Frustrated, angry, sad, happy, miserable, alone……. These are just some of the emotions I have felt in the past 30+ days. Some more than others, and some that linger for days, but in feeling these emotions and allowing them all not to win was the battle. Is the battle. The never ending cycle of living through trauma really, and now were hit with this new way of life and it seems everything I’ve always felt feels ten times stronger than they did before.
When this COVID virus hit us and became a part of our reality and was no longer something happening on another part of the world life drastically changed, and let me tell you I took it especially hard. If you know me personally you would know people give me life. I rarely spend 24 hours in my home without seeing a handful of people. I definitely don’t go a week without some forms of networking or restaurant visit, be it a business lunch or girls get together. It happened so suddenly too.
But that’s life and if I had to pick another word other than badass for myself it would be resilient, and through my resiliency I find my way through. I always do, if you question my badassery please start my blog from the beginning.
The first two weeks of isolated living I found myself looking to have control somehow, and so I became obsessed with controlling the cleanliness of my house. I cleaned my place as if I was moving out, and it was crazy… yet here I am two weeks later looking at my desk wondering which hurricane came through and why.
Like I don’t even know how what happened. Okay, yes I do. I start getting distracted with other projects and the papers start stacking and then I get into a funk and now I have to start at square one all over again. #Ihatecycles
Because of COVID and social distancing and never going out I feel like I’m living in a timeless wormhole of daily repeats. It has become ridiculously easy to say tomorrow repeatedly and then boom it’s been a month and a bit. On the bright side of staying home is I should be able to get more done. Like that podcast I’ve been talking about doing, or the much anticipated book of my life and I definitely should have blogged more than twice in 5 weeks. It is what it is. Depression sometimes wins.
Here’s the thing though. My depression and I are in a never ending game of tennis and just because it won a game doesn’t mean it’s game over. So, here I am, this ones mine for sure. I believe that as we become aware of our shortcomings and give up on denying them we are much better at rising above.
I just want everyone out there to know whatever it is you’re going through you; you’re not going through it alone. The person home alone battling depression, the one fighting demons, the one fighting for their life, the ones stuck in an abusive situations, the one still full of shame; I have been all these things yet I’ve accomplished so much while still struggling; I want you to know giving up isn’t an option.
In a live interview yesterday with some co-authors of a book I’m a part of I was called a powerhouse. I sure didn’t feel like one as the day before I was in bed until 2pm sleeping and then spent another portion of the day crying. Then I remembered who the fuck I am. Remember who you are. I’m not perfect and never will be. I will always be a little different and do things in a way that make sense to only me but at least I’m doing them.
I am Badass because I am a powerhouse of a woman for standing up for what is right. I have ditched so much shame for years of trauma and for that I am Badass. I ask you to look into a mirror and ask yourself what makes you Badass and then don’t forget that.
Stay safe. xx Badassbon