Today was literally like 3 days in one! Visits, dinner with friends, packing and sorting pageant stuff, picking up last minute items, cleaning, final lists made, and a good night blog. Hmmmmm, and the feeling around today was anxious. Remember, we procrastinate not to avoid the task but to avoid the feeling associated with the task. So all month, and all week I put off everything that I crammed into 3 days.
I think procrastinating can be avoided now that I know it is the feeling I am avoiding. By being aware of the feeling and thinking it through I may just overcome this issue that probably gives me more anxiety than if I just got it done.
I also think I avoid doing it because in the past I would quit. I never fully finished anything in my life. School, jobs, heck I didn’t even finish a full season due to being pregnant on the carnival lol!!! But here I am killing it. I am going into tomorrow as ready as I will ever be. My van is packed, my morning outfit is ready, my make up is out and ready for the morning; to then be packed up and brought with me, my overnight bags are ready (so grateful for one of my besties to host me so I will only be a five minute drive from the theatre), and my personality is ready to be shared. Let’s be honest, I may look intimidating before my morning coffee but I am literally a ray of fucking sunshine with loads of humour that’ll possibly make some pee their pants a little.
I may not be fully rehearsed, or know every dance step to a T, or even know exactly what my speech will be tomorrow night, but this is how I have done things since I began this way of life. My speeches are never practiced or written down and I feel I get more powerful each and every time I get out there, so I am ready!
Stay tuned for Monday, as I will be back to let you all know how I made out. Honestly I think I’ve won anyways; maybe not the title but the encouragement, confidence, support, and drive to do something that completely scares the shit out of me!! I told my girlfriend that if I was to trip in my huge heels I would just continue rolling on stage to my spot because why not just “roll with it” hahahaha….
Two sleeps and I am pageant ready. I am exhausted, almost packed, slightly rehearsed and ready to just go for it. I typically do everything unrehearsed so this is a walk in the park for me. Tomorrow will be a huge day but I say “bring it on!”
Short and sweet. I made the paper, and really thats why I entered the Miss BC pageant to further spread my message and so far it has paid off. So like I say dreams are not for dreaming but achieving!!
I have a major toothache, I can’t remember the last time I had an amazing nights sleep, and of course I have gotten a lot done but not everything. Did I mention I’m a single mom who runs a household full of teenagers and not only is it 3 nights to the pageant but it is the end of the school year and month which means crazy schedules and usual month end errands.
It seems when we think its too much you get a sign and boom your like heck no “I got this!” I had already seen my article for the Abby News online, but once in print it was such a boost of confidence that I am indeed doing what I am meant to. The people that reached out, who shared my article, who sent words of inspiration are my tribe. The people who are inspired by me but also inspire me. It’s a great cycle to be a part of.
Of course there are some peoples support that I wish I was receiving, but I always need to remember that people come into our lives for three things; a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Some reasons plain suck, but if you look closely you’ll see the lesson and when you can find the lesson you can grow. Like learning not all people have your back or are as honest as they say they are. I can’t change the world, or anyone for that matter, but I can improve myself and inspire change in others. And I’m not talking changing who people are, but changing what we are about. Living a purposeful life, being the change we seek in the world, just plain being badass! Why live day in and day out doing the ordinary when we can do the extraordinary and make the world a better place.
Well I have been able to keep my promises to people this week and share my experiences through blogging and that is good. I have also been able to keep the 15 pounds I have recently lost off, so I feel pretty amazing about that too. It has just been hard adjusting to single life again. I have always been a single mom pretty much, but a single person not so much. Even though my relationships were never healthy it is an adjustment to go back to having no companionship.
I have been in such a funk this last month that I have once again left everything until the last minute, but after doing some research I’ve come to learn that I most likely procrastinate not because of the task at hand but the feeling I will feel when doing it. My biggest procrastination this month has been writing my chapter, but I know after it’s all written I will feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Now that I am aware of this I am going to make an honest attempt to put an end to my procrastination.
And as for companionship I am really learning how to reach out to people. Surrounding myself with people who genuinely care about me wellbeing. When we surround ourselves with positive people we tend to start acting positively, and like I always say positivity breeds positivity.
Well that is my food for thought for tonight. Check back tomorrow for more Bonnie Badass!
Anxiety… This is my life on a daily. Worrying. Overthinking. It is simply exhausting, and here I am pushing through it because the alternative isn’t rewarding. I have spent so many years debilitated by other peoples opinions of me that I was trapped in this never ending cycle of trying to perfect myself.
I came to realize recently that I have formed some unusual bonds with people. People who did not like the old me, or had a skewed idea of who I was. It is this new path in life that has given me more friends than I know what to do with. To feel fulfilled by my tribe is a wonderful feeling, and I owe it all to my sobriety. Without sobriety I would still be hiding behind those big brick walls I spent years building. To think I started laying these bricks down as a young toddler.
A girlfriend said to me the other day that she remembered me as a mouthy girl. One with a bad attitude. Looking back I remember that girl and she was simply trying to fit in, yet was always thinking everyone hated her so she showed attention how she was taught. Violence and fighting. Now fast forward to today and the thought of confrontation scares me. Without those walls and booze I am actually a really kind loving person.
A reminder that everyone has a story, and some of them are really heartbreaking. I will not sit here and think about how I could have been a better if life was different because its not. I am not perfect nor will I pretend to be; I am a bit of a princess though. So yea, I am a bit of a hard person with a thick shell that can take a lot of shit, but I no longer need to. You are in my life, or you are not. So to all those people who have stuck by my side, and to all those that have come back around and all of you newcomers who say I inspire you THANK YOU! Thank you for believing in me, for understanding me and for pushing me to excellence. For the haters, y’all need to dig deep inside yourself and figure out your own stuff because I can guarantee when your liking a fulfilled life you will stop hating on others.
Check back tomorrow to see what else needs to get off my chest.
I sit here just before bed making lists upon lists of what I need to get done with only 6 sleeps until pageant weekend. A weekend jam packed with rehearsals and everything required to compete. As a single mom these lists are making me wonder what kind of crazy was I when I decided to apply for a pageant. Me! In a pageant! I am not going to lie I am freaking out. There is a lot to prepare for, and as a procrastinator I am of course getting a late start. Then of course it is the last week of school with my son recieving an award, year end activities, end of the month shopping, cleaning… there is constant cleaning when running a household… and finishing my chapter that will be in the second Sacred Hearts Rising Book.
So, back to me being crazy. Since I was 14 I always thought I was too fat and I thought I was an awkward looking girl. As I grew into a young woman I compared myself to all my friends and I was never happy with what I had for body and looks. How sad as I look back at how some of us portray ourselves. Being molested as a child I never had worth for myself, and this has shown throughout my life. I chose men who never complimented me, and my worth dwindled through every failed relationship. Every time I was put down by a boyfriend I would agree with them. It saddens me how I fell into being a compliant girlfriend who believed I could not achieve better in a relationship and my life. I enjoyed the rush of fighting, yelling and I even enjoyed the times I was beaten. Violence was normal to me and I was caught in the abyss of the family cycle; the one that takes determination and a strong mind to get out of.
There’s a saying I remember hearing often ”honesty is the best policy” and so I bare myself leading up to this pageant and throughout with the determination to continue blogging regularly and to get the F out of this funk. My truth is I had a week where all I did was sleep. I was depressed. I wasn’t sad or happy just tired. Raising teenagers as a single mom is one thing, but raising ones when your not even 2 years sober is a whole other kind of parenting. One, I didn’t learn how to love in a normal way by the people who should have protected me, so I am essentially learning how to parent from scratch. Party mom was unreliable, moody and selfish. Two, I am constantly proving to myself and my children that I am strong enough to continue on this path I have chosen. Sometimes I feel defeated by the damage I have caused by being reckless and not thinking about the consequences. I really hope someone is reading this who needs to hear this. We can rise!!
I enter this week with a fresh way of thinking. I no longer need to worry about my looks and my body size because that is not what this pageant is about, or life for that matter. Today I embrace my size and am actually quite happy with many of my attributes. I am not perfect and only strive to be the best me I know how to be. It is what I offer the world that makes me special, and to those like me who have self doubt, anxiety, depression or anything that holds you back from trying I am positive you can overcome it with the right attitude, supportive tribe and determination. I am passionate about helping build others up to build strong communities. To reach dreams thought impossible.
I joined this pageant for added confidence, to embrace my beauty (we are all beautiful) and to spread awareness. I am sure I will not be the only nervous one, and I am positive that my best will be good enough. Winning is not everything in my book either; I believe every moment, decision and effort is a lesson. I will take away from this experience and continue to inspire others to Stand up, Rise up and Show up.
This last weekend I was tempted to pick up a drink and simply not think about my sobriety. I just wanted to be like everyone else and have some fun without being an alcoholic. I remember a time when I could have a few drinks, or even lots of drinks and just calling it a night. This is not the case anymore as I know my thought process when I drink. Boy do I get some good ideas when drinking. Like let’s spend all my money on booze and blow and not worry about the consequences until the next day. Yea, probably a good thing I decided to continue with my sobriety.
Here’s the thing. I will always be an alcoholic and I will constantly need to check on my sobriety. I couldn’t remember my last meeting, and today I got an invite and off I went. Guess what happened after the meeting….. calmness. An understanding that these meetings are my medicine to my sickness. This is something I have known all along, but I am stubborn and think I can handle everything on my own. Guess what, lol, no one can or should have to handle stuff on their own.
So here I am on my knees praying to my higher power to guide me. To stand by my side through this journey and to keep me strong. I know what I need to do and I will do it because I am not throwing over 600 days out the window on a shitty reason. If you are struggling with addiction please reach out to me or someone/anyone to help you. You are not alone, nor are you weak. I havent been this strong in my entire life. The strength comes from standing tall to my addiction and staring it head on ready to live!