Let’s not even discuss how long it has been since I’ve written. Let’s also save many questions for other blog posts (because I need the content) and allow me to be me on me time.
Today my first born son turned 21, and as my daughter helped me clean I realized (for the hundredth time) how fucking great my children are!! Most importantly that they are because of me, but because of others too.
I was just sitting on the couch thinking how in debt I am and how much effort I put into my future success because it is not an overnight expedition but one of pure dedication. I got all nostalgic and started thinking about my grandma and her giving nature and how I never needed for anything. From a $49,000 truck and $35,000 fifth wheel (because I absolutely needed to stay on the carnival in comfort) to the boxes of diapers from Costco on the kitchen island every Friday. I never did month to month insurance. Budgeting? What is that? These last 20 years have molded me into who I am today. I also cannot regret not learning my hustle much sooner.
Then I look at my children. 21 full time job. Great beautiful girlfriend. Bought his own car (right handed and he still won’t let me drive it!!). He doesn’t party. He doesn’t act a fool. He’s a damn fine young man!!! PS Lucille you’ll get your recognition post on the 28th lol. He stands up for his opinions and doesn’t sway. He is no pushover. He has so many of my qualities and is doing everything I could ever dream for him (aside from maybe some post secondary education hint hint) and I’m just so proud of him. He did it!!! Thank goodness because learning to be an adult at a young age is so much smarter than learning at mine.
He told me a story tonight about work and how he was recognized as being one of the best salesperson, not for his high earnings but for his humbleness, morals and all around ethics. I seen my Grandma in him and I realized that is from me as she died 20 years ago.
I am not even close to perfect. I have made a million mistakes, but I am me. I did the best I could with the tools I had and have continued to build up my tool box as I age. I will not hide the choice I made to kick Jack out at 14, and although he carries many of my great qualities he also was hoarding my bad ones. I can not foresee the alternate future had he stayed with me. I had a wave of emotion as I celebrated my son on his birthday and thought damn WE did a good job. We as in the family that took him in. That accepted my son as their own and now I share him. I am his Mother. I birthed him. I raised him. I co-slept with him. I potty trained him. Taught him so so much, but he has a whole other Mom, and although he may not call her Mom I wholeheartedly respect her as his Mom. I owe her a million thank you’s. I wish I could have shared his earlier years with you, but you guided him through his teen years and look at how amazing this young man turned out!! Thank you!! Your husband and you did a stand up job!!
Taking in an intergenerational indigenous child is never an easy feat, but you guys succeeded. He was saved many more traumas and got to see things I never could have shown him.
Thinking about all this it hit me that I needed to write again. I need to heal more. I need to share. I need to be me again. Wasted talent is a wasted life.