Category: Single mom

He loves me, he loves me not

Posted on Categories alberta, authenticity, Badass, Dating, Empowerment, friendship, Single mom, succeedingLeave a comment

Have you ever told someone you love them and they don’t say it back? Well last night this happened to me and guess what? Nothing, thats what. I wasn’t upset and hurt because it was followed by a reasonable explanation. One, I probably shouldn’t have spit it out after having a few drinks with friends, and I had texted it one time before, but I have been feeling “in love” for a little bit now. The great part is that this relationship has been so normal it is everything I have never experienced before in my entire life. There is no rush to say the big L word and I have been just fine saying the like word instead.

Your probably thinking wth he didn’t say it back!? Hahahaha, its okay calm down, I am glad he didn’t because when he says it (and I know he will) it will be special and mean more than it would have last night. Here’s the thing. He knows my entire past; the sex addict in me, the past party girl lifestyle, the sexual abuse and the fact I allowed myself to be a door mat to multiple people in my life. He sees me struggle with my children, and I allow myself to be disrespected out of fear of rejection from them. I walk on eggshells and sometimes give up because I have no more fight in me. That one unit parent thing……. it is a tough gig! Sometimes I will allow one of my kids to trample me down just so I don’t have to deal with the attitude. Guess what? It’s not a sexy attribute to watch your woman be a door mat, nor is it a great way to teach the kids to be successful members of society.

So when I let me guard down and told him I truly loved him he said he knew. Here’s the thing, I know he knows because when he looks at me and I look at him it is evident. He can’t say it until I love myself enough to stop allowing people (anyone that is not just my children) to use me, manipulate me or push me to my breaking point. There’s more though. I am so content and secure in myself and this relationship I don’t need to say it again anytime soon, nor do I need validation in our relationship. I don’t see either one of us running away from each other anytime soon.

WOW!!! What growth I see in myself from that co-dependant scared woman afraid to be alone that I needed to spend every moment with my man to the powerful ever changing woman I am today.

Today when I asked one of my children to do something it was followed by complete disobedience, and everything I said was turned around to make me out as if I was “trying to start a fight,” and it clicked!!! This was what he meant! I would typically give in to demands and be left feeling undefeated and more like the child than the parent. I want respect from my children and love from my man. I stuck to my guns and after my child realized I was not giving in to the bulldozing techniques gave in and did what was asked.

So you understand what I was asking for was nothing like child labour or to scrub toilets with a toothbrush! I asked for the bedroom to be moved to the opposite side of the basement so I no longer had to endure rap music late at night or giggling. You see, the kids have a room that is about the size of two living rooms with a fire place, and if they want these luxuries they need to pitch in and be a part of a functioning household. At first I was told I could do it hahahahaha yea no!

Does this mean he loves me now? Ah, no. However, it is a step in the right direction to standing up for myself and being the parent I know I can be.

As for our travels, thank goodness we did laundry yesterday because on our way back home today the wheel bearing blew in the truck leaving us halfway between Edmonton and Edson in -26 degree weather and no tow truck willing to come tow. Defeat? Nope! We drove 3 hours back towards Edmonton making it to Spruce Grove driving an average of 30 km an hour so we can get it fixed tomorrow (fingers crossed!)

Now for a check in on gratitude and mood. I am so fucking happy! I am happy to be with a man that looks me deep in my eyes and I can feel how he feels about me, and I am happy to be here in this moment keeping him company during a dreadfully long drive. I am grateful to have woken up today because the alternative sucks! And I am grateful the bearing blew and not the tire falling off or something terribly worse where one of us could have been hurt. Trucks are fixable.

That is all I have for you tonight. Until next time.

XX Badass Bon

Sometimes life just isn’t fair

Posted on Categories Aboriginal, alberta, alberta, cold lake, authenticity, Badass, cold lake, Dating, Empowerment, friendship, Single mom, succeedingLeave a comment

Do I start with the good or the bad?

Let’s start with the good, then the bad and then I’ll sandwich it with some more good. It always goes down better that way I think. Today was day 4 of no hair products and I broke down and bought a pair of sweat pants from Wal-Mart which isn’t too bad considering the princess status I have attached to my name. I honestly think I am becoming less of a princess every day I spend with my boyfriend. I am 100% certain I have not been this happy on the inside in a very long time. The last time I was glowing like this was on three occasions and they were during each pregnancy. This guy has my heart in each way I could possibly give it.

I would also like to do a huge shout out to Cold Lake’s Mamacita’s restaurant for having the best Mexican food I have enjoyed in a very long time. I even tried something unlike Bonnie, and ordered something completely different from what I normally would have ordered. Let me just say, Cold Lake I am very surprised at your quality Mexican food for being a non Mexican place. Take Abbotsford for example, we have many Mexican people in the city and not one notably great Mexican place to eat on our side of the border. Go to the states and they are on every corner.

Now, the not so great. Have you ever felt like a failure of a parent? Well you are not alone!!! Raising children is hard work; raising children as a one parent unit even harder; raising children from a dysfunctional family and no idea how to parent is the hardest fucking job in the whole world!! You can disagree all you want, but until you’ve done it don’t even attempt to argue with me. I know I am not the greatest parent, but I do give it my all and try the best I can. I don’t know how to communicate with bitchy teenagers, and I am an emotional wreck on a good day. Watching my children struggle is hard on me, and I am completely lost at what to do. I know I am supposed to be “the adult” but lets emphasize barely…… My boyfriend says he is here to build me up, and he hates watching me be torn down by anyone let alone teenagers.

What is the hardest is being told how to parent your children. If I am hard for taking away the wifi for skipping school, or I’m a terrible parent for expecting respect in my household then what constitutes a good parent? I know I ignore some issues for the fact conflict is uncomfortable, but sometimes I just try to save an argument. Apparently I am on this luxurious vacation enjoying time from my responsibilities, but let me say that if I wanted luxury time away from my life Cold Lake Alberta would not be my first destination! Between a flat tire issue, a boat full of 1000 pounds of ice and a blizzard coming our way with an estimated 40 cm of snow for our journey home I am far from “enjoying” my self like some thing. Here’s the thing, I am enjoying myself, but for different reasons.

1. I get to wake up after 9am.

2. My boyfriend and I are really getting to know one another.

3. I don’t have a million things going at once and I can just breathe.

4. I have space to just be.

Sometimes we need this time to breathe. I am a one parent unit doing the best I possibly can, and I know I’m not doing a 100% perfect job. My kids have a beautiful home to live in, they are fed well (even though they may complain it isn’t what they want), the bills are paid giving them heat, hot water, water for that matter and electricity.

I have had some time to think, and I am ready to attack this parenting thing head on.

I have one night left here, and then it’s our time to leave back for BC during a blizzard and back to reality. All I can say is “this too shall pass” and for all you struggling parents out there breathe life can’t be hard all the time I believe.

Now to sandwich hahahaha. Check out these cool planes on the Military Base.

Until next time followers.

Xoxo Badass Bon

I’m sorry

Posted on Categories Aboriginal, authenticity, Badass, Empowerment, friendship, Single mom, succeedingLeave a comment

When your driving for hours with someone who doesn’t listen to music you have a lot of time to think. With all this thinking comes realization. I am realizing I have a long way to go to becoming the best me I can be. This actually excites me!! This means I have so much growth and a lifetime to do it. I have no intention of dying soon, but we are not promised tomorrow, so I blog my journey with the world because if I am not here to encourage; my past will always be here to read. I hope that my vulnerability and truth opens the door to other people who are afraid of stepping out fully in the world.

No more excuses! I am the way I am for a multitude of reasons. Like my choice in past relationships. I saw violence and I endured it because that was my normal. I don’t hug my kids often enough for a deep down fear I shouldn’t touch them (only a survivor of child molestation could deeply understand this), and then there is my love for yelling. Although I cower when voices rise that only lasts for a moment and then the inner fighter comes out. Here’s the thing though, I want to be a fighter but not that type of fighter. I am ashamed I used to fight people, punch people, hurt people and be undeniably one of the meanest persons I know of. My words cut deeper than a knife and I would feel good inside for making someone feel as bad as I truly felt. That is not okay.

I have talked shit behind peoples backs, rolled my eyes when discussing others troubles and laughed at others for their struggles. This is not something I have done to many people, but even to do this to one person is way too many. When did this world become so unconnected? When did it become okay to break each other down? There are always going to be bad people in the world, but as one who has been hurt by so many how could I go on and do the same? It’s that cycle I have always talked about, and it so easily creeps back in that you don’t even realize it. Here’s the thing though, no one wants to continually hear my poor me past! People want to know how I got over my past and rose up to be this BADASS woman I have become! I have had a light bulb moment of clarity which has catapulted me into complete awareness.

I no longer want to live in the shadows of my past. I no longer want to rent the space in my head to my past abusers. And I certainly am done being depressed and feeling completely worthless. Isn’t it crazy how fast things change? I had this mindset before and lost it. I believe it was when I was with my ex this past summer when he continually jabbed his index finger into my forehead demanding to know what my fucking problem was and why I couldn’t just get over everything. He was hurting me and when I started shaking and crying he was happy he 100% controlled me in that moment. Almost instantly everything I had previously been told negatively about myself crept back in and it became my truth. I told him I was a waste of skin and I was sorry for being so stupid. I quit all my speaking gigs that I had booked and he deleted all my social media accounts. Just like that, in a snap of a finger, in a blink of an eye he controlled me and I allowed it. Why? Because I was lonely and who else would want to make a life with a broken girl like myself?

These thoughts are all non truths. We tell ourselves this to “survive” and just “live,” but this is not true living. I’m done lying and ready to start living 100%.

Oh ya!! What about this trip to Alberta you might be wondering? Well it is going great. I slept absolutely great last night with my boyfriend who made me feel safe. I didn’t dream, so no rem sleep (totally my norm), but I fell asleep easily and slept through the night other than my usual bathroom trips. We are off for an adventure today, so don’t be surprised for a quick blog tonight with my ventures.

In closing, my Grandma taught me this saying that I swear almost everyone was raised on “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.” I not only challenge myself to this, but I challenge you all to do this as well. You don’t know others struggles and until you are walking in their shoes you don’t know how hard they have it. If someone isn’t being graceful lets help them be graceful. I think we live in a world where we walk on egg shells. I would much rather be told I am wrong than to be left to continue being wrong.

Travelling light

Posted on Categories authenticity, Badass, Dating, friendship, Single mom, succeedingLeave a comment

Hi! I am Bonnie, a complete princess who doesn’t like to get her hands dirty and takes pride in her looks even when in sweats and a messy bun. My previous relationships have consisted of bums, drug addicts, abusive narcissistic assholes and uninspired leaches (sorry? Not really). Some were not that terrible, but our paths crossed at wrong times, and I can’t save everyone nor should I be in a relationship with a man that needs saving. Today I have a boyfriend who is EVERYTHING I could ask for but nothing I was ever looking for.

We met on a dating site and within the hour we were meeting for coffee. We didn’t have our first kiss until date 3ish and didn’t hit the sheets until the 4th. He swept me off my feet the way a lady should be. He took me on dates, kissed me in the rain and told me I am so fucking beautiful. And guess what!!? I believed him! Not like the other guys where I wanted to believe him, but deep down in the pit of my stomach knew he was the one.

There was some hesitation though, and let me point out none of these should have mattered but my whole life I have been somewhat superficial. He didn’t care what he looked like, he didn’t spend stupid amount of time gelling his hair, he worked hard (and by hard I mean this man will work 40+ days straight), he doesn’t wear flashy clothing or jewelry and has not a single tattoo. He has a licence AND his own vehicle. Oh my god right!!!

Some of you may say, well duh he sounds like a normal guy. Well please remember my life has been far from normal. I grew up seeing blood, knives, broken bottles, teeth knocked out and the love language I learnt was being touched at a far too young age by my step father. My idea of a normal man was pretty skewed.

So back to today. It’s been almost two months with my new beau and he asked me to travel with him to Alberta to meet his friends (pretty big deal right?) and to drive back with him. My first thought was fuck yea!!! This momma needs a break from the kids. Btw kids, if your reading this your momma loves you more than anything, but being a single mom means I need to plug in and power myself back up and to do that I need a break to recharge.

So off to cold ass Alberta I go. BUT WAIT!!!! My boyfriend didn’t get this far in life without being savvy with his money. I call him cheap hahaha, he says he’s smart, and to be completely honest I agree with him and am learning slowly how to not only travel light but live light (aside from my lashes, those bad boys are staying). Our flights from Abbotsford BC to Edmonton AB was only $39!! Hmmmm whats the catch?? Uhhm, that doesn’t include luggage, and when he said we were traveling with only a personal bag with the dimensions of 13x16x6 I saw this as a challenge and said BRING IT ON!!! This princess can do ANYTHING!!!

Well, I am in Alberta, I have no pyjamas (who sleeps in them anyways when the children aren’t around) and will alternate between one pair of nice leggings and my jeans. 3 pairs of panties, 1 bra, 1 sports bra, 3 pairs of socks, brush, toothbrush, two hair ties, minimal makeup that fit into a tiny pouch, iPad, two books, shakes, shaker bottle and my vitamins. Essentials. Everything I packed I absolutely could not leave without. This all fit into my big tote/travel purse.

I’m wondering how life will be without my straightener, moisturizer, hair products, face creams, sweatpants, hoodies, bronzers and whatever else I would have normally packed on a trip. Guess you’ll find out along the way like I will because I’ll be blogging this journey until home because not only is this about travelling light but about travelling with a man that I really like and who I think really likes me back. How will this go? Will he see the side of me he hasn’t yet? Will I get annoyed with the fact he doesn’t really listen to music? Or do opposites truly attract and it will be an experience that will set the tune for our relationship. Only time will tell.

Lastly, he made it work for me to meet up with my very close friend who I consider a sister. She was in Edmonton for the week and he brought me to her. If only for 30 minutes it meant the world to us both. He is the farthest thing from selfish and I can be the most selfish person at times. Almost worth saying love, but we’re not there yet, because this is normal and normal takes time. I also met his step-daughter and his best friends tonight. So far so good. A 10/10 for day one.

Not everyone is meant to like me.

Posted on Categories Aboriginal, abuse, addict, addictions, alcoholic, Alcoholism, authenticity, Badass, Empowerment, friendship, Single mom, sobriety, succeedingLeave a comment

Where have I been, you ask? In a dark corner wrapped up in a blanket making excuses thats where! Does this sound familiar to you? Well, you are not alone. I make excuses as to why I haven’t been working my business to it’s highest potential. Easy answer, because I wasn’t ready to 110% be authentic, yet everyone thinks I am. So, today I drop the excuses and level up on my authenticity.

After an incredible year of being sober, starting a tribe, becoming an author/speaker and so much more it seemed everything halted. Some people have noticed and others have not, but what matters is I noticed. Not only did I notice, but I knew the reason why. All I have ever wanted in life was to be accepted and loved. I would like to add respected, but I haven’t been respected much growing up and I’m not talking about the respect I earned from a not so legal lifestyle either. I wanted acceptance and I was getting that, but I was also allowing anyone into my life with not so much a second thought. I’ve learnt acceptance from unaccepting people is not what I want.

I have been used, abused and taken advantage of from boyfriends and so called friends in the last year. I allow it too. Because I am a people pleaser, and I give many chances until I finally get burned so bad I can’t even complain about it because I let it happen. I have been called out by people for being a horrible person that says horrible things because once I get burned I get mad. Not a little bit mad, but like threaten you mad. Not my proudest moment okay.

What can I do to not get in a place where I feel like a bad person? Well for starters I can start setting up boundaries and sticking to them. I like helping people, it is in my nature to help people, but I can only help those that are willing to help themselves through the process. I also have realized that if someone is not willing to help you it’s probably a good indication you should keep walking because someone else could really use the help and will return the favour if ever needed.

For example, I just had my 2 year sobriety birthday and I received two phone calls. That’s right. 2. Last year, I arranged for a 1 year celebration at my house. I was surrounded by great company and given speeches that made me cry with joy. I felt accepted 100%. This year I realized I put too much effort in making friends. I would much rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies. So, my 2 year sobriety was fast approaching and I didn’t plan a damn thing. I received my two phone calls that made me cry again because I am so fucking proud of myself. Those two phone calls meant much more to me than the hustle I put into accommodating others on my day. Yes, I received a generous amount of fb posts that day, but these two phone calls came from two people that knew my date because it is on their calendars, not because they were reminded by a post I posted. Quarters!

The day you stop living for others and start living for yourself is a great day. Being selfish is what sets the winners apart, and I mean selfish in I come first and foremost because when I am the best Bonnie I can be I get to reward myself by helping you.

I am becoming more Bonnie everyday.

Next up is owning who I am, and my defects.

A little more complete

Posted on Categories Aboriginal, abuse, Badass, Empowerment, Historical trauma, Intergenerational trauma, Single mom2 Comments on A little more complete

I am back. Yet again…. Do you know how hard it is to be a single mom to 3 children (two of which are teenagers), run a household and a business? While it is very rewarding it is also tiring. Especially when you havent slept well in decades. So, if this sounds like you I suggest looking further into how you can change this.

For me this began with sleep. After my friend telling me I stopped breathing one night I took the steps to find out if I have sleep apnea. We already know falling asleep is hard for me, but once I am asleep I wonder if I get any rem sleep. I do not. I slept over at the hospital and in 6 hours of sleep I stopped breathing over 230 times and my rem sleep didn’t last more than 3 minutes. Yikes!! So bring on the sexy cpap machine. Thank god I don’t share my bed hahahaha. At least this sexy momma will be alive though.

Next, how do I make living with 3 kids a bit easier? Well one I stepped it up. I have vowed to go somewhere new every weekend on an adventure. Building memories are very important and now that I am sober and available I need to prioritize my time. I also am learning to let go with the teenagers. 14 and 15 is when they learn who they are, and I can’t hold their hands along the way (I tried and its not happening) so I am being more lenient and in turn the kids talk to me more. What a win!!

I also was feeling a bit down feeling alone surrounded by so many supporters. Family. I was missing a big piece of my life and again I have prioritized what is most important to me. I met my bio dad in October after being estranged for over 2 decades and over May long weekend I was reunited with my Aunt and Uncle after 28 years!!! I always felt no worth and not loved. I wondered where my family was. Why did no one want me in their lives? Well they did! If my Mom hadn’t told my Dad he wasn’t my Dad maybe I would’ve found them earlier. No! I would have because I found his number multiple times throughout the years and left it to my Mom to call. Little did I know she would sabatoge my chance at being loved. So if I have learnt anything from this it would be take control of yourself! I was too scared of rejection that I never called my Dad, yet if I would’ve I would have been accepted right then and there. It is what it is though, and it is a life lesson. Rejection is a part of life, but if you dont try you dont know and not knowing is worse.

I remember this day and tell this story as the one where “I met my real dad for the first time” this was my only memory of him. I was 12 (in actuality I was 9) and Mom took me on her drinking adventure to Vancouver which was a pretty regular thing. After she got drunk she pointed to my Dad and said this is your Father. Stumped, after sitting there for hours beforehand. I remember the picnic table, the kitchen, basement and my Mom drinking then argueing with my Dad.

I am grateful to have found my family. The family that loves me and wants to be in my life.

Momming is hard work!

Posted on Categories Aboriginal, Badass, Empowerment, Intergenerational trauma, Single momLeave a comment

I was not prepared to be a Mom. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be a Mom either for fear I would be a repeat of my Mom. Here’s the thing, I kind of was, I was a milder version of her but I still lived selfishly for too many years. I also lived in fear of standing up for myself so my children suffered and watched many arguements, childish behaviour and abandonment. Instead of going on about what mistakes I have done I want to really drive home the point of not giving up.

I can’t turn back the clock, but I can lead by example on where to go when the only direction left is up. I was a shitty Mom for a long time, and my kids test my dedication daily. One likes to remind me of my mistakes, one likes to push me to my breaking point and one is hoping I will crack and give in. When party Mom was around there were no rules and anything went including bedtimes.

It’s that cycle and I don’t think it is too late to break, but I also know my hard work is not yet close to being over. I know now how much the saying “nothing worthwhile comes easy” is true. I will continue to make decisions that may be hard for the kids but in the long run will give them a better chance than the one I had. They will know they are loved, respected, honoured, taken care of and important, but most of all they will know from watching me how to continue on and pull from their strength to succeed. Never give up but push yourself harder.

Today was the first Mother’s Day with no contact with my Mom. I was a tad bit emotional and simply didn’t want to make a fuss out of the day.  No big dinner and nothing but taking care of me because I am a good Mother and I deserve the best. I drummed at a lake where no one was around and spent it with family. I really couldn’t be any happier than I am right now in this moment. The realization that I made it!! I matter and I make an impact!

So to all you Moms out there who are maybe thinking you don’t matter…. YOU DO!!! Pick yourself back up, and no matter how long it takes, build a tribe of like minded people and do the work. I regained custody of my two teens back in 2010 after not having them for over 2 years and when I got sober in 2016 I started to really work on building those relationships I never tried to build before. It is never to late and nothing is more important than the relationships we have in life.

XX Badass

Life is always…… interesting…..

Posted on Categories Badass, Dating, Empowerment, Single momLeave a comment

Well there went my blogging streak. Maybe I spoke too soon, or maybe life just happened and instead of sharing with you, my audience, what has been going on I froze! Classic Bonnie move really. When I was younger I could just run away to California, or move into a friends, or, what I have been known to do in the past, run away with the Carnival. Now I just freeze, hide and forget.

So here I am owning my shit! I can’t expect to keep this amazing following by holding some of me back right. I have been vulnerable from the beginning sharing things that I have kept secret for most of my life, and if I want to show people how to show up fully I need to do it too.

Yes, I have been very busy speaking and networking but I also attempted to have a dating life. What!! Me!! Date!! What is that? I mean my older children’s dad I met on the Carnival and we practically lived together since day 1 and stayed together almost 5 years. Then there’s my last child’s dad……… we met, I fell hard, I moved in and lost myself along the way. Oh what about my husband…… well he moved in before we were a couple and we were exclusive from April 19th until not many days later we married May 5th. So there’s my dysfunctional love life. Oh, and  I did live with a guy before I had kids for over a year, but in true Bonnie fashion I ran away without breaking up with him. Such a coward I was, but not intentionally. I simply wanted to be loved but didn’t love myself because of all the shame I carried.

So back to dating today….. For one, as a sober woman with 3 kids and a career where would I find men? Decent ones too because
I know my worth now and I love myself so much I know what would compliment me now. I met a guy….. and boy was he kind, good looking and the best part FUNNY!!! Too bad I caught feelings when we discussed we wouldn’t. Hi, I am Bonnie and I don’t necessarily listen. I believe I have an awesome friend in him and hope he stays a positive force in my life; feelings aside. I’m proud of myself too!! I communicated how I felt, cried a tiny bit because my feelings were hurt and moved on. At first I thought “what is wrong with me” but then I said to myself it wasn’t meant to be. I believe deeply everyone we meet we do for a reason. I really learnt how to communicate too and that is never easy but oh so important if you want a full life. By full I mean being brutally honest with everyone including yourself, and no matter how hard a situation may be it will not kill you. So if it is on your mind get it off your mind through speaking. A wise friend of mine once said it is the “rule of 72” if it is still bothering you after 72 hours you need to talk about it. It’s an injustice not to. Free your mind to free yourself.

Today I am happily single and trying out dating. I have never been on a “date” and by that I mean no bar and party just two people getting to know each other with no intentions and if after meeting you don’t connect you say thanks for the coffee and go your separate ways. Also, dating now won’t be me putting in all the effort. If someone wants to be around me I will know because they will make an effort equal to mine. Sounds easy enough right? Well I have my first date tomorrow and I’m really nervous!! It includes coffee at Tim Hortons and possibly Castle Fun Park if we choose to after coffee. Brutal honesty right, no point in dragging anything on.

Wish me luck that I don’t fall flat on my face.

XX Badass Bon