Finding my way in this thing called life.

I have come a very long way in life in a very short time and have hit a wall. I simply chose to feel defeated and allow my thoughts to get the best of me. The opinions of others, although they shouldn’t fucking matter, often put me in a trance. Spending my whole life trying to people please has been exhausting, and I am done.

 Today is a gift, so how will I treat it like one? Well I’m here blogging again after taking a break. I didn’t even blog on my one year sobriety night. A night full of laughter and tears, friends and family, and most importantly a feeling of a tribe. I have been reflecting since this night. 

I am far from perfect, and I am done battling with my teenagers. Yes I want to shield them from bad mistakes and peer pressure because I did everything a teenager should not do. I want the best for my children, but in doing so I was pushing them away. They may have my DNA but they may not make my same mistakes, and so I back off to allow them to find their way with some guidance but not me pushing them in the direction I want for them. I realize I put pressure on my children to be better, and pressure is a lot for an adult let alone a teenager. I would not wish to be a teenager again lol. Doing is better than telling, and so I will do better as a parent. Welcome swear jar!!! Can’t expect them not to swear if I swear. 

Fighting with a spouse is always hard. Then throw in the teenagers fighting with the step parent and there’s chaos. My home is no longer a battle ground. Respect is received when given. Easy task here. All we needed was to communicate. Holy shit hey that easy. Also, no communicating until the anger has subsided. 

Health is what really kicked me down this time. When my physical health is poor my mental health is poor, and I end up in a cycle of binge eating and bouts of depression. This is hard work, but comes down to desire and excuses. I dont desire to be overweight and so I need to stop making fucking excuses. I have so far been two weeks of healthy eating, and making choices that make me feel good. 

Friendship and family are never the same.  As I grow up I find myself losing people in my life but gaining friendships that make me strive to be better. I have high hopes of seeing my Dad more, and meeting more family, and a desire to be included in other family members lives, but have come to terms with that not being my truth. Im a pretty badass survivor and I am here for a reason, and that reason is not to sulk about my shit. I’m ready to shine, and be a change maker.

Stay tuned, because this shit isn’t a game. It is my life, and each day I wake up sober is a gift to do something better. 

One year reflection.

Tomorrow I have been sober one year. In this year I have lost 20 lbs and gained 50, fought and made up with my children on too many occasions, learnt how to stick to my “guns” as a parent and stop giving in, let go of friends who trigger me or are no longer on the same path as me, made lifelong friends who are the first people I call when I am having a shitty day, and have come out with most of the shame that has tied me down in life. I have fallen in love with my husband all over again, but in a way only a sober person can. I have stopped being a doormat in life, and I stand up for my opinions and values. 

I have not figured everything out yet, and I fucking doubt I or anyone else will, but I have been learning how to not be a shitty person. I have learnt that shame keeps people sick, and in some cases gives people a reason to “escape”. I no longer choose to numb myself and keep secrets that shame me. Especially when the shame is not mine to keep. The shame associated to my abuse is all on them.

Learning to wake up and try again is what matters. I do not have my business where I want it, and I still have feelings around rejection, but I AM not giving up. I continue to stay sober and give life my all because some people don’t have the guts to or the life to anymore. I have lost two very important people in a year, and they along with my kids are my why. Why I get up and fight the war on shame. Why I choose to let my light shine bright without pissing it out with booze. Why I get through life the hard way, but the worthwhile way. Being sober has been one of the hardest yet easiest things I’ve ever done. When you choose to live sober because you love life there is no going back. Not for me anyways. 

So yay me! Fuck yea!!!!! To all of you that are in my tribe I fucking love you all!!! I have never had true friends like I do now. Ones who hang out with me because they genuinely enjoy my company. Ones who rsvp and support me in things they know I need supporting in. My new found family, and the few who have chosen to stay my family. Thank you. 

Not only does it take a village to raise a child it takes a tribe to keep oneself happy and sober. 


Connection and Growth

Over this last long weekend I reunited with my biological father. I have known I was adopted since I was very young, but only remember meeting my real Dad once before I was a teenager. I never looked hard to find him because I was always afraid he would turn me away. I grew up being told my Dad left before I was born because he didn’t want me. I was always afraid if I found him he would not want anything to do with me. I also thought maybe he had another family and other kids, so why should I just show up. I found my Dad’s phone number a few times over the years and could never gain the courage to call him, so I would pass the number on to my mom and tell her that if it is him I want him in my life. Well, years passed and nothing. 

Over the course of this past year I have stopped drinking and using hard drugs, started volunteering in my sons elementary school to be more hands on, began conversating with my teenagers and generally having an interest in their lives, gained respect for myself, spoke my mind when I was scared shitless to, owned my mistakes, made new friends, lost old friends, lost my only brother (Eddie I fucking miss you!), made more mistakes than I would like to admit, spoke on a stage and inspired change and gave hope, ended a cycle, began a cycle, lost weight, gained more weight, fell more in love with my husband, disowned my mother, ended all communication and relationship with my step-father (my molester), filed a police report on him (because what he did was wrong), and began to feel every emotion known to man! Then to top it off I found my REAL Father, met him, hugged him, bonded with him, and asked questions I didn’t know I had until I was face to face with him.

I am so pained in this great happiness of my life because my Dad lived with me until I was 2. He did love me, but my Mom found a man with money and saw her meal ticket. I got dragged along for the ride. 

I found my connection in my Dad, and I am so proud to be his Daughter. I can’t wait to meet the rest of my family, and finally feel wanted. 

My growth over this past weekend was undeniable. I communicated through a panic attack, and stood up and spoke my feelings for the first time. I am in charge of me! No one can break me down if I don’t let them. 

I am grateful to be alive, and loved by those who choose to be in my life. I am super grateful I found my Dad.

I am only human, and a misunderstood one at that.

Let me introduce you to myself the best I can, but first let me apologize for my recently deleted blog post. Although, I did not use names I hurt the people who I thought hurt me. Guess what? Miscommunication. I said I wanted to stay in my room the whole weekend and order room service. So it’s my fault I wasn’t included as much as I wanted to be, and I did have some enjoyable time with everyone leading up to the Gala. Also, if I didn’t want to be laughed at with me I shouldn’t have laughed at myself in the first place. 

We are human, and we fuck up because it is in our nature. I have lost out on some people being in my life now, and I am okay with that. Ive lost more people than I would like to admit. 

So what lesson did I learn? Well to communicate and be honest, and not expect so much. I need to learn to stand on my own two feet, and not rely on others to hold my hand. Honestly, that was my problem. I have always relied on someone to include me because I get so much anxiety about being rejected, and in that Gala I felt so rejected. That is no ones problem but my own. 

I have been to many galas, and even had lunch with Jim Treveling and George Melville. The reason I can feel confident with those people and some major events is because of my Grandma Lucille Johnstone. I’m instantly important in that world because I’m her granddaughter, and she was one of the most important woman in Vancouver history. That tugboat your kids play on in YVR airport called the Lucille that is in honour of my grandma and the work she has done for YVR. Her work there is only a small percentage of what she has done too. So, you put me in a room full of strangers and no connection and I shut down. 

Let me explain why. My mother always told me that I only had the financial ups in this life because she married into this family. She always told me she could take me out of this world because she brought me in. She gave up her handicap son because she couldn’t handle him, but she told me she gave him up because of me. I should be thankful she chose me. She broke all self esteem I was intended to have in this world by making me feel unwanted. She would tell me my real dad left before I was born because he never wanted me. So I was the reason he left her. My shame of ruining her life still stings. I met my real dad yesterday, and guess what? He lived with me until I was 2!!!!  

My step dad, he really made me feel I cannot count on anyone. I don’t remember when he started molesting me, but I know I remember he was when I was in grade 1. I was a sexual tool. Then when I would cry at school I got bullied. More shame and more untrust in the world. So I turned to alcohol, drugs, and the wrong crowd. Dropped out at 14, and headed nowhere fast because I was not worthy.

Then the last piece of the puzzle that had me believing so little of myself. My ex. 8 years of being beaten, punched, kicked, and told I was nothing but a pig. Ive been spat huge loogies in my face while being told I’m ugly. Sleeping with a machete under his pillow instilled fear in me I only remember from my childhood. He would tell me I am ugly like my mother, and that he had a feeling I was screwing my step dad. Even though I never have, people were picking up the vibe of secret holding. The only thing is the secret I was hiding was not mine to hide. The minute my son was born my ex said he’s not mine. No ride to the hospital and no ride home from him. My trust in the world had been completely broken. 

So, I spent 3 years trying to wither away. Partying is all I did, and I tried to muster up the courage to end my life. For some reason I never could. The best I did was carve FML on my arm. I married my husband and was being called a silverback gorilla by some and shamed on a nasty website saying I am a ugly chug with monster kids and I’m a loser.

So, lets get to now. I am one year sober October 16 and quit smoking cigarettes 4 months ago. I have a wonderful marriage, and my kids are getting better now that their mom is healthy. They were not the monsters….. I was…. 

I cannot take back what I said in my previous blog, but I can say I am sorry a million times over. I have lost some new connections, and may have even damaged my career, but you know what I do know? I am human, and for someone who raised herself I think I did ok. I make mistakes, and talk before I think, and I assume a lot, but I am learning. Please do not shame me for trying. 

“If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid” -Epictetus

Well I’m still here aren’t I? I’m improving! I made it through Vegas without drinking! I had some major takeaways, and I know my limits now. I know not to rely on others, and cannot expect others to get me through life. I am enough, and I am strong as fuck! 

Living with PTSD is not a glamourous journey, and feeling that I do not belong is just my mind but this is my reality. 

“If you want to do something truly great, you’ll have to accept that some people are going to think you’re delusional or an idiot or self-righteous” -Gary John Bishop from Unf*ck Yourself

So this is me, and I am here to stay. If I hurt your feelings I apologize, sometimes my feelings overtake me. I am an aspiring speaker and author, and I am fighting the war on shame! I have endured limitless abuse, and I am here to hold your hand. I can offer guidance and support, but most of all I can relate. 

Now back to visiting my Dad, finally I can say Dad and not feel any shame. My blood, and let me tell you he is pretty kick ass!!! 
My grandma is one of my guardian angels and I am not giving up because of her. 

“I can! I must! I will!” -Lucille Johnstone Nov 11, 1924 – Dec 31, 2004