Why must we carry secrets? You’d be very surprised how secrets are not secrets to everyone. I cannot explain enough the power of communication. Communicating can be one of the hardest things you’ll do in life, but if you can master it at the most uncomfortable of times you have it figured out. No more misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
So, here is a piece of my shame story. When my husband and I got together he was going through a hard time in his life, and I was barely healed from a 8 year long abusive relationship. The kind of relationship where I figured I was a waste of skin, and deserved everything I was given. You wonder why people don’t leave abusive relationships? Because we believe that is all we deserve. So, needless to say we were two broken people and we were like magnets to each other. The passion we had for each other. The understanding of one another. Although we partied much to hard for much to long we had each other’s backs and came out ahead in the end.
Well when we got together someone added me to that nasty Dirty website. Don’t pretend you don’t know which one, and don’t fool me by saying you haven’t seen it! It’s there for life. Someone felt the need to shame me for my drinking and drug use at the time, and along with that calling me horrible names that made me feel completely worthless. Remember I just left 8 years of being told I was ugly like my Mother, to be told publicly online I was a pig and a chug. My children were even called monsters. My shame level went completely on overload.
Now whoever did that added to my shame. I knew I partied too much, but what they didn’t know was why I’ve numbed myself since I was 14. Shaming someone only does more damage. Instead of putting me down for my wrong doings I could’ve used some words of wisdom, some shoulders to cry on, and some all around understanding. No one in my family noticed, and no one came knocking on my door with open arms.
I finally got sober on my own after much loss and pain. It was then that my shame started to hinder my living. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t motivated, I simply didn’t know what my point was in this world. When I started opening up about my secrets I started to feel better. When I talked about what happened to me I not only became free I inspired other people to message me with their stories. Now this is not a glamourous lifestyle and I cry almost daily, but I am passionate about it.
I have waited for so many years to be accepted into my adoptive family, and every year I wait I am hurt more. To be told to just move on hurts, and to think there is a chance I made this up is absurd. To think I should dangle myself on a string waiting for apologies to be accepted is something I used to do. To be told no help will be given in my case is my last straw, and to think I am looking for sympathy is disgusting. I have felt gross and disgusting my entire life, but for the first time I feel beautiful, strong, and plain badass!! For those who dislike me without even knowing me I am sorry you are so closed minded.
I never said anything because I was afraid. I was afraid of losing a lifestyle, and being homeless as a little child. I was afraid of being beat and no one believing me. I was afraid of getting him in trouble. I was afraid of being dirty.
I however am not saying sorry for using my voice. What if it was your little child? Wouldn’t you want justice?