Tag: inspiration

It never goes away but it gets easier

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“Some people survive and talk about it. Some people survive and go silent. Some people survive and create. Everyone deals with unimaginable pain in their own way, and everyone is entitled to that, without judgement. So the next time you look at someone’s life covetously, remember… you may not want to endure what they are enduring right now, at this moment, whilst they sit so quietly before you, looking like a calm ocean on a sunny day. Remember how vast the ocean’s boundaries are. Whilst somewhere the water is calm, in another place in the very same ocean, there is a colossal storm.” Nikita Gill

The storm is always in the heart. Sometimes it hurts so much and I think it will never end. Loneliness; not from being alone but from being outcasted. Yes, I am one tough woman, but I too have my moments of loneliness and abandonment. I yearn for something I cannot quite figure out. The loss of my loving Grandma maybe. The idea of loving parents quite possibly. The loss of a childhood most likely.

Two years ago today I boarded a plane into the unknown. I was in a loveless marriage and too afraid to be alone. I jumped at the chance to be a part of a retreat for adult survivors of child sexual abuse. I had no idea how much this would change my life. Although I am a people person I get a ton of anxiety meeting new people. I was on this journey to stay with a group of women I had never met. I had no idea the power behind being with other survivors.

When growing up I never imagined what I endured happened more often than not. I had no clue the statistics, and now that I do it is a mission to talk about my past freely no matter how difficult it is. The more we talk about it the more we take the shame and stigma away. You bet it is uncomfortable. You bet no one wants to have a discussion on it. But if not now when!? If we don’t talk about it it will never stop.

When I went to The Younique Foundation Retreat I didn’t really understand how the abuse changed me. I think differently, I react differently, and I dissociate often and easily. I have PTSD, I rarely sleep at night (this is when the abuse always happened), and I get weird over even hugging my own children (something I work on daily). I cry often and usually alone and mostly when I blog. I overthink EVERYTHING and I still struggle with the idea of anyone truly loving me.

This retreat was one big piece to fixing myself. I learnt that I am not alone, and sadly that too many children are abused and almost always by someone they know. For me it was my Step Dad. The man who adopted me and raised me as his own. He spoiled me and I thought I owed him for giving me this great life, but was it so great? Would I have been where I am today if my Mom and I stayed in the downtown East side of Vancouver? I will never know. What I do know is it was not my fault. I know now that NO is a complete sentence. I know my worth.

When I got home from this retreat I stood taller. I was ready to fully stand on my story and no longer in it. I was done being the victim and ready to be a change maker. When I talk about my past people always offer their apologies. I get it, its uncomfortable but what I really want is for you to listen and be a part of ending it. How can we end it? We talk about it, we spread awareness and we educate our children on what is right and wrong and to never ever be afraid to tell. My Mom was abusive and I was always so scared to tell her. This is why my abuse went on for more than a decade.

Going to this retreat gave me 7 lifelong friends. I actually have a bird tattooed on my arm for each one of them. Always together strong and united in ending childhood sexual abuse. Always together on living our life the best way we know how. We are bonded by our horrific pasts that only survivors can understand. We get it. As someone who has tired to commit suicide, who lived life not afraid to die, who hated herself; these other women get me. I am not judged. They also have no pity for me. Nothing but love.

So, two years later I bring up this experience in the hopes that someone comes across this at just the right time. That they will learn of this retreat when they need it most. That just maybe it saves a life. When I got home from this retreat I ended my marriage. I got my voice back and I learned how to use it. I look back at the growth in two years and it is my confidence that has grown the most. When I walked into this retreat I saw an ugly woman that did not deserve love. I now see my beauty and no longer compare myself to others. Although I have not found love from a partner I have learned to love myself. Now that is growth.

If you or someone you know has been sexually abused as a child and struggles with it please check out this link. Apply and go. All it costs is a flight and your time, yet the amount of therapy and experience you get in a jam packed 4 days; well you can’t put a price on that one bit.

https://youniquefoundation.org/application/

I leave you with a few pictures from my experience. An experience I will never forget; one that forever changed my life for the better.

Stop giving your power away

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I spent 8 long years trying to make a destructive relationship work. I walked away with my head hanging low and severely low self worth. I also walked away with an amazing little boy who thinks I am a hero. A lot of people say things like; why did you stay so long, why didn’t you JUST leave, why did you give him your power…. you get the idea. I was a strong woman when I met this man, but had absolutely no healing done from my childhood of sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I was loud, rambunctious and full of life ready and willing to be the center of attention at any party. I was known as always being fun to party with and keeping one going until the wee mornings. I was actually very tired from all the partying when I met this man so I was willing to give it all up for the one and “settle down,” boy was I in for a roller coaster ride.

I will admit I gave too much of myself in the beginning. Dropped all my friends and gave every spare minute I had to him. Soon I was head over heels in love, and he said he loved me too. Once I was all in the abuse started. A beating here, a spit in my face there, snarky comments and seclusion from everyone but him. I don’t want to go into full detail on what I endured but give you a picture of how severe this relationship was. By the time I left the relationship I had completely become someone different. Still loud, but not nearly as often. Afraid of how stupid people would think my ideas and opinions were. I rarely spoke up and if I did it was to one or two people and behind closed doors. I even remember starting a blog, but after my first post I said nope not doing that again….. way to vulnerable for me, and people probably wouldn’t read it anyways. I’m just a dumb Indian that no one cares about. Just another statistic.

It took me 5 months to open a new fb account. Even though I was free of him he still controlled me. I was so scared that he would see my account and reign hell on me. His voice was with me everywhere I went “you’re ugly like your mom”, “you’ll never find someone like me” and “you’re a pig.” Everything I did I did with tremendous fear. Going out into public scared the living shit out of me. I thought everyone was looking at me and knew how disgusting I was. I assumed people were laughing at me and knew I was a complete failure.

Fast forward to today. It has been over 13 years since I met that man, and I am taking a stand. No fucking more! Not just to him but anyone that makes me feel less than I know I am. My value is high in this world.

I had this epiphany last weekend when yet again we were being keyboard warriors arguing through text about how he will withhold child support because I withhold our child. Let me please point out I do not enjoy holding our child hostage. It hurts me a great deal watching my son cry for his Dad he misses so much, but someone needs to be the adult and that person is me. When it comes to the safety of my child I have to make the hard decisions about what is safe and what is considered proper parenting. When your “sober” when you see your child but using extremely unsafe drugs and participating in scary behaviour it is my duty as his Mother to make sure he never becomes collateral damage. Supervised visits are few and far between but that is not my issue. What I can do is enforce my own love to our child tenfold so he knows just how special he is. He has no shortage of love.

But, this isn’t about our child or my parenting. It is what happens when we argue that is the topic. After I argue with him I go into a funk. My boyfriend knows what’s up and it impacts our relationship which is a huge no no in my book! Do you allow other relationships to pour into your life like poison? That is what it really is. POISON. Do I need to engage? No. Do I need to remind him of his shortcomings? No. Do I need to put him down because he angers me? Fuck no. So why do I then? Repeated behaviours, cycles and not being aware of my emotions. So take a step back. Is it hard to not involve myself in this anymore? Absolutely not!

It comes down to boundaries. These need to be put into place to ensure success. Blocking his number and having a third person do the communication; this is also important because now the communication is only pertaining to details of visits and the child. Sticking to my guns. This is a hard one. I used to give in all the time, but as I have become stronger in my own recovery (how that looks for me) and have a clear idea on what is acceptable and not acceptable. Putting a rule into place means sticking to that rule!! NO MATTER WHAT!!!! Doing these steps allows me to breathe and fully move on in life, and not be subject to any outrages or comments made out of anger. I don’t need to be told I am a bad mom because I am not. I may have made some poor choices in the past as a mom, but that is the past, something that can not be undone, and I live in the present planning for the future.

So I leave you with this. Brene Brown said this “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we disappoint others.”

XX Badass Bon

Stop listening to Negative Nancy…. She is full of shit!!

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Maybe Negative Nancy isn’t another person but instead the voice inside my head. Yes, I hear voices! Now that that is out of the way I can tell you about her. She lives in my head and sounds just like me but everything she says is negative. The thing is that what she says to me isn’t stuff I just make up but instead things I have been told about myself in all my years. I know I am not alone in this one bit.

Things I repeatedly hear, but not limited to, are

  • You are ugly and you’ll look just like your Mother one day
  • You are worthless; a complete waste of skin
  • Your a monster and a bad mother
  • Your a fatty, a pig, disgusting and gross

I certainly will not go on as this negative talk gives me a bad feel, but I can say one thing. Verbal abuse lingers much longer than physical abuse. I have scars that I will take to the grave from being hit so hard, yet those scars don’t hurt. The act is even forgiven and forgotten. It’s these words that still fuck me up to this day.

Not an excuse, but honestly this is why sometimes I disappear from going live on fb and blogging frequently. I get in my head with that negative bitch and let her win. For so many years I simply accepted the fact I was meant to be abused and everything I was told I would say back. I remember even saying to my ex things like “yep, I am a waste of skin and don’t deserve to live.” I would then get told I was a victim and playing the poor me card, but deep down I believed all of it.

Nowadays I don’t put myself down but that voice is still there. I get all stoked to get healthy and lose some weight and then I give up and think why bother and eat myself into more weight gain. I plan to go live more but then there she is saying “no one wants to hear or see you”. It has gotten to be a little ridiculous because I know it is all untrue.

I saw this today.

So today I make an oath to myself. Negative Nancy can sit down while I rise back to the top. It all seems to come together in the end really.

As I was getting my son ready for bed I got a text from an ex. It went like this.

“I want to apologize”

“For?”

“All the times I had kicked you out, and as I sit at the river alone I think I feel exactly how you felt all those times. Bonnie, I am truly sorry”

“I forgave you a long time ago, but will never forget as the damage lingers to this day”

“I think how I can fix it, but know I cannot”

Well, tears are streaming. I no longer grieve the relationship, and I truly have forgiven him, but the pain from the words that are stuck hurts to this day. I really hope he can move on because he has taken the biggest step he can by admitting his wrongs. I hope he can heal and become the best version of himself like I am doing. Not for me, but for himself and his children.

And so life goes on as the saying goes. It really does you know. The issue is do you watch life go by and pretend you have no regrets or do you become courageous and live it the way you really want!? I definitely am doing the latter! Joined a dance class, registered to compete for Mrs. BC, continued on my speaking career and choosing to be BADASS in everything I do.

When you look in the mirror every night answer this question. Have you done everything you can today to becoming the person you want to be? Some days it might be no, but I hope that more than half of the time the answer is yes.

My publisher and friend has this quote that I just love!!

So I leave you with that.

XX

Stay Badass

We still like each other

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Day two of our adventures and I haven’t froze to death…. yet! Not a lot happened. We drove lots, met some of my boyfriends friends and had a minor hiccup on our journey. When we got to the airport in Lloydminster to return the rental car the tire popped on the boat trailer. We went to Kal-Tire and unfortunately they did not have one to replace ours. With only an hour to find one I started to have some negative thoughts cross my mind like great we wont find one, or we will be stuck here the night, or, or fuck that shit!! I put my hands out to the windshield and I said “Universe, I have been good to you and in return you have been good to me in the last two years, so give us a break. We are going to drive to Canadian Tire and you will have a tire there for us because you take care of those that need taking care of.” Scoff if you may, negative thinking has never served me well. Positive thinking however has changed my life. Guess who bought the last tire in our size on the shelf? Us of course!

So I manifested some shit and it worked out.

I have had a lot of time to think today and I have happily come to think I manifested my boyfriend too. I was ready. He came out of nowhere and on our drive I really looked at him. Deeply. His quirks, his humour and his thought process and damn do I like him. A little bit, hahahaha more like a lot a bit but who’s paying attention. To think I can be where I am today after allowing men to spit on me, hit me, threaten me and strip me of my human nature. If you are reading this and think life can’t get any worse it can! You have choice in life. Stay down or get the fuck up. Staying down for me meant death and destruction. Today I am happy.

I’m going to leave you with this tonight. Positive thinking leaves to positive living. Get out of your own way.

xoxo Badass Bon

It’s all about perspective

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How true is this? I’ve been learning how to live my life not only with purpose but positivity. Simple right? One would think so, but when you’ve lived a negative life for many years sometimes the positive in life is hard to see.

I must tell you how rewarding it is to live by these two rules, and let me point out one can’t expect perfection in life, but I figure any step in the right direction means you’re heading the right way. So be proud and enjoy what being positive brings you in life. I was a pretty happy child but my teen years I developed a very dark side. I was filled with a burning rage towards my parents and anyone who I thought deserved my wrath. I was known as a tough chick without even having to fight often, and even in my twenties I was playing the tough girl role. I could use my words to bring a person down, and if you messed with anyone I loved you were getting the brunt of my rage. Everything angered me from the slightest thing as something spilt on the carpets, drawings on the walls, a stare from someone at a restaurant and those pushy people that simply can’t wait in a line up or walking through a busy mall during the holidays. I know first hand negativity breeds negativity but during these times I never admitted it and thought I was content living life in this way.

Fast forward to today. My friend felt terrible that her 2 year old got a hold of a red crayon and drew on my couch. I hadn’t seen it yet but said don’t worry about it. When I walked in I giggled and said oh look he legit drew Auntie a picture. It was another defining moment where I realized I am learning to let go of that unnecessary anger. Just like negativity; positivity breeds positivity. That shit is great! To think I just can choose not to get mad over something that is already done and can’t be changed. Well shit! Life goes on, and I choose to go along happily. There are still times I get a bit negative like when someone rides my ass on the freeway or drives like a moron I may throw up a finger with no class, but hey remember I am far from perfect and a long way from where I used to be, so don’t sweat the small stuff in life because there’s a bright side to everything if you’re willing to change your perspective.

When you put your mind to something shit gets done!

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Today was literally like 3 days in one! Visits, dinner with friends, packing and sorting pageant stuff, picking up last minute items, cleaning, final lists made, and a good night blog. Hmmmmm, and the feeling around today was anxious. Remember, we procrastinate not to avoid the task but to avoid the feeling associated with the task. So all month, and all week I put off everything that I crammed into 3 days.

I think procrastinating can be avoided now that I know it is the feeling I am avoiding. By being aware of the feeling and thinking it through I may just overcome this issue that probably gives me more anxiety than if I just got it done.

I also think I avoid doing it because in the past I would quit. I never fully finished anything in my life. School, jobs, heck I didn’t even finish a full season due to being pregnant on the carnival lol!!! But here I am killing it. I am going into tomorrow as ready as I will ever be. My van is packed, my morning outfit is ready, my make up is out and ready for the morning; to then be packed up and brought with me, my overnight bags are ready (so grateful for one of my besties to host me so I will only be a five minute drive from the theatre), and my personality is ready to be shared. Let’s be honest, I may look intimidating before my morning coffee but I am literally a ray of fucking sunshine with loads of humour that’ll possibly make some pee their pants a little.

I may not be fully rehearsed, or know every dance step to a T, or even know exactly what my speech will be tomorrow night, but this is how I have done things since I began this way of life. My speeches are never practiced or written down and I feel I get more powerful each and every time I get out there, so I am ready!

Stay tuned for Monday, as I will be back to let you all know how I made out. Honestly I think I’ve won anyways; maybe not the title but the encouragement, confidence, support, and drive to do something that completely scares the shit out of me!! I told my girlfriend that if I was to trip in my huge heels I would just continue rolling on stage to my spot because why not just “roll with it” hahahaha….

XX

When you get that extra boost just at the right time.

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I have a major toothache, I can’t remember the last time I had an amazing nights sleep, and of course I have gotten a lot done but not everything. Did I mention I’m a single mom who runs a household full of teenagers and not only is it 3 nights to the pageant but it is the end of the school year and month which means crazy schedules and usual month end errands.

It seems when we think its too much you get a sign and boom your like heck no “I got this!” I had already seen my article for the Abby News online, but once in print it was such a boost of confidence that I am indeed doing what I am meant to. The people that reached out, who shared my article, who sent words of inspiration are my tribe. The people who are inspired by me but also inspire me. It’s a great cycle to be a part of.

Of course there are some peoples support that I wish I was receiving, but I always need to remember that people come into our lives for three things; a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Some reasons plain suck, but if you look closely you’ll see the lesson and when you can find the lesson you can grow. Like learning not all people have your back or are as honest as they say they are. I can’t change the world, or anyone for that matter, but I can improve myself and inspire change in others. And I’m not talking changing who people are, but changing what we are about. Living a purposeful life, being the change we seek in the world, just plain being badass! Why live day in and day out doing the ordinary when we can do the extraordinary and make the world a better place.

XX