Rough waters ahead

Navigating life is not at all easy. Thank goodness I have a strong stomach for all these ups and downs. The uneasy feelings, the tired days, the sleepless nights, never ending amounts of work and don’t forget the emotional breakdowns.

I really have a hard time navigating through todays life I have created. Although I know my worthiness I am sometimes left struggling with the ideas of other peoples idea of my worthiness.

Here’s an example.

I met this woman on the carnival and although she was way cooler than I was we had mutual friends. We became acquaintances. Much later in life we had children in preschool together. By now I was living in the “good” neighbourhood and classified as middle class, but I am still me and rough around the edges, am native, loud and probably inappropriate at times. We chat most every day at the school, probably to be nice I suppose, and we get talking about baseball. Sweet, I used to play first base sign me up!! She says ya, add me up on fb and lets do this. Hah! Jokes on me. I send a friend request and later a message after no acceptance accepted. After some time I withdraw my request and go on like I do. Years later, she asked a dear friend of mine who I’ve known for well over twenty years about me. Of course my friend said how cool I am, because lets be real I am fucking fabulous, and this person thought maybe I was just some skid. Trust me, no offence taken! I am so used to these stereo types. I’m native I get it all the time. From being assumed of being a drunk to a stinky carnie. All good. Fast forward, she sent me a request and I accepted because I’m an accepting type of person. Acceptance is all I have ever wanted.

The reason why I even brought up this story is proof that people judge and assume all the time, but to our face they pretend. On the other hand, there are people who don’t pretend at all! Here’s an example of this.

Last year we moved and were all of a sudden faced with making a choice. To apply to stay in catchment at the school William has been in since Kindergarten, move to our new catchment, or apply for the Fine Arts School. As much as I LOVE the school we always knew because William had friends and so did I. I didn’t want to be faced with a denial after many approvals. There was no guarantee we would be accepted every year and I would have hated to see us have to leave after bonding for so many years, imagine if we had to leave in his last year there before middle school. That would have been devastating. We were accepted into the Fine Arts School halfway through the school year which was a blessing because he loves art and can be found drawing almost always. Boy was I in for a surprise. The moms at the new school were not at all as accepting as the old school. I even introduced myself one morning to be completely shunned and have backs turned on me. Uhhhm okay, cool your loss. William no longer has a group of amazing friends and the mom group at the old school has fizzled out of my life as well.

So I do I what I do best. I write, I create and I inspire. Sometimes though I get damn lonely. People come and go and I have come to realize when asked to help or to attend an event I am always ready to go. People pleasing is tiring!

Currently I am focusing much of my time on a fundraiser I am hosting with a great friend and man is it tough!!! Do you know how hard it is to sell tickets? Especially when people say yes, but end up ignoring you. Want to know who your real friends are? Host a fundraiser lol! There’s the people who you support but would rather ignore you than support you or respectively say no. There’s the people who will continue to ask you for stuff, I call these people askholes, because you always say yes. These kind of people will always be there. Learn to say no.

Navigating through this new life is tough work. Being a business owner is tough work! But being strong enough to set boundaries and sticking to them has been the toughest to date. I declare that I will no longer put my neck out for someone that wont do the same for me, that I will continue to be a Badass and inspire change but will start putting myself first. I refuse to allow people who think they are better than me manipulate my feelings and make me feel unworthy. I AM WORTHY!

There’s a saying that it’s better to have 4 quarters than 100 pennies. This is so true! I mean my pockets would be full with all those pennies I would have to drag around. 4 quarters would be easier, less stressful, easier to deal with etc.

I move forward today ready to kick some serious ass (my own) and start moving forward with my goals. I will nurture the relationships I have made and mean everything to me and I will avoid watering the weeds.

Lastly, I would like to add I once was a judgemental asshole. Then when I started this new career path I realized I would be judged. I was essentially coming from the wrong side of the life tracks and attempting to be accepted by people who had established their lives. When this happened I really worked on the judgment factor and changed who I was. I am no longer that thug tough chick I once was. I may have a trucker mouth on occasion but all in all I am a pretty respectable person. Just remember the next time you’re judging someone ask yourself how it would feel being in their shoes. Ask yourself if you know the story they have lived? Everyone has a story. So instead of judging them ask them about themselves. You will be amazed what us humans are capable of living through and overcoming.

XX Badass Bon

Stop giving your power away

I spent 8 long years trying to make a destructive relationship work. I walked away with my head hanging low and severely low self worth. I also walked away with an amazing little boy who thinks I am a hero. A lot of people say things like; why did you stay so long, why didn’t you JUST leave, why did you give him your power…. you get the idea. I was a strong woman when I met this man, but had absolutely no healing done from my childhood of sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I was loud, rambunctious and full of life ready and willing to be the center of attention at any party. I was known as always being fun to party with and keeping one going until the wee mornings. I was actually very tired from all the partying when I met this man so I was willing to give it all up for the one and “settle down,” boy was I in for a roller coaster ride.

I will admit I gave too much of myself in the beginning. Dropped all my friends and gave every spare minute I had to him. Soon I was head over heels in love, and he said he loved me too. Once I was all in the abuse started. A beating here, a spit in my face there, snarky comments and seclusion from everyone but him. I don’t want to go into full detail on what I endured but give you a picture of how severe this relationship was. By the time I left the relationship I had completely become someone different. Still loud, but not nearly as often. Afraid of how stupid people would think my ideas and opinions were. I rarely spoke up and if I did it was to one or two people and behind closed doors. I even remember starting a blog, but after my first post I said nope not doing that again….. way to vulnerable for me, and people probably wouldn’t read it anyways. I’m just a dumb Indian that no one cares about. Just another statistic.

It took me 5 months to open a new fb account. Even though I was free of him he still controlled me. I was so scared that he would see my account and reign hell on me. His voice was with me everywhere I went “you’re ugly like your mom”, “you’ll never find someone like me” and “you’re a pig.” Everything I did I did with tremendous fear. Going out into public scared the living shit out of me. I thought everyone was looking at me and knew how disgusting I was. I assumed people were laughing at me and knew I was a complete failure.

Fast forward to today. It has been over 13 years since I met that man, and I am taking a stand. No fucking more! Not just to him but anyone that makes me feel less than I know I am. My value is high in this world.

I had this epiphany last weekend when yet again we were being keyboard warriors arguing through text about how he will withhold child support because I withhold our child. Let me please point out I do not enjoy holding our child hostage. It hurts me a great deal watching my son cry for his Dad he misses so much, but someone needs to be the adult and that person is me. When it comes to the safety of my child I have to make the hard decisions about what is safe and what is considered proper parenting. When your “sober” when you see your child but using extremely unsafe drugs and participating in scary behaviour it is my duty as his Mother to make sure he never becomes collateral damage. Supervised visits are few and far between but that is not my issue. What I can do is enforce my own love to our child tenfold so he knows just how special he is. He has no shortage of love.

But, this isn’t about our child or my parenting. It is what happens when we argue that is the topic. After I argue with him I go into a funk. My boyfriend knows what’s up and it impacts our relationship which is a huge no no in my book! Do you allow other relationships to pour into your life like poison? That is what it really is. POISON. Do I need to engage? No. Do I need to remind him of his shortcomings? No. Do I need to put him down because he angers me? Fuck no. So why do I then? Repeated behaviours, cycles and not being aware of my emotions. So take a step back. Is it hard to not involve myself in this anymore? Absolutely not!

It comes down to boundaries. These need to be put into place to ensure success. Blocking his number and having a third person do the communication; this is also important because now the communication is only pertaining to details of visits and the child. Sticking to my guns. This is a hard one. I used to give in all the time, but as I have become stronger in my own recovery (how that looks for me) and have a clear idea on what is acceptable and not acceptable. Putting a rule into place means sticking to that rule!! NO MATTER WHAT!!!! Doing these steps allows me to breathe and fully move on in life, and not be subject to any outrages or comments made out of anger. I don’t need to be told I am a bad mom because I am not. I may have made some poor choices in the past as a mom, but that is the past, something that can not be undone, and I live in the present planning for the future.

So I leave you with this. Brene Brown said this “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we disappoint others.”

XX Badass Bon

Being your own worst critic

I had friends as a child, but not many. I felt different. Maybe it was the colour of my skin, the fact I was adopted into my family with my Mother, possibly it was because I had to put on a brave face knowing that being touched was not normal. I screamed out for attention, for someone to stop it, for someone to take me away. I felt different and I didn’t like it.

Into my teen years I wasn’t the popular kid but my personality wanted that popularity. I remember going to school in grade 7 or 8 wearing a bra and another girl pointing to me and saying “why are you wearing that? You don’t need it” the thing is I did. I didn’t want my small bust to be seen. I didn’t want to be different. I wanted to be beautiful. I had enough of school and trying to fit in, so I dropped out at 14 and no one cared.

I started to find people that thought I was cool. High school drop outs, drinkers and drug users, drug dealers and people much older than me. I found my place, or so I thought, in a world of dysfunctional people. By 15 I was having sex with anyone who I thought was the one and who could possibly be the person to save me from this miserable world. Selling drugs and doing illegal activities navigating a life of crime became my norm. I found another group of people that accepted me as I was, broken and damaged, in the carnival. I travelled with them for many years. Just another title to be added to the list; Carnie.

The thing was, I had come from a wealthy family. I lived in a mansion. I was given whatever I asked for. By 23 I was driving a $50,000 truck pulling my house trailer with my small family I had started. I had my children with a man 14 years older than me thinking I hit the jackpot. He was not my type, but he spoiled me and loved me; that’s all that matters right? To be loved? I had no idea my opinions mattered, and I certainly didn’t think anyone else would love me so I settled. The relationship was short lived and being a single mom became my new title.

What happened next was what started my downward spiral in life. I found I was good at playing poker, snorting cocaine and partying hard!! I lived a fast and hard life with no dreams or goals. When I changed my life around I assumed because of my past I had no right being equals to people with a life of value. I was the scum of the Earth in my eyes.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I’m a people person. I can be in a room and people gravitate towards me. Why couldn’t this be the case when I was younger? I had no idea what mindset could do. I was stuck in my victim hoodie wrapped tight not allowing anyone truly into my life. I hid the abuse from people because I was sick of being judged. So I continued my life thinking my people were addicts, drug dealers and people with no drive in life. I never imagined people who had houses, jobs and families would actually like me once they knew what kind of life I lead.

This past weekend was one of great aha moments. I was embraced once again by a community of women with one common desire; to change the world with our stories. That although our stories are similar or completely not we all matter and when we share we learn, and when we learn we grow. We really are the sum of the 5 people we hang out with the most, so I really needed to evaluate those I surround myself with. I am determined now more than ever to grow my business, make a difference in the world and leave a legacy. Tomorrow is not promised and when I am no longer here I want to be remembered as the woman who gave people their voices back.

Mindset is a wonderful thing! Let me elaborate, as you may be sitting there thinking this is all hogwash bullshit. When I started dating my now boyfriend we couldn’t spend the night together because he wakes up at stupid o’clock (430am) and I snore like a freight train and stop breathing on average 270+ times a night. Yes I have sever sleep apnea. Well, I told him I can get the machine, but I already tried it “I simply cannot wear the mask through the night!” I was actually wearing my victim hoodie again. I cant sleep at night because I have nightmares (I do), I can’t wear the mask because I feel someone is strangling me (I did), I can’t go to bed early because I am scared of the night (Iam) see the connections…. I CANT I CANT I CANT!!! Well he started spending the night with me and making me feel safe making sure I kept the mask on, and 5 months later I can say I do wear the mask and actually choose to not skip a night without it. I go to bed with him because I want to. I rarely have nightmares and if I do I choose to cuddle up next to him to feel safe. Instead of I can’t I choose and I do.

I have also taken off that victim hoodie and burned the darn thing! We are not our trauma, however we are what we choose to do about it. Yea I got dealt some pretty shitty cards, but I don’t want to dwell on it. I will talk about it because I believe sharing our stories help others, but instead of as a victim I share as a survivor thriving in todays world! I have friends who give meaning to my life and fill my cup with love.

Are your friends filling your cup or draining it? When you surround yourself with the right people you start to believe in yourself. When you visualize your success you start acting on it, and when you change how you talk you begin to live differently. Instead of saying I can’t next time say I can. The next time you want to make an excuse choose not to.

I leave you with that today and I know if I can change so can you!

XX Badass Bon