I am back. Yet again…. Do you know how hard it is to be a single mom to 3 children (two of which are teenagers), run a household and a business? While it is very rewarding it is also tiring. Especially when you havent slept well in decades. So, if this sounds like you I suggest looking further into how you can change this.
For me this began with sleep. After my friend telling me I stopped breathing one night I took the steps to find out if I have sleep apnea. We already know falling asleep is hard for me, but once I am asleep I wonder if I get any rem sleep. I do not. I slept over at the hospital and in 6 hours of sleep I stopped breathing over 230 times and my rem sleep didn’t last more than 3 minutes. Yikes!! So bring on the sexy cpap machine. Thank god I don’t share my bed hahahaha. At least this sexy momma will be alive though.
Next, how do I make living with 3 kids a bit easier? Well one I stepped it up. I have vowed to go somewhere new every weekend on an adventure. Building memories are very important and now that I am sober and available I need to prioritize my time. I also am learning to let go with the teenagers. 14 and 15 is when they learn who they are, and I can’t hold their hands along the way (I tried and its not happening) so I am being more lenient and in turn the kids talk to me more. What a win!!
I also was feeling a bit down feeling alone surrounded by so many supporters. Family. I was missing a big piece of my life and again I have prioritized what is most important to me. I met my bio dad in October after being estranged for over 2 decades and over May long weekend I was reunited with my Aunt and Uncle after 28 years!!! I always felt no worth and not loved. I wondered where my family was. Why did no one want me in their lives? Well they did! If my Mom hadn’t told my Dad he wasn’t my Dad maybe I would’ve found them earlier. No! I would have because I found his number multiple times throughout the years and left it to my Mom to call. Little did I know she would sabatoge my chance at being loved. So if I have learnt anything from this it would be take control of yourself! I was too scared of rejection that I never called my Dad, yet if I would’ve I would have been accepted right then and there. It is what it is though, and it is a life lesson. Rejection is a part of life, but if you dont try you dont know and not knowing is worse.
I remember this day and tell this story as the one where “I met my real dad for the first time” this was my only memory of him. I was 12 (in actuality I was 9) and Mom took me on her drinking adventure to Vancouver which was a pretty regular thing. After she got drunk she pointed to my Dad and said this is your Father. Stumped, after sitting there for hours beforehand. I remember the picnic table, the kitchen, basement and my Mom drinking then argueing with my Dad.
I am grateful to have found my family. The family that loves me and wants to be in my life.
I was not prepared to be a Mom. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be a Mom either for fear I would be a repeat of my Mom. Here’s the thing, I kind of was, I was a milder version of her but I still lived selfishly for too many years. I also lived in fear of standing up for myself so my children suffered and watched many arguements, childish behaviour and abandonment. Instead of going on about what mistakes I have done I want to really drive home the point of not giving up.
I can’t turn back the clock, but I can lead by example on where to go when the only direction left is up. I was a shitty Mom for a long time, and my kids test my dedication daily. One likes to remind me of my mistakes, one likes to push me to my breaking point and one is hoping I will crack and give in. When party Mom was around there were no rules and anything went including bedtimes.
It’s that cycle and I don’t think it is too late to break, but I also know my hard work is not yet close to being over. I know now how much the saying “nothing worthwhile comes easy” is true. I will continue to make decisions that may be hard for the kids but in the long run will give them a better chance than the one I had. They will know they are loved, respected, honoured, taken care of and important, but most of all they will know from watching me how to continue on and pull from their strength to succeed. Never give up but push yourself harder.
Today was the first Mother’s Day with no contact with my Mom. I was a tad bit emotional and simply didn’t want to make a fuss out of the day. No big dinner and nothing but taking care of me because I am a good Mother and I deserve the best. I drummed at a lake where no one was around and spent it with family. I really couldn’t be any happier than I am right now in this moment. The realization that I made it!! I matter and I make an impact!
So to all you Moms out there who are maybe thinking you don’t matter…. YOU DO!!! Pick yourself back up, and no matter how long it takes, build a tribe of like minded people and do the work. I regained custody of my two teens back in 2010 after not having them for over 2 years and when I got sober in 2016 I started to really work on building those relationships I never tried to build before. It is never to late and nothing is more important than the relationships we have in life.
Well there went my blogging streak. Maybe I spoke too soon, or maybe life just happened and instead of sharing with you, my audience, what has been going on I froze! Classic Bonnie move really. When I was younger I could just run away to California, or move into a friends, or, what I have been known to do in the past, run away with the Carnival. Now I just freeze, hide and forget.
So here I am owning my shit! I can’t expect to keep this amazing following by holding some of me back right. I have been vulnerable from the beginning sharing things that I have kept secret for most of my life, and if I want to show people how to show up fully I need to do it too.
Yes, I have been very busy speaking and networking but I also attempted to have a dating life. What!! Me!! Date!! What is that? I mean my older children’s dad I met on the Carnival and we practically lived together since day 1 and stayed together almost 5 years. Then there’s my last child’s dad……… we met, I fell hard, I moved in and lost myself along the way. Oh what about my husband…… well he moved in before we were a couple and we were exclusive from April 19th until not many days later we married May 5th. So there’s my dysfunctional love life. Oh, and I did live with a guy before I had kids for over a year, but in true Bonnie fashion I ran away without breaking up with him. Such a coward I was, but not intentionally. I simply wanted to be loved but didn’t love myself because of all the shame I carried.
So back to dating today….. For one, as a sober woman with 3 kids and a career where would I find men? Decent ones too because
I know my worth now and I love myself so much I know what would compliment me now. I met a guy….. and boy was he kind, good looking and the best part FUNNY!!! Too bad I caught feelings when we discussed we wouldn’t. Hi, I am Bonnie and I don’t necessarily listen. I believe I have an awesome friend in him and hope he stays a positive force in my life; feelings aside. I’m proud of myself too!! I communicated how I felt, cried a tiny bit because my feelings were hurt and moved on. At first I thought “what is wrong with me” but then I said to myself it wasn’t meant to be. I believe deeply everyone we meet we do for a reason. I really learnt how to communicate too and that is never easy but oh so important if you want a full life. By full I mean being brutally honest with everyone including yourself, and no matter how hard a situation may be it will not kill you. So if it is on your mind get it off your mind through speaking. A wise friend of mine once said it is the “rule of 72” if it is still bothering you after 72 hours you need to talk about it. It’s an injustice not to. Free your mind to free yourself.
Today I am happily single and trying out dating. I have never been on a “date” and by that I mean no bar and party just two people getting to know each other with no intentions and if after meeting you don’t connect you say thanks for the coffee and go your separate ways. Also, dating now won’t be me putting in all the effort. If someone wants to be around me I will know because they will make an effort equal to mine. Sounds easy enough right? Well I have my first date tomorrow and I’m really nervous!! It includes coffee at Tim Hortons and possibly Castle Fun Park if we choose to after coffee. Brutal honesty right, no point in dragging anything on.