Life, death and everything in between

It has been two weeks since the funeral of my ex’s father, Fred, a man who I hold close to my heart. I wanted to blog every day since his passing, but I simply couldn’t get myself to sit down and write. It’s kind of like everything in my life right now. I am so quick to put things aside and not think about them. It is a lot of work to live a fulfilling life when you’re so used to simply existing.

Today I have started using the 5 second rule that Mel Robbins discusses. When our brain has an idea we need to act on it right then and there, otherwise we are already onto the next idea or thought. So today I woke up after five hours of sleep and I thought of going back to bed I went 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 blast off and got the fuck out of bed. Then I thought, hey I haven’t made a big breakfast in awhile, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 blast off. Then I thought, shit when is the last time I took the kids out for something fun to do? 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 blast off. So, I got my ass out of bed, made a big breakfast that I ate with my kids, and I took the kids to Get Air for a little bit of fun time.

As I sit here watching the kids jump around, listening to Hotel California in the background which reminds me of Fred the man I grew to admire for his soft personality and wisdom without having to speak much, I think back to his life and his death. So here’s the thing, Fred’s death was more than just him dying it was the end of a chapter that needed closing. It was the end of a family and the beginning of me learning to let go.

For you to fully understand the grief I went through you need to understand that I considered myself very close to this mans family for over 7 years. I don’t have much family, so when I was dating Fred’s son for 7+ years I also gained a HUGE family. I thought I had long gotten over the loss of this family when I left the man who gave me my last child. Surprise, I was not over it until the day Fred was buried.

When I went to prayer service the night before his funeral I was hit hard with nostalgia. The music playing in the background reminded me of our time together. See, every morning for years I would bring my coffee cup downstairs and have some of Fred’s freshly brewed coffee, it was always so good with lots of kick, and have my morning smoke with him. Sometimes (most times) we didn’t talk much, but we had each other and these moments; they were our moments. Sitting through prayer service, I was hit with a rush of memories and some were happy, but many were hard to remember. It was also very uncomfortable to be around people that were once considered family and now were not.

I only had to get through that funeral, and I could go on with my life….. Or so I thought. The funeral must’ve had over 100 people there, or at least close to. There was so many people there, and most of them were his family. The sobbing was always in the back of my throat. I was not sure where to sit, and my ex wanted me upfront with him and our son, but I am not super liked with his immediate family and thought I had better stay back a little. I was trying my best to be there for my ex, as this wasn’t the place to hold grudges. When I looked at Fred one last time I felt so sad I didn’t visit him a bit more when he was sick, but I know we had each other in a magical way during these times. He was no longer in pain and I could really let go of the past. If it wasn’t for Fred and some other family members I would’ve left this relationship a long time before. So essentially I was grieving the loss again, but infinitely.

Now the part that people don’t understand is because of my past trauma’s I am a very emotional person. I feel deeply, and sadness is painful for me. I was not welcome at that funeral by two people who I considered family and thought would be family for life. One of them even cut my sons umbilical cord and helped me through one of my most painful labours ever. Someone who helped me keep my head up through years with a man who didn’t think highly of me. It was such a painful day to say good bye to one man who I loved as a father and the big family I always wanted but cannot hold on to anymore.

And so, I said good bye to Fred, and inside I realized it was time to move on. I took some takeaways with me from that funeral that will change my life. I have not one picture of Fred and I, very few of my son with his grandpa, and little memories with him in his last months when I knew he was sick. I learnt that you cannot take anything to the grave with you except your memories and your tattoos, so time to capture both! Take more pictures and take time to check in on the people you love because tomorrow is not promised.

The man talking at this funeral said Fred would’ve wanted us all happy, and if you knew Fred you would agree. He had no patience for bullshit, and he stuck up for me on many occasions. Thank you Fred-o for that. He also spoke about how short life is and holding grudges is a waste of energy. I have tried to mend the broken ties between myself and others, but until they can inhale compassion and exhale the grudge there is no point.

I am in a really good place today and letting this out has been therapeutic. If anyone knows about losing people in their lives it is me and I know that the people who leave you simply weren’t meant to stay, but those of you that have (you know who you are) stayed in my life I am thankful for you and our bond that is strong enough to get through the bullshit because that is all it is bullshit! We get one life, so lets make it a damn worthwhile one! Don’t hold grudges for it will surely dampen your inner happiness.

XX Badass Bon