Isolation blues…..

To think that March 13th I was out celebrating a friends birthday with no care in the world, and today I am finishing up day 10 of isolation with no end in view. So let’s have some real talk on isolation from my perspective.

I feel I am on autopilot with not much purpose in life. As a small business owner I have been hit hard with this situation, but I am not even worried about that currently. Instead my mental health comes first. I, like many others have depression, anxiety and PTSD. When I started serious social distancing I knew it would be a struggle for me, as I feed off human interaction. The first few days all I did was cook, bake and clean. I slept maybe 4 hours a night. Actually lets be completely honest. I slept 4 hours in the damn morning because I can’t fucking sleep. I can’t sit still. I can’t go out. I’m forced to be alone. This is literally so hard for me.

I started feeling like a robot. Go to sleep finally around 6 am, wake up at 10 am, coffee times 6, start baking and cooking and organizing and cleaning and before I know it it’s night time and thats where the loneliness kicks in. Kids are asleep and I am alone. Considering I am a single woman I should be used to being alone right? Wrong. The isolation blues have set in. No dinners out, no lunch dates with the girls, no Friday night drinks, no flirting with the guy I like and just enjoying his company. Instead I am in a constant state of what do I do so I don’t go crazy. From cooking a turkey dinner to baking a random cheesecake to the hundreds of times I walk up and down my hallway with no reasoning.

It’s disassociation at its finest once again. If I chose to just lay around and watch movies most likely I will do that for days falling into a deeper state of depression. So I cook and bake and eat and clean. This is my life.

The feeling of isolation has gotten the best of me. I have cried twice in these ten days. Nothing makes you feel more alone than being alone in the first place and then being alone crying just tops the cake. Oh ya I baked a cake too.

I am realizing how I took so much for granted. How I spent so much time on stupid shit. I’m trying to see the light in all this. Not only is our Earth on a time out and healing we are too. I’ve realized what I care about and what really matters. The relationships in my life matter most; my children and my closest friends. My relationship with myself too; how can I grow from this and become the best version of myself. No point in being isolated and not learning from this right.

What I have learnt about social distancing though is humanity is good. Not all, but more than I may have thought before. The integrity I have seen in some people blows me away. The amount of people willing to help others is amazing to see. As someone with lung issues it is scary for me to go out, yet I have some pretty amazing people in my life. All of my groceries were delivered by a friend, meals have been exchanged, coffees dropped off, and best of all birthdays gifts on my day. Even though we are in a new way of life does not mean life is over it just means we adjust to keep people safe. It’s part of being resilient.

I look forward to being able to physically see people again, to hold my nieces and nephews, to go out for play dates with the kids and to freely go about our lives. But for now I will continue get through everyday the best I can. Never will I take for granted the little things in life.

Drop your go to activities during social distancing in the comments. It would be great to hear how everyone is getting through this.