That isn’t love!

So what was it then? It felt like love and it was intense and I gave myself and my will away for the feeling of being wanted. It stabbed me in my heart when he left. It absolutely destroyed me to find out days after me he was already trying to hook up with not only random women but his friends girlfriends. It gutted me to find women’s belongings in my vehicle. It almost made me feel like giving up on living. I actually lived for him and not myself and my children.

Why would I do that? Why would I be so blinded and believe lies I knew were truths? Well it’s called trauma bond. You think it is love but once it’s gone and you do the research it all makes sense. The highs and lows of our relationship were like a roller coaster. The highs were soooo great but the lows and verbal abuse and anger towards me were extreme lows. Once he was gone the hurt I felt was a loss of dopamine and me craving not him but the highs and lows. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I am not used to all this calm so I crave him like a drug. I crave the emotional roller coaster because I don’t know what to do with this calm.

Yes, I still hurt but I hurt less today then I did yesterday. Each and every day is a gift and a chance to be better. I acknowledge my part in all of this and I also know I allowed myself to be used.

I can’t sit and wait for him to say sorry. I can’t sit and be sad that he’s moved on. I no longer choose to be his door mat. I choose me. I choose growth and I choose to succeed.

To the next man that thinks they can date me. Stop. Turn around. Walk away. This woman has some major healing to do and it will not be done over night.

Stay Badass!

XX Badass Bon

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