Day 8 memory lane

Post a picture was today’s prompt so here is one with story time included.

I met my bio dad at what I thought was the age of 12. What I remember from this day is that my mom took me to her friends house in downtown Vancouver for a bbq. Of course there was drinking involved, as the day wore on the drunker she got. We were sitting at a picnic table in the backyard and she blurts out “Gord is your father.” He was sitting across from us at the table.

I knew my step dad had adopted me, but I wasn’t expecting this kind of introduction to my bio dad. I didn’t know how to react. after this initial meet I wasn’t sure how to continue a relationship with this man. It was all very awkward for me. He had bought me a Christmas gift and a birthday gift but I didn’t call him or try hard to know him. My mom later told me he stopped trying because of my lack of effort.

I never saw my bio dad again for over 25 years.

Fast forward to meeting my father a couple of years ago and going on a camping trip with him. It was my first time re-meeting my aunt and uncle. While camping my aunt gave me this picture. She said I was 9 and it was the last time they saw me. They didn’t know the bad side of my mother, they didn’t know about my step dad molesting me and they didn’t know the hell I had lived through.

I sat in all of this and wondered why I thought I was 12 all these years when I had met my father when in fact I was 9. Where did those 3 years go? I wonder what my timeline actually looks like as a child. I have minimal memories of my childhood. Maybe a dozen prominent memories but up until I was 14 it is either a blur or a complete blank. Trauma changes us. It changes the way our brains work.

I know now how I am different from others because of my ptsd and I am much easier on myself thanks to being aware and willing to learn.

If I could go back to this day and tell my younger self something it would go something like this.

You are strong, and everything that has happened to you is not your fault. You are beautiful and meant for great things. You are not your mother and you are not defined by what you have gone through. Stand tall always and never back down from your gut instincts. You will grow up one day into a beautiful woman and you will make a difference, but first you will be thrown some curveballs; you just need to learn to catch the fastballs and not be afraid of them. You are important!

So to anyone that has gone through trauma, you are enough! It was not your fault but what you choose to do with it now is. You can either sit in it or get up and move away from it.

Stay Strong everyone. We need you here!

xx Badassbon

Day 7 and my bucket list

Considering my bucket list is always growing I will share my top 10 must do before I die list.

1. Skydive. This is something I have wanted to do for a very long time, but I’m super freaked out about it. Not necessarily afraid of heights but jumping out of a plane seems a little crazy. I just really want the adrenaline rush…..

2. Go back to Paris and enjoy it properly. I was 15 when I spent a month in Paris. I was irresponsible and a bit dumb back then. All I wanted to do was party and shop; which I did a lot of lol. There was this amusement place called mini France or something and I quickly walked through the place taking pictures and I was satisfied with “seeing” what Paris had to offer. Sad…. I did go to the Eiffel Tower. So a redo trip there is high in my list.

3. Give a TEDx talk. I feel being on a TED stage would be quite an accomplishment. My goals are to perfect my speeches and work towards this.

4. Take a train across Canada. Honestly this isn’t one of my bucket list choices, but my grandmother always told me if you get the chance to take a train across Canada you definitely should. Now that she is gone it has always been on my mind to experience it. Not high on my list but would do if time and finances allowed.

5. Write my damn biography. I have the time to write it, but bringing up 39 years of trauma is an emotional rollercoaster. It will happen I can promise you that.

6. Write a dating book. Think Amy Schumer’s bio but me. It will be raunchy, hilarious and completely honest. Now this is one that will be fun to write and even funnier for all you guys to read.

7. Write a children’s book. Actually two. One on confidence and one on abuse. I see a trend going on here and a whole bunch of writing in my future.

8. Live somewhere warm year round. I love BC and this place will always be my home, but I am not made for cold weather. I’m a big baby regarding the cold, so this momma needs to live somewhere warm with sandy beaches. Big dreams for this woman!

9. Host a kickass event around being a Badass person. I’ve been to many conferences and I would love the opportunity to do one myself. I had plans to do one in 2020, but now I’m thinking 2021. This will be a day or weekend of growth, love, understanding, vulnerability and acceptance. I get chills just thinking about it. This will be one not to miss.

10. Hike up a mountain and take pictures dressed up. I’ve seen groups of people doing this before and I’ve always wanted some photos with an amazing background dressed to the nines. I think this one will be checked off my list first. I’ve been thinking about this one a lot this past month. Social distancing hike anyone?

Stay Strong and safe out there ✌?

xx Badassbon

Day 6 and a random look at my playlist from shuffle

Mostly rap as I suspected it would be with a sprinkle of country hahaha. Not much I can say about my music, but I can definitely touch base on other things.

Like how fucking crazy I am going, yet how anxious I am about what the future will look like. I am used to living alone with my kids, and I’m definitely used to being single, but I am not used to not seeing so many of my friends. Yes, I have gone out and seen some people but in a safe and distant way. A lot of people are practicing complete isolation and I respect everyone’s decision but I need some form of human contact or I would be in full depression I am sure.

Then I think about schools possibly opening and I’m like nope! Ill stay home in isolation. It’s a very strange feeling. I want to see people but I don’t want to get sick. I want the kids to socialize but I don’t want to take any chances. I feel some sort of fear about everything going back to normal. Anxiety can suck sometimes. I can’t seem to win.

I’m sure some people were offended by my decision to go quadding two weeks ago with friends, but I assure you we were all safe. I think it is important to do what is best for you. Yes if I got covid it would be deathly for me, but sitting here alone is feeling pretty hard too. It’s like the walls are closing in on me and I have no one.

I do have many people I can rely on, but I hate talking on the phone except to a handful of people, and I can’t spend my days texting everyone I know or I wouldn’t have time to even eat. Seems to be a lose-lose situation.

What I do know is TikTok has become my past time, cooking has become a chance to try new things and the amount of time my teenage daughter actually spends in her room is astonishing. Am I that bad to hang around hahahaha….. today I actually did my hair and make up and went to check the mail. #livingthedream

Whatever your situation during these times know you definitely are not alone. Some of us are really struggling.

Stay Strong because we are all doing the very best we can.

xx Badassbon

Day 5 and 15 interesting facts about me

Okay this is going to be hard digging up 5 facts people don’t already know about me, so I’ll do my best to dig deep. Considering also this is my year to be fully transparent I will hold nothing back tonight or in the future. I will try to dig some facts up from my younger days until I hit 15. Here goes.

Fact 1. I grew up on 50 acres between two houses. My parents house was on one side of the tennis court and my grandma’s house was this huge 10,000 sq ft house on the other. Although there was some terrible moments in my childhood this property gave me a lot of joy. I will never forget the days of “the big house.”

Fact 2. I always wanted to be famous. Guess that stems from my mother putting me into everything. I started dance at age 3, modelling around the same age, acting in my early teens, I played the saxophone, flute, sang in the children’s choir, but I was a terrible artist that went to a fine arts school. Ok ok ok that was a few facts rolled into one. Fact 2 I’m somewhat into the arts.

Fact 3. I am a high school drop out. At the age of 14 I was living with my step-father and that in itself was unhealthy. The details of this time can stay with me until I write my book. Let’s just say I grew up real fast.

Fact 4. My step-after was a full blown needle using addict. When he would take off for days at a time I sometimes had to collect rent from the numerous tenants that lived at his house. I came to love authority and again another reason for growing up so fast.

Fact 5. I met a guy online when I was 15. It was 1996 and the internet was fairly new to many of us. I made friends with people all over the states on this group chat called irc (internet relay chat) I went to San Francisco for my 16th birthday to be with this guy. Yep my parents let me……

Fact 6. Growing up at such a young age I pretty much lived the life of an adult by age 14. Bars, parties, travelling to the states for long periods of time, etc. This was my normal.

Fact 7. I mentioned this before but here it is again. Carnie up in here! Yep! Best time of my life actually. Travelling Canada and making money. Perfect! It also helped that my grandma put me up in a fifth wheel trailer and new truck so I could live my carnie dreams.

Fact 8. I birthed two children while living the carnie life. My two children’s father and I quit not long after my middle child was born and I never travelled with them again. I do however stay in contact with many of them today.

Fact 9. I was in an abusive relationship for almost 8 years. Sometimes it was good, sometimes it was great and many times it was hell. I came out of it a stronger person and I have spent the last 7 years finding myself. Trauma changes a person.

Fact 10. I never found myself to be attractive. I always settled after that relationship. I met a guy and we got married less than a month into the relationship. He saw someone willing to give him a comfy lifestyle and I thought I found someone that loved me.

Fact 11. We divorced less than 3 years later. I started realizing I’d rather be alone than with someone that didn’t love and respect me. He killed whatever small amount of confidence I had left in me.

Fact 12. I’ve tried committing suicide, I’ve cut myself and I’ve hated everything about myself. This was my rock bottom. The point when I couldn’t even stand to look at myself any more. Of course there is more to this story, but as above this I will save for my book. What I can say though is that there is Hope. I still have days where I wish I looked different but they are rare now. I’ve come to love myself and my journey. My story is who I am and I am willing to share it in hopes it helps lift others up.

Fact 13. 13 is not my lucky number 6 is.

Fact 14. I have 3 chapters published in books that hit international best seller. These chapters were my therapy. 1 was about my sexual abuse, 2 domestic abuse and 3 my handicapped brother and some insight on my upbringing. The best advice I have other than investing in yourself is to write your story. Even if to share with one person. It is the most freeing thing I have ever done in my life. I will continue to write now because of this leap I took.

Fact 15, I’m part black. Yes I am native obviously and definitely resonate with my indigenous culture the most, but I definitely embrace my African American side too. I am proud of all my cultures. Can’t forget I am Métis and Norwegian too. Peep that mix yo.

Well that wasn’t hard at all! Come back tomorrow for my playlist shuffled and the first 15 songs it gives me. This should be interesting as I go from gangsta rap to country in a heartbeat.

Stay Strong

xx Badassbon

Day 4 and my 5 current goals

Well first and foremost I would like to survive isolation depression! Maybe not a goal but a need I don’t know. All I know is some days my bed is where I stay for 24 straight hours and it sucks but thanks to social distancing there isn’t much options. So goal one. Survive.

Goal 2 would have to be to finish organizing my house. Yea yea, to all those that have been to my house and think it is ridiculously clean; it is not to me. So goal two goes to having my place in tip top ocd shape.

Goal 3 is to get this damn podcast running. It’s something I keep talking about but my inner beliefs keep shutting it down. Nope it won’t last forever and soon you’ll be seeing my goals being crushed. Maybe it’s a little bit of nervousness. I have found that goals without deadlines never get accomplished for me, so with that being said I give myself until June 1st to drop my first episode. Holy shit did I just do that. Yep!

Goal 4. Spend more quality time with my kids. Yes we are in isolation together, but we seem to all be surviving the best we can. I think family game nights, and daily walks should be incorporated into our schedule.

And for my last goal, this is a big one. Lose some weight. I don’t know how much, but I’d love to just be less than I am now. So time to get back to who I used to be. I remember a year ago I was dropping 100 squats a day, doing yoga and Zumba all at home. No excuses just time to do it.

As I write these goals out I think back to a conversation I had today with my ex-mother in law while dropping my son off for his week at his dads. I was telling her some of us are in this isolation depression and the only reason I haven’t fully fell into it is because I try to keep some normalcy in my life. Like doing my make up and hair. It is on the days I get ready where I feel good about myself and actually do stuff. So if you too are struggling try to keep a schedule. You’re definitely not alone.

Stay Strong

xx Badassbon

Day 3 and what I wore today

Well thank goodness I chose today to be the day I try and look human at least ???

That’s the thing about isolation. It is so easy to just be lazy. I will be the first to admit I’ve had days of utter nothingness. Today, however, after a few bad days I chose to get my butt out of bed and get dressed. Go into town for some supplies and actually cook a good home cooked meal. It feels good too.

So, if your sitting at home in a funk get up and get ready. It feels good and puts some normalcy back into your life.

Come back tomorrow to find out some of my goals.

Stay Strong

xx Badassbon

Day 2 and my favourite quote

I have used this quote many times and to this day it is still my absolute favourite to recite.

The Man In The Arena
“It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly…who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who have never known neither victory nor defeat.”
Teddy Roosevelt

I believe in life if we dare greatly we can never fail, so long as when we stumble we continue to try. This is all we can do in life. Instead of giving up, instead of being too hard on ourselves, instead of pointing the finger at others to stop looking at ourselves and instead of plain out not trying we need to give our best shot at everything we do. Because “the credit belongs to the man in the arena”

I’m in that arena every day. Are you?

xx Badassbon

Let’s get to know Bonnie in 30 days

Am I that interesting? Some would say so, and I would agree with those people. As a diehard procrastinator I’m trying to get into the swing of writing again. What better way than to follow a 30 day guideline and stick to it. Thank you Pinterest for never ending content ideas.

Day 1. Post a picture of yourself with 10 facts.

Fact 1. In case you didn’t know I am a Badass. Actually people called me Bonnie B from age 15 onward. As I jumped into my public speaking and service career people started calling me Badassbon. The B from my teen years stood for Bitch ? I am glad I’ve grown out of that name and into my more fitting one.

Fact 2. I do public speaking. This literally was not on my radar. I knew I wanted to help people and I did always enjoy the limelight, but it was when I went to a conference a couple years ago that I knew my destiny. I shared a bit of my story with my table and before I knew it I was standing on a stage giving the audience my two minute story. I talk fast so they got quite a bit hahaha. Well here I am still sharing my story for the world to hear, but now I do it in 20-40 minutes.

Fact 3. I found my bio dad 2 years ago after searching for 17 years. Thank you Facebook. This was an emotional one for me, as I looked for so long and I never had the courage to call any of the phone numbers I had found. I would instead get my Mom to call. To no avail. When I found him I was heartbroken to hear my mother had contacted him many years before to inform him he was not my father….. side note, he is. She can never take away everything from me no matter how hard she tries.

Fact 4. I have not talked to my mother in 3 years next month.

Fact 5. When I stood up for myself and said fuck shame I publicly shared my story that my step father had in fact molested me. It was then that I cut off all contact to both of them. They still live together to this day.

Fact 6. I travelled with the carnival for many years I started at 14. Back at 15 and 16. From 18-24 and some local spots up until 30. They were singlehandedly my truest family for many years. Truly a place I was never judged and could be my authentic self.

Fact 7. I have a brother. His name is Edward. He was 5 years older than me and passed away. He had 39 disabilities and didn’t grow up with me, but he was very special to me. You can read about him in the book Sacred Hearts Rising: sparks of light. Extra fact. I co-authored a chapter in each of the Sacred Hearts Rising books.

Fact 8. I hold two titles that I won in the Miss BC pageant. One provincial and one regional. Mrs. Charity BC and Mrs. Lower Mainland 2019-2021 I cherish these titles. I worked very hard for these titles and am the proudest of myself for never giving up.

Fact 9. I can swim really really well. My form is atrocious hahaha but I can hold my own. Last summer I swam almost across Hayward lake and back and chilled in the middle for sometime. Got a bit hairy when the current came in, but we all made it. Extra fact. I grew up with an indoor pool and was taught unconventionally. Also known as figure it out hahahaha. Us 80’s babies are tough.

Fact 10. I love my tribe. If I love you I will always be there for you. Wether it’s family, a friend, a significant other or even a pet. If you are in my tribe I will forever be in your corner. My best attributes are my loyalty and integrity.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s prompt My favourite quote and why.

xx Badassbon

Authentic and vulnerable badassery

Frustrated, angry, sad, happy, miserable, alone……. These are just some of the emotions I have felt in the past 30+ days. Some more than others, and some that linger for days, but in feeling these emotions and allowing them all not to win was the battle. Is the battle. The never ending cycle of living through trauma really, and now were hit with this new way of life and it seems everything I’ve always felt feels ten times stronger than they did before.

When this COVID virus hit us and became a part of our reality and was no longer something happening on another part of the world life drastically changed, and let me tell you I took it especially hard. If you know me personally you would know people give me life. I rarely spend 24 hours in my home without seeing a handful of people. I definitely don’t go a week without some forms of networking or restaurant visit, be it a business lunch or girls get together. It happened so suddenly too.

But that’s life and if I had to pick another word other than badass for myself it would be resilient, and through my resiliency I find my way through. I always do, if you question my badassery please start my blog from the beginning.

The first two weeks of isolated living I found myself looking to have control somehow, and so I became obsessed with controlling the cleanliness of my house. I cleaned my place as if I was moving out, and it was crazy… yet here I am two weeks later looking at my desk wondering which hurricane came through and why.

Hurricane Bonbon

Like I don’t even know how what happened. Okay, yes I do. I start getting distracted with other projects and the papers start stacking and then I get into a funk and now I have to start at square one all over again. #Ihatecycles

Because of COVID and social distancing and never going out I feel like I’m living in a timeless wormhole of daily repeats. It has become ridiculously easy to say tomorrow repeatedly and then boom it’s been a month and a bit. On the bright side of staying home is I should be able to get more done. Like that podcast I’ve been talking about doing, or the much anticipated book of my life and I definitely should have blogged more than twice in 5 weeks. It is what it is. Depression sometimes wins.

Here’s the thing though. My depression and I are in a never ending game of tennis and just because it won a game doesn’t mean it’s game over. So, here I am, this ones mine for sure. I believe that as we become aware of our shortcomings and give up on denying them we are much better at rising above.

I just want everyone out there to know whatever it is you’re going through you; you’re not going through it alone. The person home alone battling depression, the one fighting demons, the one fighting for their life, the ones stuck in an abusive situations, the one still full of shame; I have been all these things yet I’ve accomplished so much while still struggling; I want you to know giving up isn’t an option.

In a live interview yesterday with some co-authors of a book I’m a part of I was called a powerhouse. I sure didn’t feel like one as the day before I was in bed until 2pm sleeping and then spent another portion of the day crying. Then I remembered who the fuck I am. Remember who you are. I’m not perfect and never will be. I will always be a little different and do things in a way that make sense to only me but at least I’m doing them.

I am Badass because I am a powerhouse of a woman for standing up for what is right. I have ditched so much shame for years of trauma and for that I am Badass. I ask you to look into a mirror and ask yourself what makes you Badass and then don’t forget that.

Stay safe. xx Badassbon