Midday thoughts

Often I sit and wonder about things and that is exactly how each one of my blog posts become. Reason #1 why sometimes I will go a week or more without writing. Life is busy, and as a single mom trying to just make it through the day it is hard. Actually let me rephrase that! AS A MOM LIFE IS HARD!! Single moms, married moms, all moms!! We ensure the life of our littles on top of our own lives. Pretty badass if you ask me!

Today I am working as a caretaker for an elderly lady who fell down the stairs and broke her clavicle. She speaks very little English, yet we are communicating through one word questions/answers and my own made up sign language. It makes me think how amazing we are as humans when we just need to figure it out. We do that often don’t we? Figure shit out.

I am figuring out how I am on the fence with communication. Sometimes I freaking rock at it and sometimes I absolutely suck at it and should go back to coaching lessons on how to spit out what I need to. I mean let’s be real. I’ve fallen for someone who probably has no flipping clue hahaha, but that’s okay. Half the battle is acknowledging my own faults. Does this mean I am going to go tell him? Ya no! BUT!! It does mean communication is something I will be working on in the coming months.

Have you ever just yelled at someone instead of saying “I’m really upset right now, this is why, this is how I feel, and how do you feel about this?” Yea me either. For example, I have a teen daughter and it’s like fighting with a miniature version of myself which let me tell you is karma through and through. I am learning to take a step back in every situation that involves my communicating and thinking before speaking. Next I will work on communicating when I really really don’t want to!

Sitting here also has me thinking about getting older. This woman I am caretaking is 88 years old! EIGHTY-EIGHT!!! I bet she has some stories to tell, and if I understood Polish I would most definitely be picking her brain to tell them to me. I find it fascinating to hear others stories. How they moved here to Canada, how their countries are different and how they adjusted to life here. I am intrigued in people in general. Just like people are interested in my stories of overcoming some of the most horrific things a person could go through and how I got to where I am now.

Now this whole aging thing. It’s like I don’t really think about it. I feel super young and let’s be real I look pretty young. I feel like I have many years ahead of me which I quite possibly might, but nothing is promised in life. Also, who knows how my body will treat me in the future. So it has me thinking! I spend way too much time watching TV! I spend way too much time arguing! And I spend way too much time overthinking!! So this stops today! I don’t want regrets when I am older.

I challenge you to cross something off your list! What list you ask!? You know the one!! The one where you’ll get around to it, the one you’ll do when you’ve lost more weight, the one you’re waiting for when your kids are a bit older! Yea! That list! Do it now, because you are alive and here for a reason and being happy is one of them, so please do what makes you happy.

XX Badass Bon

Don’t think. DO!

Here I am; 100% authentic, vulnerable, proud and confident.

Tonight I danced in my first Army of Sass dance class and I loved it! What is Army of Sass you ask. It is a heel based dance class for women to unite and be confident together. It is two hours of drills and choreography where we sweat, laugh and enjoy being women. Let me tell you I feel like my ass was handed to me. As I sit here I can still feel the burn in my arms and legs, but it is a welcome burn because it is time to get my butt in gear. I have struggled with my weight for far too many years and am taking a stand to no longer have my weight stop me from doing what I love to do. DANCE! I actually danced as a kid into my teen years and have always held dancing close to my heart.

Walking into tonight’s class took about as much confidence needed as I needed to enter the Miss BC pageant this past summer, and well we know how well that turned out. As British Columbias two title holder I would say my confidence has helped me in more ways than one. The thing is; confidence wasn’t something I always had. I actually never liked how I looked until about a year ago. From early on I always thought I was different. Guess what!? I am different and that is a good thing. We are all different and special in our own ways, and my super power is coming out on top.

I was asked once “why are you doing the pageant; aren’t they for skinny pretty girls?” Well well well. That was this one persons opinion and if I went through life any longer based on others opinions of me I would not be where I am today. Nope I am not a size 2 and most likely never will be, but I am a beautiful wonderful person. So like a friend used to say to me “if not now when?” Tonight! Thats when! So I walked into that class after not dancing for 20 years and had fun! Because at the end of the day thats what it is all about, and fun was had!

So the next time you want to do something but think maybe next time, or when I lose weight, or when I feel better about myself I say to you GO FOR IT!! Your here on borrowed time, so take the chance and take the dance class, or whatever it is you want to do but think you will just wait on it. Let’s teach our kids to own who we are and what we offer. Because confidence can be learnt I promise you this.

And so I leave you with this

“Courage is contagious. Every time we choose courage, we make everyone around us a little better and the world a little braver” Brené Brown

Traumatic events give us perspective

I can’t even remember the last time I wrote. Avoidance is my coping mechanism. I easily move onto other projects and put on a brave face and “keep busy” but writing makes me happy. Writing is also acceptance. I write truth and sometimes I don’t want to deal with truth; like adulting, I just want to coast through tough times and start again. So this is me starting again. Not over because I will never start from the beginning, instead I pick back up where I left off and move forward. Even if I took some steps back I have the choice to go in the direction I want.

This post might be one of the hardest I have written to date.

I have this friend Mike. He is pretty amazing! He tells me how it is in a way only he can in a way that makes me listen. I respect this man and have come to call him one of my best friends, and if you know me you know I have many best friends. We talk many times a week and tell each other we love one another in a way that is strictly platonic. He doesn’t beat around the bush and has no problem telling me my weight worries him (he lost like 100 lbs and cares about my life). He is also my relationship therapist, during a time I was allowing a guy to play games with my head he would jokingly say “one minute Bonnie, I have another call. It’s Bonnie from last week” he is always there when I need him. He came camping with my family and I last week and he told me he loved all of my friends. He also said something that meant a lot to me, he said “Bonnie, your friends are cool and I actually respect you as a person more by the company you keep.”

You are the sum of those you surround yourself with!!

Now let’s move to Jenn. I don’t know Jenn like I know Mike but she is his friend and I can say now she is one of mine too. Mike invited her camping with us and although I had met her a handful of times before we got to bond over campfire and drinks. This woman is BADASS. She is gentle, adorable, determined and motivated. Like Mike she lost an incredible amount of weight. I look at her with complete respect and admiration for her journey. Like Mike I consider her another lifelong friend.

You might wonder why I am blogging about these two people you have never met and have no idea where I am going with this post, but you also can’t stop reading because you know I write good content and you are intrigued as to where this is going. Don’t worry we are getting there soon. I needed to explain who these two are before I get into the thick of it.

This past Sunday September 1st Mike called me and invited me to go quadding. “Come on Bonnie. Jenn is on her way too! Exit 183 hard left. Call me when your here.” This was Mike’s way of saying you’re coming and I will not take no for an answer. Ok ok ok. I am on my way. Who doesn’t enjoy a day of riding in the mountains without a care in the world, wind blowing in my hair and emptying the mind of all responsibilities.

Let’s fast forward to 10:30pm. The 4 of us are riding down the mountain and meet at the end of the trail. We both turn right onto the road. Mike is a bit of a free spirited daredevil and he rides off into the night like a bat out of hell. The guy I’m riding with yells that we have to drive slow because we are on road driving a off road vehicle. We near the last corner before our camp and Mike is nowhere to be seen. As the corner almost ends we stop and time stops when the tires stop. The quad is down an embankment still running, smoking away, but my friends are nowhere to be seen. This may seem utterly stupid to you but my first thought was where are they? Why wouldn’t they stand and wait on the road for us. Did they walk away? They were only 30 seconds ahead of us, if that!

I turn my cell phone flashlight on and start scanning for them. I’m not going to go into detail here but they were 20 feet from the quad. One shoe off each. Not moving. Still. Face first and upside down.

It was the day after that I replayed these moments over and over again in my head beating myself up for my lack of ability to properly deal with this situation.

Any normal person would have called 911 RIGHT THEN AND THERE! Not me though. I felt myself leave my body. I yelled at the guy as he went down to assess the situation “what do I do?” He panicked. He told me to get on the quad, he drove me to my car and told me to go back and call 911. I was sober. He was not. He cared about himself and his own well being and put it all on me. I am only thankful for him telling me what to do for what I was experiencing is called dissociation. I was back at the scene within 60 seconds and on the phone with 911 immediately. I then kept telling the dispatcher he needed to tell me what to do. Check for breathing. Don’t touch them. Ask them if they can move. Can they breathe. Are there visible injuries and so forth.

So lets fast forward again. My friends are alive. Banged up very badly, but alive. Mike almost died. That night and again in the hospital days later. Excuse my French but I told him “you are not allowed to fucking die on me!” These two are warriors! They are fighters. They are two of my favourite people in the world.

Now the reason for sharing this experience with you is because as I sat at home that night replaying the night and dissecting it I remembered a time about 14 years ago. I was at a creek and my oldest son was standing in the water. He went face first into the water and my Aunt jumped up and grabbed him. ME? I JUST STARED AT THE SITUATION. I look back and think wtf is wrong with me. I literally left my body and didn’t flinch. I must be a terrible Mother. I must not have the Mothering gene in me. How can one just leave their body during traumatic experiences. Then I started to beat myself up inside. Why didn’t I call 911 right then and there!? Would that 2 minutes have made a difference?

I’ve talked to some people about this and my therapist knows too. I dissociate from traumatic experiences. There is no other explanation for this. For someone who has not experienced trauma they would automatically know what to do and take the situation into their own hands. Me, not so much. It’s like the time I was driving big red (my old F350 turbo diesel) down a mountain road and I slid into the snow tracks and saw we were heading for a 20 foot embankment. Instead of trying to get out of it I just let it be. I let go and let it be.

I write this because dissociation is something many of us face. Now that I see that I experience this I can start the therapy to fix it. I can accept that my brain doesn’t function like it should and I can begin to heal it in hopes one day my traumatic past wont hold me back in life. I absolutely can’t stand that I’m different in this way. It is embarrassing and upsetting. I realize that every time I was molested as a child I most likely dissociated from the experience and left. Now it is something I still do in traumatic events.

Mike and Jenn, I wish I would’ve called 911 right then and there. I wish I could have been more present in the situation. I also am so grateful you are alive. We are closer in a way no one else can be for experiencing this situation together. I love you both.

Mike said to me the other day “Bonnie, I think we met for you to be there Sunday. You saved my life.”

#lifetime

XX Badass Bon

Rough waters ahead

Navigating life is not at all easy. Thank goodness I have a strong stomach for all these ups and downs. The uneasy feelings, the tired days, the sleepless nights, never ending amounts of work and don’t forget the emotional breakdowns.

I really have a hard time navigating through todays life I have created. Although I know my worthiness I am sometimes left struggling with the ideas of other peoples idea of my worthiness.

Here’s an example.

I met this woman on the carnival and although she was way cooler than I was we had mutual friends. We became acquaintances. Much later in life we had children in preschool together. By now I was living in the “good” neighbourhood and classified as middle class, but I am still me and rough around the edges, am native, loud and probably inappropriate at times. We chat most every day at the school, probably to be nice I suppose, and we get talking about baseball. Sweet, I used to play first base sign me up!! She says ya, add me up on fb and lets do this. Hah! Jokes on me. I send a friend request and later a message after no acceptance accepted. After some time I withdraw my request and go on like I do. Years later, she asked a dear friend of mine who I’ve known for well over twenty years about me. Of course my friend said how cool I am, because lets be real I am fucking fabulous, and this person thought maybe I was just some skid. Trust me, no offence taken! I am so used to these stereo types. I’m native I get it all the time. From being assumed of being a drunk to a stinky carnie. All good. Fast forward, she sent me a request and I accepted because I’m an accepting type of person. Acceptance is all I have ever wanted.

The reason why I even brought up this story is proof that people judge and assume all the time, but to our face they pretend. On the other hand, there are people who don’t pretend at all! Here’s an example of this.

Last year we moved and were all of a sudden faced with making a choice. To apply to stay in catchment at the school William has been in since Kindergarten, move to our new catchment, or apply for the Fine Arts School. As much as I LOVE the school we always knew because William had friends and so did I. I didn’t want to be faced with a denial after many approvals. There was no guarantee we would be accepted every year and I would have hated to see us have to leave after bonding for so many years, imagine if we had to leave in his last year there before middle school. That would have been devastating. We were accepted into the Fine Arts School halfway through the school year which was a blessing because he loves art and can be found drawing almost always. Boy was I in for a surprise. The moms at the new school were not at all as accepting as the old school. I even introduced myself one morning to be completely shunned and have backs turned on me. Uhhhm okay, cool your loss. William no longer has a group of amazing friends and the mom group at the old school has fizzled out of my life as well.

So I do I what I do best. I write, I create and I inspire. Sometimes though I get damn lonely. People come and go and I have come to realize when asked to help or to attend an event I am always ready to go. People pleasing is tiring!

Currently I am focusing much of my time on a fundraiser I am hosting with a great friend and man is it tough!!! Do you know how hard it is to sell tickets? Especially when people say yes, but end up ignoring you. Want to know who your real friends are? Host a fundraiser lol! There’s the people who you support but would rather ignore you than support you or respectively say no. There’s the people who will continue to ask you for stuff, I call these people askholes, because you always say yes. These kind of people will always be there. Learn to say no.

Navigating through this new life is tough work. Being a business owner is tough work! But being strong enough to set boundaries and sticking to them has been the toughest to date. I declare that I will no longer put my neck out for someone that wont do the same for me, that I will continue to be a Badass and inspire change but will start putting myself first. I refuse to allow people who think they are better than me manipulate my feelings and make me feel unworthy. I AM WORTHY!

There’s a saying that it’s better to have 4 quarters than 100 pennies. This is so true! I mean my pockets would be full with all those pennies I would have to drag around. 4 quarters would be easier, less stressful, easier to deal with etc.

I move forward today ready to kick some serious ass (my own) and start moving forward with my goals. I will nurture the relationships I have made and mean everything to me and I will avoid watering the weeds.

Lastly, I would like to add I once was a judgemental asshole. Then when I started this new career path I realized I would be judged. I was essentially coming from the wrong side of the life tracks and attempting to be accepted by people who had established their lives. When this happened I really worked on the judgment factor and changed who I was. I am no longer that thug tough chick I once was. I may have a trucker mouth on occasion but all in all I am a pretty respectable person. Just remember the next time you’re judging someone ask yourself how it would feel being in their shoes. Ask yourself if you know the story they have lived? Everyone has a story. So instead of judging them ask them about themselves. You will be amazed what us humans are capable of living through and overcoming.

XX Badass Bon

Being your own worst critic

I had friends as a child, but not many. I felt different. Maybe it was the colour of my skin, the fact I was adopted into my family with my Mother, possibly it was because I had to put on a brave face knowing that being touched was not normal. I screamed out for attention, for someone to stop it, for someone to take me away. I felt different and I didn’t like it.

Into my teen years I wasn’t the popular kid but my personality wanted that popularity. I remember going to school in grade 7 or 8 wearing a bra and another girl pointing to me and saying “why are you wearing that? You don’t need it” the thing is I did. I didn’t want my small bust to be seen. I didn’t want to be different. I wanted to be beautiful. I had enough of school and trying to fit in, so I dropped out at 14 and no one cared.

I started to find people that thought I was cool. High school drop outs, drinkers and drug users, drug dealers and people much older than me. I found my place, or so I thought, in a world of dysfunctional people. By 15 I was having sex with anyone who I thought was the one and who could possibly be the person to save me from this miserable world. Selling drugs and doing illegal activities navigating a life of crime became my norm. I found another group of people that accepted me as I was, broken and damaged, in the carnival. I travelled with them for many years. Just another title to be added to the list; Carnie.

The thing was, I had come from a wealthy family. I lived in a mansion. I was given whatever I asked for. By 23 I was driving a $50,000 truck pulling my house trailer with my small family I had started. I had my children with a man 14 years older than me thinking I hit the jackpot. He was not my type, but he spoiled me and loved me; that’s all that matters right? To be loved? I had no idea my opinions mattered, and I certainly didn’t think anyone else would love me so I settled. The relationship was short lived and being a single mom became my new title.

What happened next was what started my downward spiral in life. I found I was good at playing poker, snorting cocaine and partying hard!! I lived a fast and hard life with no dreams or goals. When I changed my life around I assumed because of my past I had no right being equals to people with a life of value. I was the scum of the Earth in my eyes.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I’m a people person. I can be in a room and people gravitate towards me. Why couldn’t this be the case when I was younger? I had no idea what mindset could do. I was stuck in my victim hoodie wrapped tight not allowing anyone truly into my life. I hid the abuse from people because I was sick of being judged. So I continued my life thinking my people were addicts, drug dealers and people with no drive in life. I never imagined people who had houses, jobs and families would actually like me once they knew what kind of life I lead.

This past weekend was one of great aha moments. I was embraced once again by a community of women with one common desire; to change the world with our stories. That although our stories are similar or completely not we all matter and when we share we learn, and when we learn we grow. We really are the sum of the 5 people we hang out with the most, so I really needed to evaluate those I surround myself with. I am determined now more than ever to grow my business, make a difference in the world and leave a legacy. Tomorrow is not promised and when I am no longer here I want to be remembered as the woman who gave people their voices back.

Mindset is a wonderful thing! Let me elaborate, as you may be sitting there thinking this is all hogwash bullshit. When I started dating my now boyfriend we couldn’t spend the night together because he wakes up at stupid o’clock (430am) and I snore like a freight train and stop breathing on average 270+ times a night. Yes I have sever sleep apnea. Well, I told him I can get the machine, but I already tried it “I simply cannot wear the mask through the night!” I was actually wearing my victim hoodie again. I cant sleep at night because I have nightmares (I do), I can’t wear the mask because I feel someone is strangling me (I did), I can’t go to bed early because I am scared of the night (Iam) see the connections…. I CANT I CANT I CANT!!! Well he started spending the night with me and making me feel safe making sure I kept the mask on, and 5 months later I can say I do wear the mask and actually choose to not skip a night without it. I go to bed with him because I want to. I rarely have nightmares and if I do I choose to cuddle up next to him to feel safe. Instead of I can’t I choose and I do.

I have also taken off that victim hoodie and burned the darn thing! We are not our trauma, however we are what we choose to do about it. Yea I got dealt some pretty shitty cards, but I don’t want to dwell on it. I will talk about it because I believe sharing our stories help others, but instead of as a victim I share as a survivor thriving in todays world! I have friends who give meaning to my life and fill my cup with love.

Are your friends filling your cup or draining it? When you surround yourself with the right people you start to believe in yourself. When you visualize your success you start acting on it, and when you change how you talk you begin to live differently. Instead of saying I can’t next time say I can. The next time you want to make an excuse choose not to.

I leave you with that today and I know if I can change so can you!

XX Badass Bon

My favourite F word is actually…..

FOOD!!!! I love thinking about it, obsessing about it, preparing it, cooking it and of course indulging in it. The thing about food is we need it to live. Some people eat to live, and others (like me) live to eat. For the first group of people food is fuel to energize their bodies to get them through life. The latter, my group, eat food for everything but fuel. I eat food to celebrate, to socialize, to fill a void and to make myself feel better. I have struggled with food my entire life.

So, my Mom was a terrible cook and I seriously despised everything she made me. Scrambled eggs out of a empty margarine container microwaved anyone? Yea, I’ll pass too!! My Grandmother however, was a fabulous cook and like most Grandmothers she cooked with love, which also meant lots of butter and other scrumptious things like sugar and fat. Think scalloped potatoes on the regular, Yorkshire puddings and gravies. There was always ice cream dates and I was never forced to drink water. Grandma always had the good juice and a Costco sized tub of Peppermint Patties. Grandma loved me and she showed me with money and food!! Then there’s the period of time I lived with my Step-Father, boy oh boy that man couldn’t cook if his life depended on it. For years I ate Mcdonald’s and Dennys and not on occasion I am talking every single day. We were known by name at both places in Walnut Grove and we didn’t even need a menu, as I knew that thing from front to back. Then there’s the time I travelled Canada with the carnival; think deep fried everything!!

As I had my own children and lived on my own I had to start feeding myself. I like to eat out, and if I do cook I don’t eat very healthy choices. I am addicted to food. The thing is once I start thinking about eating something I want (like nachos or chicken wings) I begin to obsess, and no it doesn’t pass like when I want a cigarette. For example, say I want MR. Mikes. First I start to think what I want from there, and then what it will taste like, and then where the place is and me going there, and the only thing to satisfy this obsession is to go there and eat it. As I have been trying to change though and I indulge in these obsessions I realize after I could have gone without and I would have survived. We are built to survive you know.

Food is so readily available. There was a time my ancestors hunted and gathered their food. I’m sure they did not eat what they wanted when they wanted, but instead worked hard for it and shared it amongst the tribe.

Like everything else in life we have choices. I’m sick of gaining weight. I’m not happy being almost 250 lbs and I sure as heck want to see my children have children of their own. I remember pre-children when I was 140 lbs and I looked in a mirror and thought “man I am fat” ugh to only go back and tell my thin self to love myself more and to dig deep for that self love and self respect.

I am on day 5 of intermittent fasting for my second time. The first time I made it a few weeks when I met a guy who broke me down. It has taken me 5 months to love myself again enough to put me first. Why intermittent-fasting? Because Keto is for crazy people, and I’m crazy for carbs. Why not just eat healthy? Because when I do that it is all or nothing. If I have a cheat day I get all obsessed and have a cheat week putting me into a cycle of failure where I just eat more to feel better until it has been 5 months again and nothing has changed except I have gained another 20 lbs.

with I-F I am able to control my obsessions because I can tell myself that in so many hours I can go hard. When it is time to go hard I actually don’t. I may choose to eat crappy but then I feel run down. My time is now. Your time is now.

Decisions, decisions.

XX

Badass Bon

He loves me, he loves me not

Have you ever told someone you love them and they don’t say it back? Well last night this happened to me and guess what? Nothing, thats what. I wasn’t upset and hurt because it was followed by a reasonable explanation. One, I probably shouldn’t have spit it out after having a few drinks with friends, and I had texted it one time before, but I have been feeling “in love” for a little bit now. The great part is that this relationship has been so normal it is everything I have never experienced before in my entire life. There is no rush to say the big L word and I have been just fine saying the like word instead.

Your probably thinking wth he didn’t say it back!? Hahahaha, its okay calm down, I am glad he didn’t because when he says it (and I know he will) it will be special and mean more than it would have last night. Here’s the thing. He knows my entire past; the sex addict in me, the past party girl lifestyle, the sexual abuse and the fact I allowed myself to be a door mat to multiple people in my life. He sees me struggle with my children, and I allow myself to be disrespected out of fear of rejection from them. I walk on eggshells and sometimes give up because I have no more fight in me. That one unit parent thing……. it is a tough gig! Sometimes I will allow one of my kids to trample me down just so I don’t have to deal with the attitude. Guess what? It’s not a sexy attribute to watch your woman be a door mat, nor is it a great way to teach the kids to be successful members of society.

So when I let me guard down and told him I truly loved him he said he knew. Here’s the thing, I know he knows because when he looks at me and I look at him it is evident. He can’t say it until I love myself enough to stop allowing people (anyone that is not just my children) to use me, manipulate me or push me to my breaking point. There’s more though. I am so content and secure in myself and this relationship I don’t need to say it again anytime soon, nor do I need validation in our relationship. I don’t see either one of us running away from each other anytime soon.

WOW!!! What growth I see in myself from that co-dependant scared woman afraid to be alone that I needed to spend every moment with my man to the powerful ever changing woman I am today.

Today when I asked one of my children to do something it was followed by complete disobedience, and everything I said was turned around to make me out as if I was “trying to start a fight,” and it clicked!!! This was what he meant! I would typically give in to demands and be left feeling undefeated and more like the child than the parent. I want respect from my children and love from my man. I stuck to my guns and after my child realized I was not giving in to the bulldozing techniques gave in and did what was asked.

So you understand what I was asking for was nothing like child labour or to scrub toilets with a toothbrush! I asked for the bedroom to be moved to the opposite side of the basement so I no longer had to endure rap music late at night or giggling. You see, the kids have a room that is about the size of two living rooms with a fire place, and if they want these luxuries they need to pitch in and be a part of a functioning household. At first I was told I could do it hahahahaha yea no!

Does this mean he loves me now? Ah, no. However, it is a step in the right direction to standing up for myself and being the parent I know I can be.

As for our travels, thank goodness we did laundry yesterday because on our way back home today the wheel bearing blew in the truck leaving us halfway between Edmonton and Edson in -26 degree weather and no tow truck willing to come tow. Defeat? Nope! We drove 3 hours back towards Edmonton making it to Spruce Grove driving an average of 30 km an hour so we can get it fixed tomorrow (fingers crossed!)

Now for a check in on gratitude and mood. I am so fucking happy! I am happy to be with a man that looks me deep in my eyes and I can feel how he feels about me, and I am happy to be here in this moment keeping him company during a dreadfully long drive. I am grateful to have woken up today because the alternative sucks! And I am grateful the bearing blew and not the tire falling off or something terribly worse where one of us could have been hurt. Trucks are fixable.

That is all I have for you tonight. Until next time.

XX Badass Bon

Sometimes life just isn’t fair

Do I start with the good or the bad?

Let’s start with the good, then the bad and then I’ll sandwich it with some more good. It always goes down better that way I think. Today was day 4 of no hair products and I broke down and bought a pair of sweat pants from Wal-Mart which isn’t too bad considering the princess status I have attached to my name. I honestly think I am becoming less of a princess every day I spend with my boyfriend. I am 100% certain I have not been this happy on the inside in a very long time. The last time I was glowing like this was on three occasions and they were during each pregnancy. This guy has my heart in each way I could possibly give it.

I would also like to do a huge shout out to Cold Lake’s Mamacita’s restaurant for having the best Mexican food I have enjoyed in a very long time. I even tried something unlike Bonnie, and ordered something completely different from what I normally would have ordered. Let me just say, Cold Lake I am very surprised at your quality Mexican food for being a non Mexican place. Take Abbotsford for example, we have many Mexican people in the city and not one notably great Mexican place to eat on our side of the border. Go to the states and they are on every corner.

Now, the not so great. Have you ever felt like a failure of a parent? Well you are not alone!!! Raising children is hard work; raising children as a one parent unit even harder; raising children from a dysfunctional family and no idea how to parent is the hardest fucking job in the whole world!! You can disagree all you want, but until you’ve done it don’t even attempt to argue with me. I know I am not the greatest parent, but I do give it my all and try the best I can. I don’t know how to communicate with bitchy teenagers, and I am an emotional wreck on a good day. Watching my children struggle is hard on me, and I am completely lost at what to do. I know I am supposed to be “the adult” but lets emphasize barely…… My boyfriend says he is here to build me up, and he hates watching me be torn down by anyone let alone teenagers.

What is the hardest is being told how to parent your children. If I am hard for taking away the wifi for skipping school, or I’m a terrible parent for expecting respect in my household then what constitutes a good parent? I know I ignore some issues for the fact conflict is uncomfortable, but sometimes I just try to save an argument. Apparently I am on this luxurious vacation enjoying time from my responsibilities, but let me say that if I wanted luxury time away from my life Cold Lake Alberta would not be my first destination! Between a flat tire issue, a boat full of 1000 pounds of ice and a blizzard coming our way with an estimated 40 cm of snow for our journey home I am far from “enjoying” my self like some thing. Here’s the thing, I am enjoying myself, but for different reasons.

1. I get to wake up after 9am.

2. My boyfriend and I are really getting to know one another.

3. I don’t have a million things going at once and I can just breathe.

4. I have space to just be.

Sometimes we need this time to breathe. I am a one parent unit doing the best I possibly can, and I know I’m not doing a 100% perfect job. My kids have a beautiful home to live in, they are fed well (even though they may complain it isn’t what they want), the bills are paid giving them heat, hot water, water for that matter and electricity.

I have had some time to think, and I am ready to attack this parenting thing head on.

I have one night left here, and then it’s our time to leave back for BC during a blizzard and back to reality. All I can say is “this too shall pass” and for all you struggling parents out there breathe life can’t be hard all the time I believe.

Now to sandwich hahahaha. Check out these cool planes on the Military Base.

Until next time followers.

Xoxo Badass Bon

I’m sorry

When your driving for hours with someone who doesn’t listen to music you have a lot of time to think. With all this thinking comes realization. I am realizing I have a long way to go to becoming the best me I can be. This actually excites me!! This means I have so much growth and a lifetime to do it. I have no intention of dying soon, but we are not promised tomorrow, so I blog my journey with the world because if I am not here to encourage; my past will always be here to read. I hope that my vulnerability and truth opens the door to other people who are afraid of stepping out fully in the world.

No more excuses! I am the way I am for a multitude of reasons. Like my choice in past relationships. I saw violence and I endured it because that was my normal. I don’t hug my kids often enough for a deep down fear I shouldn’t touch them (only a survivor of child molestation could deeply understand this), and then there is my love for yelling. Although I cower when voices rise that only lasts for a moment and then the inner fighter comes out. Here’s the thing though, I want to be a fighter but not that type of fighter. I am ashamed I used to fight people, punch people, hurt people and be undeniably one of the meanest persons I know of. My words cut deeper than a knife and I would feel good inside for making someone feel as bad as I truly felt. That is not okay.

I have talked shit behind peoples backs, rolled my eyes when discussing others troubles and laughed at others for their struggles. This is not something I have done to many people, but even to do this to one person is way too many. When did this world become so unconnected? When did it become okay to break each other down? There are always going to be bad people in the world, but as one who has been hurt by so many how could I go on and do the same? It’s that cycle I have always talked about, and it so easily creeps back in that you don’t even realize it. Here’s the thing though, no one wants to continually hear my poor me past! People want to know how I got over my past and rose up to be this BADASS woman I have become! I have had a light bulb moment of clarity which has catapulted me into complete awareness.

I no longer want to live in the shadows of my past. I no longer want to rent the space in my head to my past abusers. And I certainly am done being depressed and feeling completely worthless. Isn’t it crazy how fast things change? I had this mindset before and lost it. I believe it was when I was with my ex this past summer when he continually jabbed his index finger into my forehead demanding to know what my fucking problem was and why I couldn’t just get over everything. He was hurting me and when I started shaking and crying he was happy he 100% controlled me in that moment. Almost instantly everything I had previously been told negatively about myself crept back in and it became my truth. I told him I was a waste of skin and I was sorry for being so stupid. I quit all my speaking gigs that I had booked and he deleted all my social media accounts. Just like that, in a snap of a finger, in a blink of an eye he controlled me and I allowed it. Why? Because I was lonely and who else would want to make a life with a broken girl like myself?

These thoughts are all non truths. We tell ourselves this to “survive” and just “live,” but this is not true living. I’m done lying and ready to start living 100%.

Oh ya!! What about this trip to Alberta you might be wondering? Well it is going great. I slept absolutely great last night with my boyfriend who made me feel safe. I didn’t dream, so no rem sleep (totally my norm), but I fell asleep easily and slept through the night other than my usual bathroom trips. We are off for an adventure today, so don’t be surprised for a quick blog tonight with my ventures.

In closing, my Grandma taught me this saying that I swear almost everyone was raised on “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.” I not only challenge myself to this, but I challenge you all to do this as well. You don’t know others struggles and until you are walking in their shoes you don’t know how hard they have it. If someone isn’t being graceful lets help them be graceful. I think we live in a world where we walk on egg shells. I would much rather be told I am wrong than to be left to continue being wrong.

Travelling light

Hi! I am Bonnie, a complete princess who doesn’t like to get her hands dirty and takes pride in her looks even when in sweats and a messy bun. My previous relationships have consisted of bums, drug addicts, abusive narcissistic assholes and uninspired leaches (sorry? Not really). Some were not that terrible, but our paths crossed at wrong times, and I can’t save everyone nor should I be in a relationship with a man that needs saving. Today I have a boyfriend who is EVERYTHING I could ask for but nothing I was ever looking for.

We met on a dating site and within the hour we were meeting for coffee. We didn’t have our first kiss until date 3ish and didn’t hit the sheets until the 4th. He swept me off my feet the way a lady should be. He took me on dates, kissed me in the rain and told me I am so fucking beautiful. And guess what!!? I believed him! Not like the other guys where I wanted to believe him, but deep down in the pit of my stomach knew he was the one.

There was some hesitation though, and let me point out none of these should have mattered but my whole life I have been somewhat superficial. He didn’t care what he looked like, he didn’t spend stupid amount of time gelling his hair, he worked hard (and by hard I mean this man will work 40+ days straight), he doesn’t wear flashy clothing or jewelry and has not a single tattoo. He has a licence AND his own vehicle. Oh my god right!!!

Some of you may say, well duh he sounds like a normal guy. Well please remember my life has been far from normal. I grew up seeing blood, knives, broken bottles, teeth knocked out and the love language I learnt was being touched at a far too young age by my step father. My idea of a normal man was pretty skewed.

So back to today. It’s been almost two months with my new beau and he asked me to travel with him to Alberta to meet his friends (pretty big deal right?) and to drive back with him. My first thought was fuck yea!!! This momma needs a break from the kids. Btw kids, if your reading this your momma loves you more than anything, but being a single mom means I need to plug in and power myself back up and to do that I need a break to recharge.

So off to cold ass Alberta I go. BUT WAIT!!!! My boyfriend didn’t get this far in life without being savvy with his money. I call him cheap hahaha, he says he’s smart, and to be completely honest I agree with him and am learning slowly how to not only travel light but live light (aside from my lashes, those bad boys are staying). Our flights from Abbotsford BC to Edmonton AB was only $39!! Hmmmm whats the catch?? Uhhm, that doesn’t include luggage, and when he said we were traveling with only a personal bag with the dimensions of 13x16x6 I saw this as a challenge and said BRING IT ON!!! This princess can do ANYTHING!!!

Well, I am in Alberta, I have no pyjamas (who sleeps in them anyways when the children aren’t around) and will alternate between one pair of nice leggings and my jeans. 3 pairs of panties, 1 bra, 1 sports bra, 3 pairs of socks, brush, toothbrush, two hair ties, minimal makeup that fit into a tiny pouch, iPad, two books, shakes, shaker bottle and my vitamins. Essentials. Everything I packed I absolutely could not leave without. This all fit into my big tote/travel purse.

I’m wondering how life will be without my straightener, moisturizer, hair products, face creams, sweatpants, hoodies, bronzers and whatever else I would have normally packed on a trip. Guess you’ll find out along the way like I will because I’ll be blogging this journey until home because not only is this about travelling light but about travelling with a man that I really like and who I think really likes me back. How will this go? Will he see the side of me he hasn’t yet? Will I get annoyed with the fact he doesn’t really listen to music? Or do opposites truly attract and it will be an experience that will set the tune for our relationship. Only time will tell.

Lastly, he made it work for me to meet up with my very close friend who I consider a sister. She was in Edmonton for the week and he brought me to her. If only for 30 minutes it meant the world to us both. He is the farthest thing from selfish and I can be the most selfish person at times. Almost worth saying love, but we’re not there yet, because this is normal and normal takes time. I also met his step-daughter and his best friends tonight. So far so good. A 10/10 for day one.