My favourite F word is actually…..

FOOD!!!! I love thinking about it, obsessing about it, preparing it, cooking it and of course indulging in it. The thing about food is we need it to live. Some people eat to live, and others (like me) live to eat. For the first group of people food is fuel to energize their bodies to get them through life. The latter, my group, eat food for everything but fuel. I eat food to celebrate, to socialize, to fill a void and to make myself feel better. I have struggled with food my entire life.

So, my Mom was a terrible cook and I seriously despised everything she made me. Scrambled eggs out of a empty margarine container microwaved anyone? Yea, I’ll pass too!! My Grandmother however, was a fabulous cook and like most Grandmothers she cooked with love, which also meant lots of butter and other scrumptious things like sugar and fat. Think scalloped potatoes on the regular, Yorkshire puddings and gravies. There was always ice cream dates and I was never forced to drink water. Grandma always had the good juice and a Costco sized tub of Peppermint Patties. Grandma loved me and she showed me with money and food!! Then there’s the period of time I lived with my Step-Father, boy oh boy that man couldn’t cook if his life depended on it. For years I ate Mcdonald’s and Dennys and not on occasion I am talking every single day. We were known by name at both places in Walnut Grove and we didn’t even need a menu, as I knew that thing from front to back. Then there’s the time I travelled Canada with the carnival; think deep fried everything!!

As I had my own children and lived on my own I had to start feeding myself. I like to eat out, and if I do cook I don’t eat very healthy choices. I am addicted to food. The thing is once I start thinking about eating something I want (like nachos or chicken wings) I begin to obsess, and no it doesn’t pass like when I want a cigarette. For example, say I want MR. Mikes. First I start to think what I want from there, and then what it will taste like, and then where the place is and me going there, and the only thing to satisfy this obsession is to go there and eat it. As I have been trying to change though and I indulge in these obsessions I realize after I could have gone without and I would have survived. We are built to survive you know.

Food is so readily available. There was a time my ancestors hunted and gathered their food. I’m sure they did not eat what they wanted when they wanted, but instead worked hard for it and shared it amongst the tribe.

Like everything else in life we have choices. I’m sick of gaining weight. I’m not happy being almost 250 lbs and I sure as heck want to see my children have children of their own. I remember pre-children when I was 140 lbs and I looked in a mirror and thought “man I am fat” ugh to only go back and tell my thin self to love myself more and to dig deep for that self love and self respect.

I am on day 5 of intermittent fasting for my second time. The first time I made it a few weeks when I met a guy who broke me down. It has taken me 5 months to love myself again enough to put me first. Why intermittent-fasting? Because Keto is for crazy people, and I’m crazy for carbs. Why not just eat healthy? Because when I do that it is all or nothing. If I have a cheat day I get all obsessed and have a cheat week putting me into a cycle of failure where I just eat more to feel better until it has been 5 months again and nothing has changed except I have gained another 20 lbs.

with I-F I am able to control my obsessions because I can tell myself that in so many hours I can go hard. When it is time to go hard I actually don’t. I may choose to eat crappy but then I feel run down. My time is now. Your time is now.

Decisions, decisions.

XX

Badass Bon

He loves me, he loves me not

Have you ever told someone you love them and they don’t say it back? Well last night this happened to me and guess what? Nothing, thats what. I wasn’t upset and hurt because it was followed by a reasonable explanation. One, I probably shouldn’t have spit it out after having a few drinks with friends, and I had texted it one time before, but I have been feeling “in love” for a little bit now. The great part is that this relationship has been so normal it is everything I have never experienced before in my entire life. There is no rush to say the big L word and I have been just fine saying the like word instead.

Your probably thinking wth he didn’t say it back!? Hahahaha, its okay calm down, I am glad he didn’t because when he says it (and I know he will) it will be special and mean more than it would have last night. Here’s the thing. He knows my entire past; the sex addict in me, the past party girl lifestyle, the sexual abuse and the fact I allowed myself to be a door mat to multiple people in my life. He sees me struggle with my children, and I allow myself to be disrespected out of fear of rejection from them. I walk on eggshells and sometimes give up because I have no more fight in me. That one unit parent thing……. it is a tough gig! Sometimes I will allow one of my kids to trample me down just so I don’t have to deal with the attitude. Guess what? It’s not a sexy attribute to watch your woman be a door mat, nor is it a great way to teach the kids to be successful members of society.

So when I let me guard down and told him I truly loved him he said he knew. Here’s the thing, I know he knows because when he looks at me and I look at him it is evident. He can’t say it until I love myself enough to stop allowing people (anyone that is not just my children) to use me, manipulate me or push me to my breaking point. There’s more though. I am so content and secure in myself and this relationship I don’t need to say it again anytime soon, nor do I need validation in our relationship. I don’t see either one of us running away from each other anytime soon.

WOW!!! What growth I see in myself from that co-dependant scared woman afraid to be alone that I needed to spend every moment with my man to the powerful ever changing woman I am today.

Today when I asked one of my children to do something it was followed by complete disobedience, and everything I said was turned around to make me out as if I was “trying to start a fight,” and it clicked!!! This was what he meant! I would typically give in to demands and be left feeling undefeated and more like the child than the parent. I want respect from my children and love from my man. I stuck to my guns and after my child realized I was not giving in to the bulldozing techniques gave in and did what was asked.

So you understand what I was asking for was nothing like child labour or to scrub toilets with a toothbrush! I asked for the bedroom to be moved to the opposite side of the basement so I no longer had to endure rap music late at night or giggling. You see, the kids have a room that is about the size of two living rooms with a fire place, and if they want these luxuries they need to pitch in and be a part of a functioning household. At first I was told I could do it hahahahaha yea no!

Does this mean he loves me now? Ah, no. However, it is a step in the right direction to standing up for myself and being the parent I know I can be.

As for our travels, thank goodness we did laundry yesterday because on our way back home today the wheel bearing blew in the truck leaving us halfway between Edmonton and Edson in -26 degree weather and no tow truck willing to come tow. Defeat? Nope! We drove 3 hours back towards Edmonton making it to Spruce Grove driving an average of 30 km an hour so we can get it fixed tomorrow (fingers crossed!)

Now for a check in on gratitude and mood. I am so fucking happy! I am happy to be with a man that looks me deep in my eyes and I can feel how he feels about me, and I am happy to be here in this moment keeping him company during a dreadfully long drive. I am grateful to have woken up today because the alternative sucks! And I am grateful the bearing blew and not the tire falling off or something terribly worse where one of us could have been hurt. Trucks are fixable.

That is all I have for you tonight. Until next time.

XX Badass Bon

Sometimes life just isn’t fair

Do I start with the good or the bad?

Let’s start with the good, then the bad and then I’ll sandwich it with some more good. It always goes down better that way I think. Today was day 4 of no hair products and I broke down and bought a pair of sweat pants from Wal-Mart which isn’t too bad considering the princess status I have attached to my name. I honestly think I am becoming less of a princess every day I spend with my boyfriend. I am 100% certain I have not been this happy on the inside in a very long time. The last time I was glowing like this was on three occasions and they were during each pregnancy. This guy has my heart in each way I could possibly give it.

I would also like to do a huge shout out to Cold Lake’s Mamacita’s restaurant for having the best Mexican food I have enjoyed in a very long time. I even tried something unlike Bonnie, and ordered something completely different from what I normally would have ordered. Let me just say, Cold Lake I am very surprised at your quality Mexican food for being a non Mexican place. Take Abbotsford for example, we have many Mexican people in the city and not one notably great Mexican place to eat on our side of the border. Go to the states and they are on every corner.

Now, the not so great. Have you ever felt like a failure of a parent? Well you are not alone!!! Raising children is hard work; raising children as a one parent unit even harder; raising children from a dysfunctional family and no idea how to parent is the hardest fucking job in the whole world!! You can disagree all you want, but until you’ve done it don’t even attempt to argue with me. I know I am not the greatest parent, but I do give it my all and try the best I can. I don’t know how to communicate with bitchy teenagers, and I am an emotional wreck on a good day. Watching my children struggle is hard on me, and I am completely lost at what to do. I know I am supposed to be “the adult” but lets emphasize barely…… My boyfriend says he is here to build me up, and he hates watching me be torn down by anyone let alone teenagers.

What is the hardest is being told how to parent your children. If I am hard for taking away the wifi for skipping school, or I’m a terrible parent for expecting respect in my household then what constitutes a good parent? I know I ignore some issues for the fact conflict is uncomfortable, but sometimes I just try to save an argument. Apparently I am on this luxurious vacation enjoying time from my responsibilities, but let me say that if I wanted luxury time away from my life Cold Lake Alberta would not be my first destination! Between a flat tire issue, a boat full of 1000 pounds of ice and a blizzard coming our way with an estimated 40 cm of snow for our journey home I am far from “enjoying” my self like some thing. Here’s the thing, I am enjoying myself, but for different reasons.

1. I get to wake up after 9am.

2. My boyfriend and I are really getting to know one another.

3. I don’t have a million things going at once and I can just breathe.

4. I have space to just be.

Sometimes we need this time to breathe. I am a one parent unit doing the best I possibly can, and I know I’m not doing a 100% perfect job. My kids have a beautiful home to live in, they are fed well (even though they may complain it isn’t what they want), the bills are paid giving them heat, hot water, water for that matter and electricity.

I have had some time to think, and I am ready to attack this parenting thing head on.

I have one night left here, and then it’s our time to leave back for BC during a blizzard and back to reality. All I can say is “this too shall pass” and for all you struggling parents out there breathe life can’t be hard all the time I believe.

Now to sandwich hahahaha. Check out these cool planes on the Military Base.

Until next time followers.

Xoxo Badass Bon