Maybe Negative Nancy isn’t another person but instead the voice inside my head. Yes, I hear voices! Now that that is out of the way I can tell you about her. She lives in my head and sounds just like me but everything she says is negative. The thing is that what she says to me isn’t stuff I just make up but instead things I have been told about myself in all my years. I know I am not alone in this one bit.
Things I repeatedly hear, but not limited to, are
- You are ugly and you’ll look just like your Mother one day
- You are worthless; a complete waste of skin
- Your a monster and a bad mother
- Your a fatty, a pig, disgusting and gross
I certainly will not go on as this negative talk gives me a bad feel, but I can say one thing. Verbal abuse lingers much longer than physical abuse. I have scars that I will take to the grave from being hit so hard, yet those scars don’t hurt. The act is even forgiven and forgotten. It’s these words that still fuck me up to this day.
Not an excuse, but honestly this is why sometimes I disappear from going live on fb and blogging frequently. I get in my head with that negative bitch and let her win. For so many years I simply accepted the fact I was meant to be abused and everything I was told I would say back. I remember even saying to my ex things like “yep, I am a waste of skin and don’t deserve to live.” I would then get told I was a victim and playing the poor me card, but deep down I believed all of it.
Nowadays I don’t put myself down but that voice is still there. I get all stoked to get healthy and lose some weight and then I give up and think why bother and eat myself into more weight gain. I plan to go live more but then there she is saying “no one wants to hear or see you”. It has gotten to be a little ridiculous because I know it is all untrue.
I saw this today.
So today I make an oath to myself. Negative Nancy can sit down while I rise back to the top. It all seems to come together in the end really.
As I was getting my son ready for bed I got a text from an ex. It went like this.
“I want to apologize”
“All the times I had kicked you out, and as I sit at the river alone I think I feel exactly how you felt all those times. Bonnie, I am truly sorry”
“I forgave you a long time ago, but will never forget as the damage lingers to this day”
“I think how I can fix it, but know I cannot”
Well, tears are streaming. I no longer grieve the relationship, and I truly have forgiven him, but the pain from the words that are stuck hurts to this day. I really hope he can move on because he has taken the biggest step he can by admitting his wrongs. I hope he can heal and become the best version of himself like I am doing. Not for me, but for himself and his children.
And so life goes on as the saying goes. It really does you know. The issue is do you watch life go by and pretend you have no regrets or do you become courageous and live it the way you really want!? I definitely am doing the latter! Joined a dance class, registered to compete for Mrs. BC, continued on my speaking career and choosing to be BADASS in everything I do.
When you look in the mirror every night answer this question. Have you done everything you can today to becoming the person you want to be? Some days it might be no, but I hope that more than half of the time the answer is yes.
My publisher and friend has this quote that I just love!!
So I leave you with that.