heels in love, and he said he loved me too. Once I was all in the abuse started. A beating here, a spit in my face there, snarky comments and seclusion from everyone but him. I don’t want to go into full detail on what I endured but give you a picture of how severe this relationship was. By the time I left the relationship I had completely become someone different. Still loud, but not nearly as often. Afraid of how stupid people would think my ideas and opinions were. I rarely spoke up and if I did it was to one or two people and behind closed doors. I even remember starting a blog, but after my first post I said nope not doing that again….. way to vulnerable for me, and people probably wouldn’t read it anyways. I’m just a dumb Indian that no one cares about. Just another statistic.

It took me 5 months to open a new fb account. Even though I was free of him he still controlled me. I was so scared that he would see my account and reign hell on me. His voice was with me everywhere I went “you’re ugly like your mom”, “you’ll never find someone like me” and “you’re a pig.” Everything I did I did with tremendous fear. Going out into public scared the living shit out of me. I thought everyone was looking at me and knew how disgusting I was. I assumed people were laughing at me and knew I was a complete failure.

Fast forward to today. It has been over 13 years since I met that man, and I am taking a stand. No fucking more! Not just to him but anyone that makes me feel less than I know I am. My value is high in this world.

I had this epiphany last weekend when yet again we were being keyboard warriors arguing through text about how he will withhold child support because I withhold our child. Let me please point out I do not enjoy holding our child hostage. It hurts me a great deal watching my son cry for his Dad he misses so much, but someone needs to be the adult and that person is me. When it comes to the safety of my child I have to make the hard decisions about what is safe and what is considered proper parenting. When your “sober” when you see your child but using extremely unsafe drugs and participating in scary behaviour it is my duty as his Mother to make sure he never becomes collateral damage. Supervised visits are few and far between but that is not my issue. What I can do is enforce my own love to our child tenfold so he knows just how special he is. He has no shortage of love.

But, this isn’t about our child or my parenting. It is what happens when we argue that is the topic. After I argue with him I go into a funk. My boyfriend knows what’s up and it impacts our relationship which is a huge no no in my book! Do you allow other relationships to pour into your life like poison? That is what it really is. POISON. Do I need to engage? No. Do I need to remind him of his shortcomings? No. Do I need to put him down because he angers me? Fuck no. So why do I then? Repeated behaviours, cycles and not being aware of my emotions. So take a step back. Is it hard to not involve myself in this anymore? Absolutely not!

It comes down to boundaries. These need to be put into place to ensure success. Blocking his number and having a third person do the communication; this is also important because now the communication is only pertaining to details of visits and the child. Sticking to my guns. This is a hard one. I used to give in all the time, but as I have become stronger in my own recovery (how that looks for me) and have a clear idea on what is acceptable and not acceptable. Putting a rule into place means sticking to that rule!! NO MATTER WHAT!!!! Doing these steps allows me to breathe and fully move on in life, and not be subject to any outrages or comments made out of anger. I don’t need to be told I am a bad mom because I am not. I may have made some poor choices in the past as a mom, but that is the past, something that can not be undone, and I live in the present planning for the future.

So I leave you with this. Brene Brown said this “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we disappoint others.”

XX Badass Bon

Saying no should not be so difficult

Why is it so hard to say no, or it is okay or I am sorry. In the world of social media and being able to contact people at a whim I find people will simply ignore. Heck, I do it too. The guys that message me each and every morning and do not take the hint by me leaving them unread, the friend that wants to gossip or the constant people trying to show me their businesses. The thing is, sometimes I am that person left unread or ignored.

When I gather the courage to ask someone of something and I am ignored the feeling in the pit of my stomach is one that brings me back to my childhood. I am constantly looking for reassurance and acceptance. Just because I help others with these struggles doesn’t mean I am immune to them myself. It really hurts my feelings, but I get it. I don’t like saying no because I don’t want to hurt feelings, but saying no is actually more beneficial to me and those around me. So next time I ask someone something and they can’t help I hope they say no, because ignoring me hurts way more. It makes me feel abandoned when it took me such courage to ask in the first place. It makes me question our friendship and if you respect me as a person.

Now this goes for me too. A couple weeks ago someone offered me a long overdue apology and I really wanted to ignore it, but instead I said thank you. I mean it wasn’t that hard at all, and it most likely validated his feelings of doing the right thing. If I would have ignored the apology I believe he would be stuck in his head about why he doesn’t deserve forgiveness.

This urge to people please is evident in more people than just me. Here’s the thing though. We aren’t supposed to please everyone. We aren’t supposed to all agree on everything. Life would be damn boring if we all had the same opinion don’t you think? I promote you to discuss your opinions even if they are different from mine. You may not sway my thoughts, but a good debate is always in good fun I believe.

We all need to use our voice more. We need to speak up and out much more often and discuss issues. We need to reach out to our friends more. We need to learn to say no when we want to and without explanation because no is a complete sentence.

So I challenge myself, and some of these things I have been doing already. If I am not interested in a product I will say so, if someone keeps waving in my inbox or messaging me I will tell them I am not interested and to please stop and if someone asks me a question I don’t want to say yes to I will say no. I will also start having more discussions because this opens the door for more learning. I will listen to peoples opinions on things and possibly open my eyes to a different way of thinking. I will stop ignoring people because I know the feeling simply doesn’t feel good and I will continue to reach out to my tribe. Now I challenge yourself to do the same.

XX Badass Bon

Stop listening to Negative Nancy…. She is full of shit!!

Maybe Negative Nancy isn’t another person but instead the voice inside my head. Yes, I hear voices! Now that that is out of the way I can tell you about her. She lives in my head and sounds just like me but everything she says is negative. The thing is that what she says to me isn’t stuff I just make up but instead things I have been told about myself in all my years. I know I am not alone in this one bit.

Things I repeatedly hear, but not limited to, are

  • You are ugly and you’ll look just like your Mother one day
  • You are worthless; a complete waste of skin
  • Your a monster and a bad mother
  • Your a fatty, a pig, disgusting and gross

I certainly will not go on as this negative talk gives me a bad feel, but I can say one thing. Verbal abuse lingers much longer than physical abuse. I have scars that I will take to the grave from being hit so hard, yet those scars don’t hurt. The act is even forgiven and forgotten. It’s these words that still fuck me up to this day.

Not an excuse, but honestly this is why sometimes I disappear from going live on fb and blogging frequently. I get in my head with that negative bitch and let her win. For so many years I simply accepted the fact I was meant to be abused and everything I was told I would say back. I remember even saying to my ex things like “yep, I am a waste of skin and don’t deserve to live.” I would then get told I was a victim and playing the poor me card, but deep down I believed all of it.

Nowadays I don’t put myself down but that voice is still there. I get all stoked to get healthy and lose some weight and then I give up and think why bother and eat myself into more weight gain. I plan to go live more but then there she is saying “no one wants to hear or see you”. It has gotten to be a little ridiculous because I know it is all untrue.

I saw this today.

So today I make an oath to myself. Negative Nancy can sit down while I rise back to the top. It all seems to come together in the end really.

As I was getting my son ready for bed I got a text from an ex. It went like this.

“I want to apologize”

“For?”

“All the times I had kicked you out, and as I sit at the river alone I think I feel exactly how you felt all those times. Bonnie, I am truly sorry”

“I forgave you a long time ago, but will never forget as the damage lingers to this day”

“I think how I can fix it, but know I cannot”

Well, tears are streaming. I no longer grieve the relationship, and I truly have forgiven him, but the pain from the words that are stuck hurts to this day. I really hope he can move on because he has taken the biggest step he can by admitting his wrongs. I hope he can heal and become the best version of himself like I am doing. Not for me, but for himself and his children.

And so life goes on as the saying goes. It really does you know. The issue is do you watch life go by and pretend you have no regrets or do you become courageous and live it the way you really want!? I definitely am doing the latter! Joined a dance class, registered to compete for Mrs. BC, continued on my speaking career and choosing to be BADASS in everything I do.

When you look in the mirror every night answer this question. Have you done everything you can today to becoming the person you want to be? Some days it might be no, but I hope that more than half of the time the answer is yes.

My publisher and friend has this quote that I just love!!

So I leave you with that.

XX

Stay Badass