As someone people look up to for guidance and support people forget sometimes that I also have my own “stuff” to deal with. Just keep in mind being the person that people look up to sometimes I need to be “checked” in on once in awhile too.
So this all has been on the forefront of my mind as I am just over two weeks away from pageant weekend. If your just reading this now and unsure what pageant weekend is all about it is the Miss BC pageant that I am a contestant in the Mrs category of. As we come closer to pageant weekend my mind overtakes in a negative way, but I have come far enough in my healing to notice this.
We all know someone who says things like “I’m too fat” or “my thunder thighs rub together” or simple pointing out all the things they don’t like about themselves physically or otherwise. In my 38 years on this world I have been told more about my downfalls then my beautiful attributes and when your constantly being told negative things we sometimes begin to believe them ourselves. Believing these things can harm our future relationships. When a guy tells you your beautiful and you reply with no I am not eventually your insecurities will get in the way and he will possibly move on as your inner healing is not close to complete and there is nothing he can do to help you. Why? Because we can only help ourselves!!
I know from experience that negative self talk is absolutely a complete waste of time and our breath. I was taught as a child that if I didn’t have anything nice to say not to say anything at all!! Well that goes for self talk too! If you wouldn’t call someone else a fatty you better not call yourself one!
I am proud to say I bought a gown for the pageant and didn’t care about the number on the tag. What I do care about is that it fits my body and it is absolutely beautiful!! Instead of worrying about my body I worry about my health. Instead of worrying about what I look like I worry about how I feel. Over all health begins on the inside out. And the proof is in the pudding!! Since embarking on my healing journey I have gained a solid 40 pounds but funny thing!! When I run into friends the first thing they say is damn Bonnie you look great!!! So how is it I look better heavier? Well because I took off my victim hoodie and moved into my survivor mode and it shows. I smile everywhere I go, and not a fake smile. I’m talking ear to ear I am so damn grateful to be alive smile. You cannot fake these smiles.
Now lets rewind a few years. When I would explain my behaviours I would follow up with an excuse like; my life sucked, my childhood was bad, I was sexually abused, I was beat for years and on and on I could go. I will not downplay the severity of the effects of my past, however no one wants to hear the poor me story. How can I help anyone heal if I continue feeling sorry for myself and being stuck angry at all the people that have wronged me? That’s right! I can’t!
So what has changed?
My mindset. This is something that is constantly evolving into the best version of myself. I believe I will not be truly done growing until I die and can no longer learn. Yes my past is a grim one, but it was my choice to make poor decisions and feel sorry for myself. It was my choice to not reach out for help. Yes, maybe I didn’t know how to ask for help but it is common sense at some point. So that’s what I did. I started reaching out to friends, I started therapy and I have made it my mission to help as many people as I can reach to come to a point in their lives they can move past the hurt.
Today instead of being negative about my body I look for the positive in it, like it has birthed 3 beautiful humans, that my breasts have fed and nourished all of them to be strong babies, that my feet although sore have carried my weight around for a very long time and most importantly without my body and the strength it has I wouldn’t be here.
I have a proposition for you all. When your sitting there thinking negatively…. STOP IT!!! Turn it around into a positive statement and see how you feel. Now I’m going to push it farther. Do this for one month!! Check in with yourself and see where your at in a month on how you feel about yourself.
And lastly, don’t forget to vote for me for this years peoples choice awards. I thank all my support team in advance for constantly voting for me and supporting me in everything that I do. Winning isn’t just for me; winning is for everyone who thought or still thinks they’re not good enough! It’s for those struggling with addictions because guess what they’re people too. It’s for the survivors, the thrivers and change makers! It’s for those that have been beaten of their self worth! This win is for us black sheep and underdogs BECAUSE WE MATTER!!
XX Badass Bon