Why Badass?

So today I had the opportunity to speak for a group on facebook made up of survivors. This is my passion you see. To show people how to transition from victim to survivor. Yes, I was victimized, but to live my life as a victim serves no one. It is like carrying around a backpack full of rocks and trudging along in life miserably. Angry, hurt, sad and not letting go. When you make the choice to become a survivor life becomes easier to live. That backpack of shame, guilt, trauma and regrets no longer holding one down.

For many years I held onto my past thinking I was the way I was because of the molestation, abuse and shaming. Which sure, it set me on a path most wouldn’t want but it is something I cannot change. There is no time machine, there is no going back and there is no forgetting it. But we have this thing in life; its called choice. I chose to no longer let my past define me. I also owned up to all the shitty things I did in my life and separated my shame from my parents shame. I had shame for the shitty parent I was in the beginning, but I also gave my step dad his shame back for molesting me and my mothers shame for abandoning me and treating me poorly.

When I did all those things I took back my power. This was where all the magic happened. I started doing things for me and started putting myself first. I started the long road to healing and stopped feeling disgusting for something I had no control over. It’s crazy how messed up trauma can change us. From dissociation, to coping mechanisms, to not having boundaries, to my brain development, to tried suicide attempts. I never thought I would live a normal life. That was until I learned there was no such thing as normal. Who defines normal? Who is to say how we are to live our lives? Exactly.

Today I set boundaries, I say no without explanation and I live my best life. Thats when I decided to start my clothing line. Really it is much more than a clothing line. It is a movement. A way of life. It is a tribe of people supporting me and those around them to live an authentic and vulnerable life. Here are some of the things I have done that I consider Badass. I left a man after almost 8 years because I no longer loved him and knew I deserved more than a life filled of hatred and physical violence. Leaving a domestic violent relationship is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Badass! I filed a report on my stepfather over 20 years later (thank you Canada for having no statute of limitations on these offences) and that was badass! I wrote about my experiences in 3 seperate published books in the hopes it would give other people courage. Again pretty Badass. I left my marriage when I knew it was detrimental to my children and myself, another Badass thing I had to do to live my best life.

There’s a lot of little things that I do that is pretty Badass as well. I have PTSD, anxiety and depression, and guess what….. I don’t let those things stop me from showing up in life. Instead I carry these things with me and have learnt tricks to live with them. Like when I really don’t want to get out of bed I countdown from 5 and say blastoff and just do it. This is something I learnt from reading a Mel Robbins book. I trained myself to start believing in myself again. Writing positive self affirmations around my house, by positive talk and by writing and sharing my story. Ill never stop sharing my story because every time I do it reaches a new person and changes their life for the better. It’s about building a tribe of people that no longer want to sit in their story but sit on it instead. Let me tell you the view is much better from up here.

Being badass isn’t a bad thing. It’s a way of life. It is about doing everything you do with a positive attitude and with everything you’ve got. It is about building a community of likeminded people who are ready to change the world. We can all be change makers if we put our heart into it. Courage is contagious so spread that shit everywhere!!

XX Badass Bon

Midday thoughts

Often I sit and wonder about things and that is exactly how each one of my blog posts become. Reason #1 why sometimes I will go a week or more without writing. Life is busy, and as a single mom trying to just make it through the day it is hard. Actually let me rephrase that! AS A MOM LIFE IS HARD!! Single moms, married moms, all moms!! We ensure the life of our littles on top of our own lives. Pretty badass if you ask me!

Today I am working as a caretaker for an elderly lady who fell down the stairs and broke her clavicle. She speaks very little English, yet we are communicating through one word questions/answers and my own made up sign language. It makes me think how amazing we are as humans when we just need to figure it out. We do that often don’t we? Figure shit out.

I am figuring out how I am on the fence with communication. Sometimes I freaking rock at it and sometimes I absolutely suck at it and should go back to coaching lessons on how to spit out what I need to. I mean let’s be real. I’ve fallen for someone who probably has no flipping clue hahaha, but that’s okay. Half the battle is acknowledging my own faults. Does this mean I am going to go tell him? Ya no! BUT!! It does mean communication is something I will be working on in the coming months.

Have you ever just yelled at someone instead of saying “I’m really upset right now, this is why, this is how I feel, and how do you feel about this?” Yea me either. For example, I have a teen daughter and it’s like fighting with a miniature version of myself which let me tell you is karma through and through. I am learning to take a step back in every situation that involves my communicating and thinking before speaking. Next I will work on communicating when I really really don’t want to!

Sitting here also has me thinking about getting older. This woman I am caretaking is 88 years old! EIGHTY-EIGHT!!! I bet she has some stories to tell, and if I understood Polish I would most definitely be picking her brain to tell them to me. I find it fascinating to hear others stories. How they moved here to Canada, how their countries are different and how they adjusted to life here. I am intrigued in people in general. Just like people are interested in my stories of overcoming some of the most horrific things a person could go through and how I got to where I am now.

Now this whole aging thing. It’s like I don’t really think about it. I feel super young and let’s be real I look pretty young. I feel like I have many years ahead of me which I quite possibly might, but nothing is promised in life. Also, who knows how my body will treat me in the future. So it has me thinking! I spend way too much time watching TV! I spend way too much time arguing! And I spend way too much time overthinking!! So this stops today! I don’t want regrets when I am older.

I challenge you to cross something off your list! What list you ask!? You know the one!! The one where you’ll get around to it, the one you’ll do when you’ve lost more weight, the one you’re waiting for when your kids are a bit older! Yea! That list! Do it now, because you are alive and here for a reason and being happy is one of them, so please do what makes you happy.

XX Badass Bon