How true is this? I’ve been learning how to live my life not only with purpose but positivity. Simple right? One would think so, but when you’ve lived a negative life for many years sometimes the positive in life is hard to see.
I must tell you how rewarding it is to live by these two rules, and let me point out one can’t expect perfection in life, but I figure any step in the right direction means you’re heading the right way. So be proud and enjoy what being positive brings you in life. I was a pretty happy child but my teen years I developed a very dark side. I was filled with a burning rage towards my parents and anyone who I thought deserved my wrath. I was known as a tough chick without even having to fight often, and even in my twenties I was playing the tough girl role. I could use my words to bring a person down, and if you messed with anyone I loved you were getting the brunt of my rage. Everything angered me from the slightest thing as something spilt on the carpets, drawings on the walls, a stare from someone at a restaurant and those pushy people that simply can’t wait in a line up or walking through a busy mall during the holidays. I know first hand negativity breeds negativity but during these times I never admitted it and thought I was content living life in this way.
Fast forward to today. My friend felt terrible that her 2 year old got a hold of a red crayon and drew on my couch. I hadn’t seen it yet but said don’t worry about it. When I walked in I giggled and said oh look he legit drew Auntie a picture. It was another defining moment where I realized I am learning to let go of that unnecessary anger. Just like negativity; positivity breeds positivity. That shit is great! To think I just can choose not to get mad over something that is already done and can’t be changed. Well shit! Life goes on, and I choose to go along happily. There are still times I get a bit negative like when someone rides my ass on the freeway or drives like a moron I may throw up a finger with no class, but hey remember I am far from perfect and a long way from where I used to be, so don’t sweat the small stuff in life because there’s a bright side to everything if you’re willing to change your perspective.
I have a major toothache, I can’t remember the last time I had an amazing nights sleep, and of course I have gotten a lot done but not everything. Did I mention I’m a single mom who runs a household full of teenagers and not only is it 3 nights to the pageant but it is the end of the school year and month which means crazy schedules and usual month end errands.
It seems when we think its too much you get a sign and boom your like heck no “I got this!” I had already seen my article for the Abby News online, but once in print it was such a boost of confidence that I am indeed doing what I am meant to. The people that reached out, who shared my article, who sent words of inspiration are my tribe. The people who are inspired by me but also inspire me. It’s a great cycle to be a part of.
Of course there are some peoples support that I wish I was receiving, but I always need to remember that people come into our lives for three things; a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Some reasons plain suck, but if you look closely you’ll see the lesson and when you can find the lesson you can grow. Like learning not all people have your back or are as honest as they say they are. I can’t change the world, or anyone for that matter, but I can improve myself and inspire change in others. And I’m not talking changing who people are, but changing what we are about. Living a purposeful life, being the change we seek in the world, just plain being badass! Why live day in and day out doing the ordinary when we can do the extraordinary and make the world a better place.
Anxiety… This is my life on a daily. Worrying. Overthinking. It is simply exhausting, and here I am pushing through it because the alternative isn’t rewarding. I have spent so many years debilitated by other peoples opinions of me that I was trapped in this never ending cycle of trying to perfect myself.
I came to realize recently that I have formed some unusual bonds with people. People who did not like the old me, or had a skewed idea of who I was. It is this new path in life that has given me more friends than I know what to do with. To feel fulfilled by my tribe is a wonderful feeling, and I owe it all to my sobriety. Without sobriety I would still be hiding behind those big brick walls I spent years building. To think I started laying these bricks down as a young toddler.
A girlfriend said to me the other day that she remembered me as a mouthy girl. One with a bad attitude. Looking back I remember that girl and she was simply trying to fit in, yet was always thinking everyone hated her so she showed attention how she was taught. Violence and fighting. Now fast forward to today and the thought of confrontation scares me. Without those walls and booze I am actually a really kind loving person.
A reminder that everyone has a story, and some of them are really heartbreaking. I will not sit here and think about how I could have been a better if life was different because its not. I am not perfect nor will I pretend to be; I am a bit of a princess though. So yea, I am a bit of a hard person with a thick shell that can take a lot of shit, but I no longer need to. You are in my life, or you are not. So to all those people who have stuck by my side, and to all those that have come back around and all of you newcomers who say I inspire you THANK YOU! Thank you for believing in me, for understanding me and for pushing me to excellence. For the haters, y’all need to dig deep inside yourself and figure out your own stuff because I can guarantee when your liking a fulfilled life you will stop hating on others.
Check back tomorrow to see what else needs to get off my chest.
I sit here just before bed making lists upon lists of what I need to get done with only 6 sleeps until pageant weekend. A weekend jam packed with rehearsals and everything required to compete. As a single mom these lists are making me wonder what kind of crazy was I when I decided to apply for a pageant. Me! In a pageant! I am not going to lie I am freaking out. There is a lot to prepare for, and as a procrastinator I am of course getting a late start. Then of course it is the last week of school with my son recieving an award, year end activities, end of the month shopping, cleaning… there is constant cleaning when running a household… and finishing my chapter that will be in the second Sacred Hearts Rising Book.
So, back to me being crazy. Since I was 14 I always thought I was too fat and I thought I was an awkward looking girl. As I grew into a young woman I compared myself to all my friends and I was never happy with what I had for body and looks. How sad as I look back at how some of us portray ourselves. Being molested as a child I never had worth for myself, and this has shown throughout my life. I chose men who never complimented me, and my worth dwindled through every failed relationship. Every time I was put down by a boyfriend I would agree with them. It saddens me how I fell into being a compliant girlfriend who believed I could not achieve better in a relationship and my life. I enjoyed the rush of fighting, yelling and I even enjoyed the times I was beaten. Violence was normal to me and I was caught in the abyss of the family cycle; the one that takes determination and a strong mind to get out of.
There’s a saying I remember hearing often ”honesty is the best policy” and so I bare myself leading up to this pageant and throughout with the determination to continue blogging regularly and to get the F out of this funk. My truth is I had a week where all I did was sleep. I was depressed. I wasn’t sad or happy just tired. Raising teenagers as a single mom is one thing, but raising ones when your not even 2 years sober is a whole other kind of parenting. One, I didn’t learn how to love in a normal way by the people who should have protected me, so I am essentially learning how to parent from scratch. Party mom was unreliable, moody and selfish. Two, I am constantly proving to myself and my children that I am strong enough to continue on this path I have chosen. Sometimes I feel defeated by the damage I have caused by being reckless and not thinking about the consequences. I really hope someone is reading this who needs to hear this. We can rise!!
I enter this week with a fresh way of thinking. I no longer need to worry about my looks and my body size because that is not what this pageant is about, or life for that matter. Today I embrace my size and am actually quite happy with many of my attributes. I am not perfect and only strive to be the best me I know how to be. It is what I offer the world that makes me special, and to those like me who have self doubt, anxiety, depression or anything that holds you back from trying I am positive you can overcome it with the right attitude, supportive tribe and determination. I am passionate about helping build others up to build strong communities. To reach dreams thought impossible.
I joined this pageant for added confidence, to embrace my beauty (we are all beautiful) and to spread awareness. I am sure I will not be the only nervous one, and I am positive that my best will be good enough. Winning is not everything in my book either; I believe every moment, decision and effort is a lesson. I will take away from this experience and continue to inspire others to Stand up, Rise up and Show up.