There has been some ups and downs this past year and extreme successes. I am beyond grateful for it all, but have slowly withdrawn myself from going 100% lately. This doesn’t mean I am going anywhere, in fact I think you’ll see more of me in the coming months, it just means I am human. I didn’t finish school, I’ve never had a job for more than a year, I have had a pretty shitty go, I live with PTSD, anxiety and depression. Some days I just don’t want to get out of bed.
I’ve done a lot of change for one person in 21 months. Learning how to be a functioning human in life isn’t exactly easy considering as an addict I am obsessive and compulsive. Some days I am go go go with no destination and other times I am barely able to focus on much except the pain I find so hard to let go. I mean I have overcome a lot, but some days I just want to scream and say fuck it. It still haunts me…. the past that creeps back in at night and images that will never be forgotten.
One thing I do know though is my choice still stands. I chose on that stage a little over a year ago that I will be a speaker and that I am. I chose to live my life with purpose and to be a positive person.
Tonight, after installing my brand new washing machine and struggling to get it level we decided tonight we would let it be and level it tomorrow. My 14 year old daughter, love her to pieces, with her teen attitude thought I should’ve told her we were getting a new washer. After explaining the other one broke and her not believing me she got quite mad her laundry wasn’t getting done at 10pm lol. I was already pissed off at the washing machine and the situation so I laughed. Well my daughter didn’t find that too funny and freaked out I was laughing. When she asked why I was laughing all I could do was laugh more. I blurted out to my boyfriend “the opposite of laughing is not a pretty sight” I laughed so hard I cried. I think I had a little bit of a breakdown, but I held my shit together. My teenagers get so angry and I just wish they could let go earlier than I did in life.
Being a mom of 3 and being a recovering alcoholic is probably one of the hardest damn jobs. My kids never let me live it down the mistakes I have made. How I wish they could move forward and forgive me. Until then, I will laugh and cry instead of be angry and get drunk.
Not only is being a mom hard but have you ever tried dating someone who isn’t an alcoholic or an abusive control freak? Yea not since my teen years unfortunately. I recently started exclusively seeing a man who won me by being different. Ive been dating for a bit now and it has been a whole lot of crazy!! This guy came out of nowhere and didn’t whisk me off my feet at first, but there were things that I liked but wasn’t used to. Like compliments, who would’ve thought hearing how beautiful you are was amazing. Or actually pushing me to get out of my comfort zone, not afraid to sit beside me at a restaurant (yes Ive never sat beside a guy it is always across from and phones are always out), someone who isn’t all about social media, funny, sweet and a bit on the dorky but hot side. I mean that in a good way if you (the bf) is reading this hahaha. It is the simple things in life that really get my attention. Like sharing our food. When I go out to eat I want variety, and now I found a guy willing to share and not complain.
Balance now. Friends, family, business and alone time is very important. I will be focusing more on business as the summer slowly comes to an end and I look forward to this next chapter in my life. I really hope this next leg of the journey includes less teenage attitude, but I won’t hold my breath.