Let me introduce you to myself the best I can, but first let me apologize for my recently deleted blog post. Although, I did not use names I hurt the people who I thought hurt me. Guess what? Miscommunication. I said I wanted to stay in my room the whole weekend and order room service. So it’s my fault I wasn’t included as much as I wanted to be, and I did have some enjoyable time with everyone leading up to the Gala. Also, if I didn’t want to be laughed at with me I shouldn’t have laughed at myself in the first place.
We are human, and we fuck up because it is in our nature. I have lost out on some people being in my life now, and I am okay with that. Ive lost more people than I would like to admit.
So what lesson did I learn? Well to communicate and be honest, and not expect so much. I need to learn to stand on my own two feet, and not rely on others to hold my hand. Honestly, that was my problem. I have always relied on someone to include me because I get so much anxiety about being rejected, and in that Gala I felt so rejected. That is no ones problem but my own.
I have been to many galas, and even had lunch with Jim Treveling and George Melville. The reason I can feel confident with those people and some major events is because of my Grandma Lucille Johnstone. I’m instantly important in that world because I’m her granddaughter, and she was one of the most important woman in Vancouver history. That tugboat your kids play on in YVR airport called the Lucille that is in honour of my grandma and the work she has done for YVR. Her work there is only a small percentage of what she has done too. So, you put me in a room full of strangers and no connection and I shut down.
Let me explain why. My mother always told me that I only had the financial ups in this life because she married into this family. She always told me she could take me out of this world because she brought me in. She gave up her handicap son because she couldn’t handle him, but she told me she gave him up because of me. I should be thankful she chose me. She broke all self esteem I was intended to have in this world by making me feel unwanted. She would tell me my real dad left before I was born because he never wanted me. So I was the reason he left her. My shame of ruining her life still stings. I met my real dad yesterday, and guess what? He lived with me until I was 2!!!!
My step dad, he really made me feel I cannot count on anyone. I don’t remember when he started molesting me, but I know I remember he was when I was in grade 1. I was a sexual tool. Then when I would cry at school I got bullied. More shame and more untrust in the world. So I turned to alcohol, drugs, and the wrong crowd. Dropped out at 14, and headed nowhere fast because I was not worthy.
Then the last piece of the puzzle that had me believing so little of myself. My ex. 8 years of being beaten, punched, kicked, and told I was nothing but a pig. Ive been spat huge loogies in my face while being told I’m ugly. Sleeping with a machete under his pillow instilled fear in me I only remember from my childhood. He would tell me I am ugly like my mother, and that he had a feeling I was screwing my step dad. Even though I never have, people were picking up the vibe of secret holding. The only thing is the secret I was hiding was not mine to hide. The minute my son was born my ex said he’s not mine. No ride to the hospital and no ride home from him. My trust in the world had been completely broken.
So, I spent 3 years trying to wither away. Partying is all I did, and I tried to muster up the courage to end my life. For some reason I never could. The best I did was carve FML on my arm. I married my husband and was being called a silverback gorilla by some and shamed on a nasty website saying I am a ugly chug with monster kids and I’m a loser.
So, lets get to now. I am one year sober October 16 and quit smoking cigarettes 4 months ago. I have a wonderful marriage, and my kids are getting better now that their mom is healthy. They were not the monsters….. I was….
I cannot take back what I said in my previous blog, but I can say I am sorry a million times over. I have lost some new connections, and may have even damaged my career, but you know what I do know? I am human, and for someone who raised herself I think I did ok. I make mistakes, and talk before I think, and I assume a lot, but I am learning. Please do not shame me for trying.
“If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid” -Epictetus
Well I’m still here aren’t I? I’m improving! I made it through Vegas without drinking! I had some major takeaways, and I know my limits now. I know not to rely on others, and cannot expect others to get me through life. I am enough, and I am strong as fuck!
Living with PTSD is not a glamourous journey, and feeling that I do not belong is just my mind but this is my reality.
“If you want to do something truly great, you’ll have to accept that some people are going to think you’re delusional or an idiot or self-righteous” -Gary John Bishop from Unf*ck Yourself
So this is me, and I am here to stay. If I hurt your feelings I apologize, sometimes my feelings overtake me. I am an aspiring speaker and author, and I am fighting the war on shame! I have endured limitless abuse, and I am here to hold your hand. I can offer guidance and support, but most of all I can relate.
Now back to visiting my Dad, finally I can say Dad and not feel any shame. My blood, and let me tell you he is pretty kick ass!!!
My grandma is one of my guardian angels and I am not giving up because of her.
“I can! I must! I will!” -Lucille Johnstone Nov 11, 1924 – Dec 31, 2004