A friend once said to me last year that we meet people for a reason, a season or a lifetime and this saying has helped me throughout my journey as people come and go in my life. When I got sober many old friends became a distant memory as my lifestyle changed so abruptly, and I struggled with the losses immensely. I have always had a very big heart and loss is never an easy pill to swallow.
3 months into my sobriety I joined a makeover challenge. 7 days into the challenge my brother died. At the end of the challenge I made my declaration to become a public speaker and to spread awareness about sexual abuse. I stood up to my abusers once and for all. During all these difficult times I have had the pleasure of many friends support me. I grew some incredible bonds with women who became my ride or die crew. I broke down with some of these girls and told them my deepest darkest secrets, but what I didn’t expect was for none of them to be in my life today.
There are no reunion get togethers, no messages to say hello and sadly phone calls/texts are left unanswered. Monday I spoke at an event that will be aired on tv and I thought I would for sure have many attend the event since tickets were such an affordable price. We are talking $10 compared to the usual events I do where minimum cost is $100. Not one person came and I really wondered where was my tribe. I’ve processed these new revelations and I get it now. These people I miss and feel abandoned by are my season and reason friends, and I am grateful for the roles they played in my life, but the purpose has been met and I am moving into the next chapter of my life.
How true is this? I’ve been learning how to live my life not only with purpose but positivity. Simple right? One would think so, but when you’ve lived a negative life for many years sometimes the positive in life is hard to see.
I must tell you how rewarding it is to live by these two rules, and let me point out one can’t expect perfection in life, but I figure any step in the right direction means you’re heading the right way. So be proud and enjoy what being positive brings you in life. I was a pretty happy child but my teen years I developed a very dark side. I was filled with a burning rage towards my parents and anyone who I thought deserved my wrath. I was known as a tough chick without even having to fight often, and even in my twenties I was playing the tough girl role. I could use my words to bring a person down, and if you messed with anyone I loved you were getting the brunt of my rage. Everything angered me from the slightest thing as something spilt on the carpets, drawings on the walls, a stare from someone at a restaurant and those pushy people that simply can’t wait in a line up or walking through a busy mall during the holidays. I know first hand negativity breeds negativity but during these times I never admitted it and thought I was content living life in this way.
Fast forward to today. My friend felt terrible that her 2 year old got a hold of a red crayon and drew on my couch. I hadn’t seen it yet but said don’t worry about it. When I walked in I giggled and said oh look he legit drew Auntie a picture. It was another defining moment where I realized I am learning to let go of that unnecessary anger. Just like negativity; positivity breeds positivity. That shit is great! To think I just can choose not to get mad over something that is already done and can’t be changed. Well shit! Life goes on, and I choose to go along happily. There are still times I get a bit negative like when someone rides my ass on the freeway or drives like a moron I may throw up a finger with no class, but hey remember I am far from perfect and a long way from where I used to be, so don’t sweat the small stuff in life because there’s a bright side to everything if you’re willing to change your perspective.