Do you have a song that speaks to you? The one you sing out loud every time you hear it. The one where you belt out the words as if you recorded it, even though you can’t hit the notes becase singing is not your strong point? Well I do. I first heard the song Home by Phillip Phillips May 22, 2012 and it has since been my favourite song. I was in a relationship that started out physically abusive but turned into emotional through the tumultuous years I stayed. I was broken, tired, drinking shots of vodka every night alone after the kids were in bed and just coasting along through life. I had not felt like I had a home since my Grandma passed in 2004 and I did not know my place in the world. I felt alone and the years were flying by at an incredible speed.

I left that relationship but this song became strength to me. I was so afraid to go down the path I was going alone, and I just yearned for a home. Today I am not alone, but instead I have a tribe of people that are inspired by me. I used to think life was all about finding someone to make myself happy, become a family and live life as I believed everyone else was. Now I see clearly, and I get clearer every day. I get to make me happy!! I am never alone because I have the best version of myself and in turn a tribe of individuals that are rising up along with me.

My Grandma never remarried, and I never knew her with a man, but she was married to her work and boy did she make a difference in the world. I am not giving up on love, but I am trying my hardest to not fall into old routines. I do not need to be defined by my relationship status, and I don’t need to be on a mission to finding the one because when we do meet we will know right. I want to change lives and with doing that I will be changing my life drastically in turn improving my childrens lives. There is that cycle I talk about and I am ending the cycle of abuse and violence. I stand on my feet strong in knowing my purpose is meant in this way.

That unfamiliar road in the song is exactly where I am, and the demons are not in charge anymore. It’ll all be clear and it really will be if you are open to understanding it and then embracing it!! Just know you’re not alone ‘Cause I’m going to make this place your home. You are not alone!!! And home is where you make it. I could no longer force myself to make homes with people who do not value me, and finally I have a home!! I am fulfilled and have never been so grateful in my life. People actually like me!!! Who would’ve thought being genuine is better than being fake and “cool!”

I leave you tonight with two pictures of my Grandmother who is about as badass as any woman in her time. She did what most men couldn’t in a male driven world. My hero, my idol and my favourite egg maker in the world. I love you Grandma Ceel and you push me to excellence to this day. I also leave you with the video of my favourite song. XX


“Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?”

Tonight I watched the movie Indian Horse with a friend who is very near to my heart  and boy did we cry. We knew we would and that is why we brought our own box of Kleenex, boy did we ever need them. Imagine me in my seat sobbing uncontrollably while blowing my snotty nose. Yea real hot hahahaha.

On the way home we talked deeply about the historical trauma we as Indigenous people have suffered and this is no different for myself. As much as I am pained by what my parents have done to me tonight I had some compassion. We as humans have choices to make regardless of our past. I personally have made many poor choices and today I rise above them all. Although this movie was based on Residential Schools it still is closely connected to the sixties scoop. My mother was called an “ugly nigger baby that is so ugly no one could love her.” She then lived in 13 foster homes and was abused sexually by multiple persons in majority of these homes. Yes I understand her for this but she chooses to be a victim and not own up to her mistakes. My step dad is a by-product of residential schools and has many mental health issues. Why he chose to molest me is unknown, but I know he needed help. Compassion I have, but tolerance is something I hold in high regard.

As I look back on the file my mom received from her childhood I see the pain that she lived through and in turn put upon me. It is my choice to stand up and end the cycle. It is said it will take 3 generations to heal from historical trauma and so I have some work to do to ensure I help as many people as I can end their cycles. Yes it is fucking hard!! Like Saul in the movie he was triggered and he gave up his dream; became an alcoholic and was filled with anger, but he too persisted. Sounds all too familiar.

When I first heard this song it resonated deeply with me. I listen to it every single day.


Understand the following is how I feel when I listen to this song and it is the emotions and thoughts that run through my mind. I am not that broken girl anymore but I am ever so aware of my feelings regarding my life. I am 100% open and vulnerable because I know I am not alone. People message me saying my words are their words that they are afraid to speak, so maybe if I continue to bare my truth it will help others bare their own.


How much of my mother has my mother left in me?
How much of my love will be insane to some degree?
And what about this feeling that I’m never good enough?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

My ex would tell me I would grow into an ugly woman like my mother and that I was crazy like her. My biggest fear in life was being like her and being a failure of a mother. Even though I did fail in the early years as a mother who abandoned her children with her mother of all people. Would I love like her always? Like it was meaningless? And this feeling of not being good enough. I wasn’t good enough for her. I did everything to please her as a child. I would proudly show her my school work and she would get mad at me. Always disappointed. Was I destined to be a punching bag? Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in MY blood. Was I ever going to be good enough or was this my place in life.

How much of my father am I destined to become?
Will I dim the lights inside me just to satisfy someone?
Will I let this woman kill me, or do away with jealous love?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

How much of my (step) father was I destined to become? I was afraid to touch my children for years afraid people knew I was molested and if I kept that secret that made me a bad person. I did not hug my children often, but boy I won’t let go now. I dimmed my light to satisfy someone. Several people actually. I kept the secret for fear of ruining peoples lives. I felt it my duty to give up my life for others to not suffer. Jealous love; oh boy. I always loved my mom even though she had a burning jealousy of me and how my Grandma doted on me.

I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need
But it’s never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, can I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

That love was not real. The marriage, the lies and desire to not be a failure. I finally stood on my story demanding the love I deserve and can give. I can change it because I choose to rise above the flood. I believe it can wash out in the water as I have family now that is not blood.

How much like my brothers, do my brothers wanna be?
Does a broken home become another broken family?
Or will we be there for each other, like nobody ever could?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

Our broken family and broken home always fell heavily on my shoulders. If I had never wrote in my diary that he was molesting me my mom never would have found out. She would not hate me for what her husband did. If I was not born she would still have her son. She never told me it was my fault, but she made it very clear the ministry advised her of giving him up as she couldn’t handle both him and me. When you hear it enough you begin to analyze it as if I wasn’t there she wouldn’t have had the choice. 

I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need
But it’s never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, could I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
I can feel the love I want, I can feel the love I need
But it’s never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, can I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

I love this because it is my truth and I choose to rise above. Love will come because I am no longer the way I was. I made the choice to change and now the flood is nothing mere of a puddle. 

XX Badass Bon

Soulful Sunday brought to you by Badass Bonnie

Wouldn’t you like to know the key to success? The secret to succeeding? What if I told you that you are the key. You are the secret. It comes down to investing, hard work and being badass.

Now when I say investing I don’t mean going and jumping into every opportunity that requires an investment but to invest in yourself. I also do not mean you need to invest your money (although you sometimes need to) but to invest your time. Always remember time is money; there is NO such thing as a free lunch. If you have taken macro-economics you would know this concept. Imagine someone gave you something for free but you had to pick it up an hour away. You have paid for fuel and time. Time is my highest commodity that I spend very wisely. I of course wouldn’t be where I am today without investing money in the form of licences, books, travel and merchandise.

Hard work is a key component to success. Not everyone’s dreams are far reached like mine have been (I am not going to be Oprah as I am Bonnie, but I will be the Canadian equivalent) but dreams take work and dedication. I tried sitting on the sidelines waiting for opportunities to be tossed into my lap. Let me help you not waste your time and tell you to work for it. I now see I couldn’t expect to be invited to speak if no one has heard me speak yet, but once I put myself out there and started building relationships with key players I was a welcome addition to many stages.

Being badass! Well you certainly don’t need to be, but I ask why the heck wouldn’t you want to be? Being badass to me means standing for what I believe in NO MATTER WHAT! It means going against what society thinks success is. It means saying NO to abuse, violence, addiction and poor choices. It means not being a door mat. It means having an opinion and not changing it because it doesn’t fit someone else’s opinion. And it most definitely means not giving a shit what people think of me.

I was scared last year of what people would think of me for engaging with my parents after all they put me through. Crazy right? Why should I be shamed for something my 2 to 10 year old self had no control over? That’s right, I damn well shouldn’t be nor am I today. I speak openly and freely of my traumatic childhood, and if you don’t like the truth then I suggest you keep on clicking to another blog because I have kept secrets for far too long. I am here to share my stories to inspire us all to share our stories. This idea of a better world does exist I believe with truth and unity. I have since abandoned my parents with not a second thought in the same way they chose to abuse me and steal my innocence without a second thought.

Now some of you may wonder what successes I have had with the above formula so let me lay it on you. 554 days ago I was partying as if it were 1999. I was drinking like my usual self (out of oblivion) and higher than a kite on cocaine. Looking back I remember I didn’t like the taste of alcohol or the action of snorting stuff up my nose, but I did and I did in extreme excess. I was a cutter and was screaming for help without saying help as I never wanted to be deemed helpless. 553 days ago I woke up and just knew I was done. I had an idea if I got sober and my husband got sober he would love me and our lives would be enriched. Hahahahahahahahaha (let’s get real) never force a relationship with someone who doesn’t value or support you!! Fast forward to today and I am sober and full of life and love. I am an international best selling author, public speaker, shame fighter, BADASS and here to change the way we deal with sexual abuse. I travel for events and have started new endeavours and movements are being formed. I am no longer screaming for help but screaming I will help YOU! I do not want to be better than anyone else (although I strive to be the best for me and my children) but I want to inspire all survivors to be badass like me. Own our pasts and stand up to show all we can overcome.

I offer my hand to anyone who feels they are alone on this quest of self discovery. I have been there, and I can guarantee if you ditch the shame you will be free. I leave you with a picture from this weekend where I met all the authors of the book I have one of my stories in.

Sacred Hearts Rising Summit 2018 Edmonton, Alberta


Soulful Sunday


Miss me? I hope so because I have missed blogging. No excuses though okay. I simply didn’t get around to it. I haven’t experienced much of a “normal” life or schedule and some days I barely remember to eat. Don’t worry though, I am working on improving this.

I have decided I will commit to blogging every Sunday and this will be where I let you guys look into my soul. The deep stuff that I would love to share with you. The stuff that drives me, scares me, pushes me to reach farther. I can blog about anything I want but Sundays are for the deep meanings and what I feel deeply about.

So here is a song I want you to listen to knowing that it is significant to me. The backstory to how this song became important to me goes back to when I left my last child’s Father. A man who stripped me of all self confidence and had me questioning my sanity. I was so broken and unworthy of life in my head that I didn’t care if I amounted to anything. When I left him for good I fell into doing a lot of partying and I got an unexpected phone call asking me to come to Mission Hospital because my big brother Eddie was dying and if he didn’t get on life support soon he wasn’t going to be around much longer. My brother I thought? I hadn’t seen him in years! I mean 8 years with my ex and I didn’t see a lot of anyone and had no social media or outside friends.

The thought of my brother dying and my guilt that I abandoned him was overbearing. I got into my car and this song came on immediately. Please listen before reading on.

In case you didn’t know my brother Eddie lived with severe epilepsy called Lennox Gastaut and had over 30 other disabilities. On a good day he was about as old as a 4 year old. He spoke minimal words but he always remembered who I was “bunny.” I was in the emergency room within the time this song played and signing off to have him put on life support. I held his hand so tight but his body was so cold. He was dying. My brother was leaving me and I was too selfish to visit him. The hospital was too small for him and he was transferred to Abbotsford as they could better handle him. I got in my van and headed right there to be by his side.

This song was on again!! I got to the hospital and once he was in ICU I was told not to expect him to last the night. He was seizuring over and over and his eyes stayed wide open. They taped them shut and I started to crumble inside. I had to tell my Mom and no one wanted the task of telling her that her son was a dying. Although she didn’t raise him he is her prized child (maybe because he didn’t talk back) and of course she freaked out over the news. Especially because I was called to give authority on HER son. My Mom is not one to reason with, so I was the better option even though I did not have my shit together. I hid my addiction extremely well during this time.

So we stayed by his side. I prayed. I cried. I was ashamed this was the longest time I’d ever spent with him. Eventually I had to go home to my children. I said my good bye and that I would hope to see Eddie in the morning. The next day we sat down with the Dr’s and team discussed if I wanted to do a DNR if necessary. I said absolutely not as Eddie couldn’t stand a stray string on any clothing wether on him or not let alone a tube in his throat if they chose a tracheotomy, and if they tried to resuscitate him they would likely break his frail ribs. Nope, little sis wants quality of life over selfishness. Did I mention this song played each and every time I went into my vehicle!?

Day 3, the same guy who told me to prepare for my brothers death said hes tough. No, he is a miracle. He started to get better and better every single day! Eventually he was fine, and moved to a new group home care where he lived his remaining few years. This song has come on periodically throughout the years when I am down and it has many meanings for different people but for me it is my sadness of not being loved by my Mom and being molested by my step dad. About stumbling down and learning to love myself after years of not having true love. It’s me telling Eddie to say something to me. It means he will follow me wherever I go. It’s the people who have given up on me. I took this song as something more than a sad love song and it summed up my life and my relationships and my push to not give up and to say something which is exactly what I am doing today. Today I am saying something that needed to be said 30 years ago and my brother is right by my side!

I leave you tonight with a clip of a video I made last year in a challenge I was in. It is dedicated to my brother and my sobriety. Thank you for peering deep within if only for a few minutes .