So what was it then? It felt like love and it was intense and I gave myself and my will away for the feeling of being wanted. It stabbed me in my heart when he left. It absolutely destroyed me to find out days after me he was already trying to hook up with not only random women but his friends girlfriends. It gutted me to find women’s belongings in my vehicle. It almost made me feel like giving up on living. I actually lived for him and not myself and my children.
Why would I do that? Why would I be so blinded and believe lies I knew were truths? Well it’s called trauma bond. You think it is love but once it’s gone and you do the research it all makes sense. The highs and lows of our relationship were like a roller coaster. The highs were soooo great but the lows and verbal abuse and anger towards me were extreme lows. Once he was gone the hurt I felt was a loss of dopamine and me craving not him but the highs and lows. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I am not used to all this calm so I crave him like a drug. I crave the emotional roller coaster because I don’t know what to do with this calm.
Yes, I still hurt but I hurt less today then I did yesterday. Each and every day is a gift and a chance to be better. I acknowledge my part in all of this and I also know I allowed myself to be used.
I can’t sit and wait for him to say sorry. I can’t sit and be sad that he’s moved on. I no longer choose to be his door mat. I choose me. I choose growth and I choose to succeed.
To the next man that thinks they can date me. Stop. Turn around. Walk away. This woman has some major healing to do and it will not be done over night.
It has been 218 days since my last blog post, and let me tell you I have tried to get back to my passion and writing but I just wasn’t ready. I would sit and stare at the screen with no ideas. I didn’t believe in myself anymore, but mainly it is because I got sidetracked.
This year I started off with my vision board and I was ready to get back to my work after failed relationships and heartaches and losses. My biggest goal was to stay single and focus; when out of nowhere I almost instantly fell in love with a man that made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. At first this was supposed to be casual but within days I was stuck to this man. We fell hard and fast. I had some of the best times of my life with him. He got me and I could be my weird self and never feel judged.
Well last month he proposed and I felt like my King had come to collect his Queen. The wedding planning commenced immediately. My wedding party was picked, my engagement party was a blast and I even got my wedding dress.
BUT LIFE IS NOT A FAIRY TALE AND NOT EVERYTHING THAT IS SHINY IS GOLD
Last week my insecurities got the best of me. Lightbulb moment dawned on me the other day that I have not healed from my abusive relationships. I am over the men that have abused me, but I never healed from being beaten, verbally abused and cheated on. I still believe I’m not worthy of love. This time the arguments and the insecurities were enough and he left me.
This and the many to come are going to be hard. This is part of my healing. I am going to embrace crying and I am going to work on being in a relationship with myself.
The first five days we were taking a moment. No he took a moment to “think” I cried uncontrollably and slept and refused to eat or drink. I did not take care of myself. I flet so abandoned and alone. My kids were gone and I sat alone feeling like my world stopped spinning. I found it hard to breathe through the tears and couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me.
Then he left. Done with me. I was devastated. This man love bombed me and made me feel something I actually never felt before. I would look into his eyes and I saw the universe looking back at me. I felt fireworks inside and I gave myself to him. I could never have a man touch me again but him. I could never kiss someone else again. This man was to be my husband and I was going to love him like he was the most important person in the world. I didn’t know what to do.
I was done crying hour after hour and day after day so I chose to fix my crown and reach out to friends. I pushed so many people away and most were willing to bring me back. I have surrounded myself with some friends all week and had some great laughs and some major cries. Through it all I know this. I need to get myself back. I gave my all into this relationship forgetting who I was and my goals. I became unmotivated and lost my passion. The narcissism from both sides killed us both. We both need to become better people before ever being with someone else.
But this is about me. I choose to be better. I look at the moments I tried to hurt him and I said things I shouldn’t have and realize that’s not me. Hurt people hurt people and I’m sick of being hurt and I certainly don’t want to hurt people. Where’s the woman people look up to. Where’s the woman people come to for strength. Well she lost her strength and had to go through a traumatic event to find her strength again.
So tomorrow I start the 100 day challenge of you. I always do the confidence challenge and do giveaways but there’s no tangible prize this time. This time the prize is self worth, realization, truth and healing. This is about becoming who we are meant to be and relearning focus. I’m so aware of my cycle of relationships and the common denominator is the way they all end. So I’m going back to my first goal of one year no dating and spending this next 100 days finding my worth.
I also am rebranding myself. My two businesses and remembering who the fuck I am.
I am Badass Bonnie and I have a mission to inspire others. To heal from my own trauma and help those around me to heal as well. I have the courage to be alone and grow into a person I can be proud of. I have the strength to be a powerful woman. I promise you I will be back on stages talking again and writing again.
Well we made it through 2020. The year we learned to live through a pandemic, wear masks everywhere (which I still find weird going into a bank looking like a robber lol) and navigate social distancing rules. Some of us fared well others did not. I had some serious ups and downs with my depression. Let go of a guy I totally fell in love with, and entered a relationship with a man I should’ve listened to from the get go (more on that in a later post maybe) and probably partied more than I should have.
I realized more in the last month than I did in the last year. Here are some of my realizations.
If you eat like shit you’ll feel like shit and most likely end up looking like shit. May seem harsh, but this goes for overindulging in partying too. Neither one makes me feel good. If you can party hard and eat crap day in and day out and feel and look great then good on ya. Me, not so much. The added 25 pounds this year has given me has made me slower, foggier and unhappy. Lesson learned; take care of yourself. Eat from home. If you’re ordering in because you’re hungover stop drinking. Drink water because you’re not getting any younger and your skin needs water, and pay attention to how your body feels after what you fuel it with.
Not everyone deserves your time nor has your best interests in mind. Getting into a relationship is the easy part, but walking away when it doesn’t serve you is the hard part. Not for all, but for some. This was the first time I actually ended a relationship that didn’t serve me, however playing games and doing the back and forth game is pointless. Lesson learnt; walk away once so to save yourself the need to walk away again. Give yourself credit for knowing the right thing to do.
Renting space in your head rent free is literally giving someone somewhere to live for free! The drama this past summer was undoubtedly the worst I have dealt with. It should have stayed in the summer but I allowed it to continue. Let’s be real, I don’t mess around. If someone shit talks me or has an issue I will not back down. I have spent enough years being intimidated that this word simply isn’t in my vocabulary anymore. Yet here I am caught up in drama that was unnecessary. Lesson learnt; walk away from drama and remember other people’s opinions of me aren’t my business.
Falling in love is easy. Falling out is hard. Finding yourself and falling in love with yourself is worthwhile. I spent the better part of this year building a friendship with someone that sparked my soul and made me laugh like I have never laughed before. Literally the main reason I survived the initial lockdown back in Spring. Sometimes though we meet people not for a lifetime but for a reason or a season. Lesson learnt. Just because things don’t work out doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Meeting people and building connections are important in life. We learn and grow throughout every connection we make.
Sometimes holding a grudge is dumb. It always hurt my heart to not talk to my Auntie. The one that practically raised me. We are both so damn stubborn we almost made it to the 4 year mark of not one word spoken to each other. Over 39 years I think we had a fight like this one 2 maybe 3 times where we went years not talking. This time though I thought it was over. I never tried reaching out, as my abandonment issues were screaming noooooo, we cannot handle another loss. So life went on, kids turned into almost adults, my marriage became a divorce. Death, oh so much death from a brother to a brother in-law to many many friends. The second we began talking last month though it was a relief to have someone from my past back in my life. Someone who didn’t judge me and I truly love as one of the most important family members I have. Lesson learnt; the 72 hour rule will suffice no need to make it into a 4 year rule. Life is too fucking short to cut important people out of your lives. Also, sometimes you need to admit your part in things. Sometimes our actions hurt others and that’s okay. Communicate. Apologize. Move on. Before it’s too late.
I could go on with more of these realizations but I think this is good. I have a solid foundation for how I want to continue 2021. Single, because I am not alone just because I’m a single woman. I have killer friends who I can count on in the worst of times from bringing me coffee at 630am on a Saturday because I was up all night worried sick as a parent, or the ones who show up with a doobie and hugs after my heart was broken, or the ones that call the second I made a post that seems out of character, to the ones that have become my tribe to help me raise a teenager and all the others with their words of encouragement, love and strength. It is all of you that fill my cup.
I’m also really wanting to focus back on my health. Time to lose that added Covid/booze weight and get back on track. When you fuel your body right you feel right, and when you work your body out it actually helps your mind with focus and reaching not just fitness goals but all your other goals. Today I created my vision board and I’m ready to kick off the year right. I woke up sober and feeling great. I may not have achieved all my daily goals but I attempted them, and I feel successful in my day.
Thank you for reading. I hope you too have some attainable goals set for the year and have gone through your realizations and lessons learned. Let’s blow this year up! Time to stand up, rise up and show up!
Some days I am lost, like the little girl I used to be. Scared for night, scared to be alone, scared of what will come and unsure what the point of living is. Such deep thoughts for such a little girl who should be dreaming big and learning important skills. Some mornings were just as scary as the nights, unsure how beaten a mother would be. Would I see her sitting covered in blood still drunk from the night before? Would I hear the chaos from her falling down the spiral staircase having knocked out all her teeth and the sarcasm of how typical that was for her. Ashamed. Abandoned. Hurt. These are just a few of my memories; it makes sense I have only a few.
As I grew up I battled myself and my worth, but that moment in 2016 when I chose to live fully I chose to stand up for myself, and this past year I have forgotten that. It’s crazy how quickly you can go back to forgetting your worth. I will elaborate on this in another post, but I started losing my faith in myself.
I worked my butt off to get where I am. I took the first step onto that stage and shared my story publicly. I invested in myself, I spoke on stages when I was scared to do so, I was published even though I was scared to death of certain people seeing my story. I chose life over fear. I put the work in; the endless hours of blogging, posting, sharing and giving myself. Nothing worthwhile comes easy!
I have branded who I am since choosing this life. It all started with being a survivor and sharing my truth. It grew into finding my tribe, and then being Badass and ditching the shame. I have countless videos, lives, pictures and posts of this journey and over 1000 of my followers have watched me grow. Being authentic and vulnerable has been who I am and who I expect those around me to be.
However, we all have faults. I trust to much, to easy and to fast. I believe there is good in everyone, and I trust people won’t do me dirty; even though I have been taken advantage of my entire life. Being this truthful makes me a Badass. Not some tough Badass but a 100% authentic human being. One that can go to bed each night knowing they are a good person.
When I began my first clothing line with motivational quotes that my late Grandma would tell me I didn’t believe in myself but I believed in her belief of me. That’s all I needed at the time. As my confidence grew I started Badass Clothing Co. I scrimped and saved to pay for licensing, registrations, business start up fees, trademark and artist costs all while being a single Mom unsure if this would go how I intended for it to go. I put my life into this. It was my idea, my vision, my dream. As my other company is called Catching Dreams I began to catch my own and started doing not talking.
My dreams were coming true. It didn’t take long to start seeing my brand across Canada as far as Ontario and because of my connection with people. My desire to make a change in the world. I saw them and they saw me. See that’s the thing about who I am and what I do. I didn’t start this just for an income; I started this to start a community of likeminded people. To show other survivors that together we are strong. I made my own mission statement back in 2015 and it is “My mission is to inspire, empower and support women and children to heal from the cycle of abuse.” I would like to expand this to men as well.
That is what Badass Clothing Co is about. It is a unique brand with a hint of my culture to share with the world. It took me months before I came out with my logo. I sat in my thoughts as I visioned what this brand would be. I had yet to see any lettering logos with this artwork in the background. This was all me. The native girl with big dreams. So to see someone just swiftly take my ideas and roll with it after I put years into my brand is like being abused all over again. The feelings I’ve felt recently hurt.
Badass is a community for us survivors of any trauma to feel united as one.
So as I write this I am fighting the urge to “take it dry” as when I am attacked I go into victim mode easily and either freeze, fight or flight. Sadly this is something many of us do. Here’s the thing though, I have grown so much I no longer fight because the only way I know how to fight is with my fists, and I’m working soooo hard to not freeze or flight. Instead I want to grow! I want to educate. Now it’s about learning to fight with my words. To fight for myself. To fight for me beliefs and to fight for all of you that have had my back this entire journey.
I’ve made mistakes! A whole lot of them, but my mistakes do not define me. What I do about them is what defines me. I entrusted someone in selling my brand and that person went ahead to say I’m “stupid” and “she really shouldn’t be in business” and the best one was that I was offered 10% of her business and because I turned it down I was stupid. Here’s the kicker. The business is Badass Clothing Co but with different art. I turned it down, because Badass is mine. It is solely my company and brand and something I’ve been called since I began my speaking career. I started this career as a survivor sharing a story that grew into being Badass; because being a survivor is Badass! Choosing to give up my victim status was key to all of this. I choose me and I will fight for myself until the day I am dead, because I am the person I needed when I was abused.
I will no longer be used, abused, talked down upon or thrown away like trash. No thank you. I do not need to relive my childhood as an adult.
Here is a video I put together with just a little bit of my journey. Click the link to check it out.
I have been in he works of several ideas to drop as part of Badass Clothing Co all to do with being a survivor and Badass. My girlfriend who owns a local printshop has been with me the whole way. We were ready to drop these new ideas in the Fall, but like a wise friend once said to me “if not now; when”
I commend anyone that wants to ‘stand up, rise up and show up” badassbon circa 2018. However be authentic in doing so. Have integrity. Morals. Do not put others down for your own gain.
I made the choice a long time ago to follow my heart and my gut. I choose to follow the unbeaten path and be my own kind of badass. We’re dealing with this pandemic right now, and we’re all learning how to ebb and flow in life with our new rules. Rules? Hmmm I haven’t had to follow rules in a very long time, so this is especially hard for me.
I used to surround myself with people that pushed me farther in life, but now I surround myself with those that inspire me and those that I inspire. A lot has happened and I was faced with a friend needing me. Not needing me by a phone call but needing me to be there for her in person and soon.
See, a few years ago my very close friend of mine called me from the hospital. Along with a call came a picture. This picture was of her arms and they honestly looked like fish roe. Yea, that was her arms cut so bad the flesh was falling out. How does one hit such a low point in their life that they do this? I’ve been there. A lot of us have. Well that woman and I remain close and boy has she grown from that moment in her life. It’s just a chapter, and we have moved onto the next, but she needed me.
Bonnie, she said. I need you. I feel that chapter coming back. So, here I am. 14 hours away from home doing what I do. Standing up for the lost, the forgotten and the ones who feel they don’t belong. It is consuming and honestly a lonely place sometimes, but this is who I am.
Today I sit at this beautiful river with her and another person who has became a piece of my foundation. Together we are strong.
I had to get that off my chest as this has been one roller coaster of a trip. Our other friend was adopted at 3 months. Never knew her birth name, but was in a good spot in her life. Well she is Badass too, and she came along on this journey because we all have a reason for this trip. Hers was to meet her bio family after 49 years! Wow! Yea it’s been a crazy day!
Sitting with these newfound family members and talking I realize our stories are not that much different. They all have some form of pain attached to them, but tonight as we feasted together we come together and when we come together the strength is profound.
All these stories remain as one. Unified we stand; Badass we are.
I don’t care what people say about me anymore, I don’t care for negativity, but if you are ready to own your story then I applaud you because it is hard. I’ve said it before and I will say it a million more times. Nothing worthwhile is easy.
To you ladies that are with me this week. Thank you. For being in my tribe, for standing up for yourselves and for being strong Badass woman!
Stay safe, strong but most importantly stay true to who you are because that is Badass.
Like literally where did yesterday go. By the time I finally got into bed it was 4am, and clearly I was not into blogging as I cuddled up to my youngest in my bed. This past week has been insane! Yesterday was my last full day at home before I leave for a week, and I had 12 huge hampers to deliver to local seniors, a house to clean, lots of packing to do and a million little things. I got through like a champ though, and today I woke up like a child on Christmas morning.
I’m simply throwing today’s blog together because I have about 24 things too complete and only 3.5 hours to complete them. Typical BonBon style……
I’m going to share with you 15 of my favourite things, and if I had the time this list would look extremely different as I would tell you things I’m passionate about or set my soul on fire, instead I’m playing light.
My favourite things are simple. Fresh fruit, coffee with just the right amount of cream and sugar, lakes, camping, quadding, a well made Ceasar, pickles; omfg I love pickles!!!!!! Seafood, burgers, poutine, hoodies, good weed, people! Coca Cola in a glass bottle and deep fried mushrooms. Bam I’m simple. Feed me hahahaha
Today’s prompt is a picture of where I grew up. So here it is, this is my childhood home we’re I spent 80% of my time. This house was built in the 70’s and had shag carpet and spiral staircases. A large barn and lots of horses growing up. Back then us kids played outside lots! Like I said before my childhood wasn’t all bad, and I was grateful to have had a pace like this with many spots to hide, explore and just be a kid.
Well as I sit here squeezing in a blog post in between building furniture my instant answer is it sucks, but only momentarily and not often. I have been single for one year now, and my previous relationship only lasted a couple months, so really I have had the opportunity to enjoy single life for a little over two years now.
It isn’t so much single life that bothers me, but the quality of relationships and dating nowadays. I’ve learnt to be picky, and sure of what I want. There are qualities in a man I will not waver on, and it comes down to how you make my soul feel. Sadly, I have put a lot of effort into someone that made me feel good about myself and I’ve been tossed aside like last weeks trash. Apparently this is a thing now. Ghosting. Head games. Uncertainty.
I have been fooled, mistaken and left wondering what I’ve done wrong. Let’s be real I haven’t done anything wrong. I am a good friend it is just sometimes others are not good friends and when their use of you is not needed boom I’m left wondering yet again. This cycle ends when you choose to not allow it to continue.
I’m going into single life unsure of what I am doing. I honestly am at a point in my life where I don’t even want a relationship. I thought I wanted companionship but it seems no one values anything anymore. I choose me.
I’m entering a relationship of growth with myself and my business. I hold my girlfriends near and dear to me and can rely on them to have my back. Sure it gets lonely sometimes, and always being the single one in the group can sometimes suck too, but it doesn’t suck enough to be undervalued and treated worthless.
Short and sweet because I’m not here to dwell on the past, but to learn from it. I’m sad I have lost people in my life, and I am sad that I have been abandoned repeatedly, but I’m built to learn from each situation. Growth is what pushes me in life and grow I will.
Stay safe, stay strong stay Badass! But most importantly stay single if you are undervalued, unhappy, abused or not in love with yourself because when you truly love yourself you don’t need anyone else. ❤️
Well first let’s start off with the fact it is 11:35pm and I’m just blogging now. I try my hardest everyday to get my blogging out of the way when my mind is fresh and I’m in a good mood. Life, doesn’t it get in the way sometimes. As I sit here I am extremely exhausted, and already planning out tomorrow’s big day. I have been building ikea furniture all day and everything that was once on a desk or shelf is now on my bed. Looking like bedtime will be put off a little while longer. Either I am on chill mode or extreme go mode there is never an in between.
Today has been a success though, and it feels as if the isolation blues are going away. Thank goodness, because sitting at home watching unlimited Netflix and not seeing anyone has really taken a toll on my mental health. I have seen many people struggle with the adjustment of a socially distant lifestyle and I for one have had many ups and downs of my own.
I feel as if picking my proudest moment is like yesterday’s difficult times. There are so many. I am a mother so I have many moments with each one of my children. I also have many steps in the last three years that have been successful points in my journey to where I am today. Standing up and fighting for what you believe in, standing up for others, standing on a stage and sharing your story, becoming a published author. These are all very proud moments, but there has been one thing that always bothered me.
Not graduating was something that never really bothered me, but having your child want to drop out and have the argument of how their mother dropped out did. So, in my 30’s I went back to school. University actually, and with these credits I was able to obtain my adult dogwood diploma. Receiving my diploma in the mail was a damn proud moment. It now hangs on my wall above my desk as a reminder that no matter your age you can do whatever you put your mind to.
Well I should get back to putting everything away. Can not wait for tomorrows blog, and remember I took a list off of Pinterest and chose to stick to it for 30 days. Not only is this giving me writing prompts but getting me into the habit of regular blogging so I don’t disappear again like last time. So check back tomorrow for a look into my current relationship, or as my list says “if single discuss single life” oh this should be a good one.
Thanks Pinterest for being so vague on this one. How does one choose one difficult time in their life. It was difficult when I held my grandmothers hand for her last breath. It was difficult to choose me over a loveless marriage. It was difficult to stop using drugs everyday. It was difficult to kick my son out after constant battling with each other. It was especially difficult living through years of childhood sexual abuse. It was difficult to love my mother even though she didn’t know how to love me back. It was difficult to write my story. It was difficult to stay in an abusive relationship and extremely difficult to leave after many years. It is difficult to watch your children hurt. It is difficult to get out of bed. I think this is just the tip of the iceberg.
My whole life I have known immense pain, trauma, neglect, abandonment and disrespect. I have been tossed aside, abused, spat on, kicked and so much more.
But you know what was really difficult? Owning my truths. Ditching the shame I held onto from years of trauma. Admitting my wrongs in life. Standing up for myself and others who need it. It was difficult to share my story after feeling so defeated for so many years, but they say nothing worthwhile is easy.
So, although I have lived through decades of hell I have come through the other side. And do not think for one second I have this thing called life figured out because I do not. I am not “fixed” nor am I who I see myself being in the years to come, but I have started the process to healing and that’s all I can do. I can accept my past and grow from it. I can and will learn from it and I must go on.
We have this thing that we all share. It’s called choice. I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to survive. I have chosen to share my journey for many reasons. Some do the same thing I am doing but are private people. I chose to be an open public book, because I believe people like me change the world. By sharing everything with you I give power to others to know they are not alone. As a little girl I once thought the abuse was something I bared alone, and it gave me much shame. As I became vocal I learnt just how often this happens to others.
Here’s the thing. The more we talk about our tribulations, the more we take away the stigma, the shame and the hurt the less it happens. When we can openly talk about horrific things the power is taken away. When predators choose their victim they are certain they will get away with it. Mine did for many years, until I walked into that cop shop 3 years ago and told my story. I took my power back.
I want you all to take your power back because you are worth it. I am worth it.
And with that I ask you all to stay strong, stay safe and stay BADASS!
Ever need to put yourself in a timeout? It’s like putting your child in the corner for not listening, except I need to check myself and my bad attitude. Yep I admit I have a shit attitude sometimes and if I don’t check myself it ferments into anger. So, time-out complete, and I would like to think I am back in a better mood. Maybe not entirely, but after my much anticipated road trip next week I am positive I will be back to my old self.
So day 11 I was to share 10 of my dislikes and 10 of my likes. I attempted this last night, and I was in such a bad mood my dislikes were actually making it worse.
My dislikes are things that make me tick, things that hurt me and things I don’t like done to me. I have a lot of integrity. And being raised on the golden rule this is important to me to be treated with respect as I hold a lot of respect towards others.
I dislike being ignored. I dislike people talking behind my back. I dislike being taken advantage of. I dislike being lied to and I dislike being used. Pretty obvious dislikes for anyone I would think. On a lighter side I also dislike people who whistle. My kids think I dislike this because I can’t whistle and maybe this is true, lol, but seriously it drives me crazy….. I dislike soggy bread because it is soooo gross! I dislike cold coffee, my allergies and dogs that beg for food when I’m trying to eat.
My likes now. The smell of fresh bread, movie theatre popcorn with junior mints and when my children listen and help out. I like sunny warm days, the beach and the sound of native drummers. I like travelling, friends that become family, sleeping in and fresh coffee. While writing out my likes it really grounds me and puts me in a good mood. It makes me think of all the good I have in my life and the things I have to look forward to. This is why I write. It helps me and it helps others see we are all more alike than we think.
So, day 12 is a little boring. It asks what I have in my make up bag. Thing is I never bring a make up bag anywhere unless I travel, and when I travel I bring everything ? yes. I’m one of those girls. Some would say a diva, a princess but I would just say I am me and I would much rather be prepared than not at all. So here is a picture of my make up drawer. Yes I have a whole drawer, and believe it or not I have downsized by about half in the last couple months.
Well that is all for tonight, now I get to attack my messages and emails. Thanks to depression and isolation blues I have over 1000 emails to sort through. Yay!