This is me right now. I have always been surrounded by people, and now I am not sure what to do in the silence. So I blog. I have been around people since I was 5 and not just a few people but more like a crew. I always wanted to be older so I wasnt looked at as a child to my aunt and her friends, and when I became a teenager my step-dads house was always full of people. Later I travelled the carnival and then long term relationships. When I wasn’t in a relationship I had lots of friends hanging out or I was often the life of any party. Today, I am confident in being a great single mom, but when everyone is in bed it is just me alone. I have accomplished so much and want to scream it from the rooftops. This is where not having family gets me down.
Do I fear being alone? Or is it the pain of abusive men creeping back in my head. “Your not worthy” “Your going to be alone and be just like your Mother” “You are a waste of skin” these thoughts never really go away when they are drilled in your head repeatedly, however they have gotten quieter. Some days I am so damn confident and happy I forget the pain I have been through, and other days I just feel like it is me against the world. I’m most definitely not giving up, as I know these statements are not true but I will share how I feel because I know I am not alone. None of us are alone but we fear rejection and vulnerability so we don’t reach out as much as we should sometimes. I have made a career out of my fears so I will not back down and I will be courageous as I continue to push past fear.
It really does come down to me. My thoughts, my actions and how I interpret things. So today as I struggled a bit I went back to the basics. I am not quitting because there really is no option at this point. I have lit the fire and its raging out of control ready to change the world. It is an injustice to let my flame dim. I remember who I was when I wasn’t motivated and she was a miserable person to be around. A monster at times, and now I am this insanely happy individual who smiles lots, inspires even more and doesn’t back down from a challenge. I mean come on; I am 37 in less than 2 hours and I have picked up my saxophone (been collecting dust for 20 years), been trying to learn piano (I am a fast learner) and am competing in a pageant this summer for Miss. BC. If that isn’t badass I really don’t know what is.
Y’all know who the heck I am, and if not I am sure you have heard about me, seen me, creeped my facebook or know of me. I’m that type of person you either love or hate but love when you get to know me. I am loud, loyal, honest, giving and have no filter! I also have grown up so much that I don’t know the old me anymore. The old me is nothing but a memory of a sad, lonely and broken person. Someone who hurt so bad hurting others was natural.
So I have this fancy website, and a business, and a chapter in a book, and, and, and………. but I still have to pinch myself. Less than two years ago I was partying every day/night and was numbing myself to the world. Today I bitch about not being able to smoke a cigarette and I get over it. Like an adult! I have good friends who I can lean on and I keep meeting awesome people who actually want to have me in their lives. You want to know the secret to success? Want it badder than anything. If you want it you’ll find a way.
Lately I have been so enthralled in my business it seems I’m missing out on life, but then I think I don’t have much of a life other than my work, kids and mission to empower other people (which is a pretty fulfilling life). I’m lonely I guess, as I have always been in a relationship. So I tried some online dating… fail!! Never look to a man to make you whole. So this past while I have been focusing on confidence and self worth and I am shining bright!!! Like wake up every morning feeling great and ready to take on the world type shit. For once in my life I have no problem telling someone what I want. I have no issue being single and whatever life has in store for me I am ready!
I am now a part of the Badass Mom club and membership is free to anyone who wants to join me in changing the world. Let’s talk about topics no one wants to talk about. Let’s shake things up!!! Let’s stand tall and be confident! Let’s go against the grain! You get the point right. I am the change I seek in the world!
Thank you for standing by as I rewrote my story. As you all know I am Badass Bon and I’ve been kicking ass!! So, where have I been? Well since my last post I was dealing with the heaviness I carried from the retreat. Those 4 days kicked my ass and really opened my eyes to my worth. I was so stuck in lingo regarding all the abuse that I endured and at that retreat I was honestly able to let go, and learn some very valuable tools.
No is a complete sentence, and I can choose what to do with my body because it is mine! I also get to choose how I want to be treated. Talk about kick ass stuff right!!?
So, my marriage……….. when I came home I knew my marriage was suffering. I do not regret anything because I do believe in a reason, season or a lifetime, but I was not happy. I had overcome so much and done so much work I think I may have forgotten to take my husband along for the ride. Also, it takes two people to heal from the pain they caused each other, and so we split. I spent the entirety of the marriage hurt by drunken actions and only I was willing to communicate and attempt to reconcile over the past. Instead he chose to drink. I still do not drink and most likely never will. I have no desire to waste my life. If I drink I will wake up hungover and not feel inspired and I love to inspire people.
Again, a single mom but one with purpose!!! I did my first keynote speech and felt I did pretty good! I have 4 upcoming speaking opportunities AND I’m starting to coach people. The book I wrote my story in was released this week. My first online class starts tomorrow, and I am putting together workshops for in house and on reserves and at treatment centres. I am building relationships in my community and giving back when I can.
People ask me “how do you do it?” or “how do you move past this/that?”
You just do it. You ask for help, you find your tribe/support, you set goals and open yourself up to succeeding and then you just do it!! There is no other answer to this. I sat waiting for 35 years for my time to come, and one day someone opened the door for me and I never looked back. You can also follow and achieve your dreams.