Stop listening to Negative Nancy…. She is full of shit!!

Maybe Negative Nancy isn’t another person but instead the voice inside my head. Yes, I hear voices! Now that that is out of the way I can tell you about her. She lives in my head and sounds just like me but everything she says is negative. The thing is that what she says to me isn’t stuff I just make up but instead things I have been told about myself in all my years. I know I am not alone in this one bit.

Things I repeatedly hear, but not limited to, are

  • You are ugly and you’ll look just like your Mother one day
  • You are worthless; a complete waste of skin
  • Your a monster and a bad mother
  • Your a fatty, a pig, disgusting and gross

I certainly will not go on as this negative talk gives me a bad feel, but I can say one thing. Verbal abuse lingers much longer than physical abuse. I have scars that I will take to the grave from being hit so hard, yet those scars don’t hurt. The act is even forgiven and forgotten. It’s these words that still fuck me up to this day.

Not an excuse, but honestly this is why sometimes I disappear from going live on fb and blogging frequently. I get in my head with that negative bitch and let her win. For so many years I simply accepted the fact I was meant to be abused and everything I was told I would say back. I remember even saying to my ex things like “yep, I am a waste of skin and don’t deserve to live.” I would then get told I was a victim and playing the poor me card, but deep down I believed all of it.

Nowadays I don’t put myself down but that voice is still there. I get all stoked to get healthy and lose some weight and then I give up and think why bother and eat myself into more weight gain. I plan to go live more but then there she is saying “no one wants to hear or see you”. It has gotten to be a little ridiculous because I know it is all untrue.

I saw this today.

So today I make an oath to myself. Negative Nancy can sit down while I rise back to the top. It all seems to come together in the end really.

As I was getting my son ready for bed I got a text from an ex. It went like this.

“I want to apologize”

“For?”

“All the times I had kicked you out, and as I sit at the river alone I think I feel exactly how you felt all those times. Bonnie, I am truly sorry”

“I forgave you a long time ago, but will never forget as the damage lingers to this day”

“I think how I can fix it, but know I cannot”

Well, tears are streaming. I no longer grieve the relationship, and I truly have forgiven him, but the pain from the words that are stuck hurts to this day. I really hope he can move on because he has taken the biggest step he can by admitting his wrongs. I hope he can heal and become the best version of himself like I am doing. Not for me, but for himself and his children.

And so life goes on as the saying goes. It really does you know. The issue is do you watch life go by and pretend you have no regrets or do you become courageous and live it the way you really want!? I definitely am doing the latter! Joined a dance class, registered to compete for Mrs. BC, continued on my speaking career and choosing to be BADASS in everything I do.

When you look in the mirror every night answer this question. Have you done everything you can today to becoming the person you want to be? Some days it might be no, but I hope that more than half of the time the answer is yes.

My publisher and friend has this quote that I just love!!

So I leave you with that.

XX

Stay Badass

When you put your mind to something shit gets done!

Today was literally like 3 days in one! Visits, dinner with friends, packing and sorting pageant stuff, picking up last minute items, cleaning, final lists made, and a good night blog. Hmmmmm, and the feeling around today was anxious. Remember, we procrastinate not to avoid the task but to avoid the feeling associated with the task. So all month, and all week I put off everything that I crammed into 3 days.

I think procrastinating can be avoided now that I know it is the feeling I am avoiding. By being aware of the feeling and thinking it through I may just overcome this issue that probably gives me more anxiety than if I just got it done.

I also think I avoid doing it because in the past I would quit. I never fully finished anything in my life. School, jobs, heck I didn’t even finish a full season due to being pregnant on the carnival lol!!! But here I am killing it. I am going into tomorrow as ready as I will ever be. My van is packed, my morning outfit is ready, my make up is out and ready for the morning; to then be packed up and brought with me, my overnight bags are ready (so grateful for one of my besties to host me so I will only be a five minute drive from the theatre), and my personality is ready to be shared. Let’s be honest, I may look intimidating before my morning coffee but I am literally a ray of fucking sunshine with loads of humour that’ll possibly make some pee their pants a little.

I may not be fully rehearsed, or know every dance step to a T, or even know exactly what my speech will be tomorrow night, but this is how I have done things since I began this way of life. My speeches are never practiced or written down and I feel I get more powerful each and every time I get out there, so I am ready!

Stay tuned for Monday, as I will be back to let you all know how I made out. Honestly I think I’ve won anyways; maybe not the title but the encouragement, confidence, support, and drive to do something that completely scares the shit out of me!! I told my girlfriend that if I was to trip in my huge heels I would just continue rolling on stage to my spot because why not just “roll with it” hahahaha….

XX