My favourite F word is actually…..

FOOD!!!! I love thinking about it, obsessing about it, preparing it, cooking it and of course indulging in it. The thing about food is we need it to live. Some people eat to live, and others (like me) live to eat. For the first group of people food is fuel to energize their bodies to get them through life. The latter, my group, eat food for everything but fuel. I eat food to celebrate, to socialize, to fill a void and to make myself feel better. I have struggled with food my entire life.

So, my Mom was a terrible cook and I seriously despised everything she made me. Scrambled eggs out of a empty margarine container microwaved anyone? Yea, I’ll pass too!! My Grandmother however, was a fabulous cook and like most Grandmothers she cooked with love, which also meant lots of butter and other scrumptious things like sugar and fat. Think scalloped potatoes on the regular, Yorkshire puddings and gravies. There was always ice cream dates and I was never forced to drink water. Grandma always had the good juice and a Costco sized tub of Peppermint Patties. Grandma loved me and she showed me with money and food!! Then there’s the period of time I lived with my Step-Father, boy oh boy that man couldn’t cook if his life depended on it. For years I ate Mcdonald’s and Dennys and not on occasion I am talking every single day. We were known by name at both places in Walnut Grove and we didn’t even need a menu, as I knew that thing from front to back. Then there’s the time I travelled Canada with the carnival; think deep fried everything!!

As I had my own children and lived on my own I had to start feeding myself. I like to eat out, and if I do cook I don’t eat very healthy choices. I am addicted to food. The thing is once I start thinking about eating something I want (like nachos or chicken wings) I begin to obsess, and no it doesn’t pass like when I want a cigarette. For example, say I want MR. Mikes. First I start to think what I want from there, and then what it will taste like, and then where the place is and me going there, and the only thing to satisfy this obsession is to go there and eat it. As I have been trying to change though and I indulge in these obsessions I realize after I could have gone without and I would have survived. We are built to survive you know.

Food is so readily available. There was a time my ancestors hunted and gathered their food. I’m sure they did not eat what they wanted when they wanted, but instead worked hard for it and shared it amongst the tribe.

Like everything else in life we have choices. I’m sick of gaining weight. I’m not happy being almost 250 lbs and I sure as heck want to see my children have children of their own. I remember pre-children when I was 140 lbs and I looked in a mirror and thought “man I am fat” ugh to only go back and tell my thin self to love myself more and to dig deep for that self love and self respect.

I am on day 5 of intermittent fasting for my second time. The first time I made it a few weeks when I met a guy who broke me down. It has taken me 5 months to love myself again enough to put me first. Why intermittent-fasting? Because Keto is for crazy people, and I’m crazy for carbs. Why not just eat healthy? Because when I do that it is all or nothing. If I have a cheat day I get all obsessed and have a cheat week putting me into a cycle of failure where I just eat more to feel better until it has been 5 months again and nothing has changed except I have gained another 20 lbs.

with I-F I am able to control my obsessions because I can tell myself that in so many hours I can go hard. When it is time to go hard I actually don’t. I may choose to eat crappy but then I feel run down. My time is now. Your time is now.

Decisions, decisions.

XX

Badass Bon

He loves me, he loves me not

Have you ever told someone you love them and they don’t say it back? Well last night this happened to me and guess what? Nothing, thats what. I wasn’t upset and hurt because it was followed by a reasonable explanation. One, I probably shouldn’t have spit it out after having a few drinks with friends, and I had texted it one time before, but I have been feeling “in love” for a little bit now. The great part is that this relationship has been so normal it is everything I have never experienced before in my entire life. There is no rush to say the big L word and I have been just fine saying the like word instead.

Your probably thinking wth he didn’t say it back!? Hahahaha, its okay calm down, I am glad he didn’t because when he says it (and I know he will) it will be special and mean more than it would have last night. Here’s the thing. He knows my entire past; the sex addict in me, the past party girl lifestyle, the sexual abuse and the fact I allowed myself to be a door mat to multiple people in my life. He sees me struggle with my children, and I allow myself to be disrespected out of fear of rejection from them. I walk on eggshells and sometimes give up because I have no more fight in me. That one unit parent thing……. it is a tough gig! Sometimes I will allow one of my kids to trample me down just so I don’t have to deal with the attitude. Guess what? It’s not a sexy attribute to watch your woman be a door mat, nor is it a great way to teach the kids to be successful members of society.

So when I let me guard down and told him I truly loved him he said he knew. Here’s the thing, I know he knows because when he looks at me and I look at him it is evident. He can’t say it until I love myself enough to stop allowing people (anyone that is not just my children) to use me, manipulate me or push me to my breaking point. There’s more though. I am so content and secure in myself and this relationship I don’t need to say it again anytime soon, nor do I need validation in our relationship. I don’t see either one of us running away from each other anytime soon.

WOW!!! What growth I see in myself from that co-dependant scared woman afraid to be alone that I needed to spend every moment with my man to the powerful ever changing woman I am today.

Today when I asked one of my children to do something it was followed by complete disobedience, and everything I said was turned around to make me out as if I was “trying to start a fight,” and it clicked!!! This was what he meant! I would typically give in to demands and be left feeling undefeated and more like the child than the parent. I want respect from my children and love from my man. I stuck to my guns and after my child realized I was not giving in to the bulldozing techniques gave in and did what was asked.

So you understand what I was asking for was nothing like child labour or to scrub toilets with a toothbrush! I asked for the bedroom to be moved to the opposite side of the basement so I no longer had to endure rap music late at night or giggling. You see, the kids have a room that is about the size of two living rooms with a fire place, and if they want these luxuries they need to pitch in and be a part of a functioning household. At first I was told I could do it hahahahaha yea no!

Does this mean he loves me now? Ah, no. However, it is a step in the right direction to standing up for myself and being the parent I know I can be.

As for our travels, thank goodness we did laundry yesterday because on our way back home today the wheel bearing blew in the truck leaving us halfway between Edmonton and Edson in -26 degree weather and no tow truck willing to come tow. Defeat? Nope! We drove 3 hours back towards Edmonton making it to Spruce Grove driving an average of 30 km an hour so we can get it fixed tomorrow (fingers crossed!)

Now for a check in on gratitude and mood. I am so fucking happy! I am happy to be with a man that looks me deep in my eyes and I can feel how he feels about me, and I am happy to be here in this moment keeping him company during a dreadfully long drive. I am grateful to have woken up today because the alternative sucks! And I am grateful the bearing blew and not the tire falling off or something terribly worse where one of us could have been hurt. Trucks are fixable.

That is all I have for you tonight. Until next time.

XX Badass Bon

Sometimes life just isn’t fair

Do I start with the good or the bad?

Let’s start with the good, then the bad and then I’ll sandwich it with some more good. It always goes down better that way I think. Today was day 4 of no hair products and I broke down and bought a pair of sweat pants from Wal-Mart which isn’t too bad considering the princess status I have attached to my name. I honestly think I am becoming less of a princess every day I spend with my boyfriend. I am 100% certain I have not been this happy on the inside in a very long time. The last time I was glowing like this was on three occasions and they were during each pregnancy. This guy has my heart in each way I could possibly give it.

I would also like to do a huge shout out to Cold Lake’s Mamacita’s restaurant for having the best Mexican food I have enjoyed in a very long time. I even tried something unlike Bonnie, and ordered something completely different from what I normally would have ordered. Let me just say, Cold Lake I am very surprised at your quality Mexican food for being a non Mexican place. Take Abbotsford for example, we have many Mexican people in the city and not one notably great Mexican place to eat on our side of the border. Go to the states and they are on every corner.

Now, the not so great. Have you ever felt like a failure of a parent? Well you are not alone!!! Raising children is hard work; raising children as a one parent unit even harder; raising children from a dysfunctional family and no idea how to parent is the hardest fucking job in the whole world!! You can disagree all you want, but until you’ve done it don’t even attempt to argue with me. I know I am not the greatest parent, but I do give it my all and try the best I can. I don’t know how to communicate with bitchy teenagers, and I am an emotional wreck on a good day. Watching my children struggle is hard on me, and I am completely lost at what to do. I know I am supposed to be “the adult” but lets emphasize barely…… My boyfriend says he is here to build me up, and he hates watching me be torn down by anyone let alone teenagers.

What is the hardest is being told how to parent your children. If I am hard for taking away the wifi for skipping school, or I’m a terrible parent for expecting respect in my household then what constitutes a good parent? I know I ignore some issues for the fact conflict is uncomfortable, but sometimes I just try to save an argument. Apparently I am on this luxurious vacation enjoying time from my responsibilities, but let me say that if I wanted luxury time away from my life Cold Lake Alberta would not be my first destination! Between a flat tire issue, a boat full of 1000 pounds of ice and a blizzard coming our way with an estimated 40 cm of snow for our journey home I am far from “enjoying” my self like some thing. Here’s the thing, I am enjoying myself, but for different reasons.

1. I get to wake up after 9am.

2. My boyfriend and I are really getting to know one another.

3. I don’t have a million things going at once and I can just breathe.

4. I have space to just be.

Sometimes we need this time to breathe. I am a one parent unit doing the best I possibly can, and I know I’m not doing a 100% perfect job. My kids have a beautiful home to live in, they are fed well (even though they may complain it isn’t what they want), the bills are paid giving them heat, hot water, water for that matter and electricity.

I have had some time to think, and I am ready to attack this parenting thing head on.

I have one night left here, and then it’s our time to leave back for BC during a blizzard and back to reality. All I can say is “this too shall pass” and for all you struggling parents out there breathe life can’t be hard all the time I believe.

Now to sandwich hahahaha. Check out these cool planes on the Military Base.

Until next time followers.

Xoxo Badass Bon

We still like each other

Day two of our adventures and I haven’t froze to death…. yet! Not a lot happened. We drove lots, met some of my boyfriends friends and had a minor hiccup on our journey. When we got to the airport in Lloydminster to return the rental car the tire popped on the boat trailer. We went to Kal-Tire and unfortunately they did not have one to replace ours. With only an hour to find one I started to have some negative thoughts cross my mind like great we wont find one, or we will be stuck here the night, or, or fuck that shit!! I put my hands out to the windshield and I said “Universe, I have been good to you and in return you have been good to me in the last two years, so give us a break. We are going to drive to Canadian Tire and you will have a tire there for us because you take care of those that need taking care of.” Scoff if you may, negative thinking has never served me well. Positive thinking however has changed my life. Guess who bought the last tire in our size on the shelf? Us of course!

So I manifested some shit and it worked out.

I have had a lot of time to think today and I have happily come to think I manifested my boyfriend too. I was ready. He came out of nowhere and on our drive I really looked at him. Deeply. His quirks, his humour and his thought process and damn do I like him. A little bit, hahahaha more like a lot a bit but who’s paying attention. To think I can be where I am today after allowing men to spit on me, hit me, threaten me and strip me of my human nature. If you are reading this and think life can’t get any worse it can! You have choice in life. Stay down or get the fuck up. Staying down for me meant death and destruction. Today I am happy.

I’m going to leave you with this tonight. Positive thinking leaves to positive living. Get out of your own way.

xoxo Badass Bon

I’m sorry

When your driving for hours with someone who doesn’t listen to music you have a lot of time to think. With all this thinking comes realization. I am realizing I have a long way to go to becoming the best me I can be. This actually excites me!! This means I have so much growth and a lifetime to do it. I have no intention of dying soon, but we are not promised tomorrow, so I blog my journey with the world because if I am not here to encourage; my past will always be here to read. I hope that my vulnerability and truth opens the door to other people who are afraid of stepping out fully in the world.

No more excuses! I am the way I am for a multitude of reasons. Like my choice in past relationships. I saw violence and I endured it because that was my normal. I don’t hug my kids often enough for a deep down fear I shouldn’t touch them (only a survivor of child molestation could deeply understand this), and then there is my love for yelling. Although I cower when voices rise that only lasts for a moment and then the inner fighter comes out. Here’s the thing though, I want to be a fighter but not that type of fighter. I am ashamed I used to fight people, punch people, hurt people and be undeniably one of the meanest persons I know of. My words cut deeper than a knife and I would feel good inside for making someone feel as bad as I truly felt. That is not okay.

I have talked shit behind peoples backs, rolled my eyes when discussing others troubles and laughed at others for their struggles. This is not something I have done to many people, but even to do this to one person is way too many. When did this world become so unconnected? When did it become okay to break each other down? There are always going to be bad people in the world, but as one who has been hurt by so many how could I go on and do the same? It’s that cycle I have always talked about, and it so easily creeps back in that you don’t even realize it. Here’s the thing though, no one wants to continually hear my poor me past! People want to know how I got over my past and rose up to be this BADASS woman I have become! I have had a light bulb moment of clarity which has catapulted me into complete awareness.

I no longer want to live in the shadows of my past. I no longer want to rent the space in my head to my past abusers. And I certainly am done being depressed and feeling completely worthless. Isn’t it crazy how fast things change? I had this mindset before and lost it. I believe it was when I was with my ex this past summer when he continually jabbed his index finger into my forehead demanding to know what my fucking problem was and why I couldn’t just get over everything. He was hurting me and when I started shaking and crying he was happy he 100% controlled me in that moment. Almost instantly everything I had previously been told negatively about myself crept back in and it became my truth. I told him I was a waste of skin and I was sorry for being so stupid. I quit all my speaking gigs that I had booked and he deleted all my social media accounts. Just like that, in a snap of a finger, in a blink of an eye he controlled me and I allowed it. Why? Because I was lonely and who else would want to make a life with a broken girl like myself?

These thoughts are all non truths. We tell ourselves this to “survive” and just “live,” but this is not true living. I’m done lying and ready to start living 100%.

Oh ya!! What about this trip to Alberta you might be wondering? Well it is going great. I slept absolutely great last night with my boyfriend who made me feel safe. I didn’t dream, so no rem sleep (totally my norm), but I fell asleep easily and slept through the night other than my usual bathroom trips. We are off for an adventure today, so don’t be surprised for a quick blog tonight with my ventures.

In closing, my Grandma taught me this saying that I swear almost everyone was raised on “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.” I not only challenge myself to this, but I challenge you all to do this as well. You don’t know others struggles and until you are walking in their shoes you don’t know how hard they have it. If someone isn’t being graceful lets help them be graceful. I think we live in a world where we walk on egg shells. I would much rather be told I am wrong than to be left to continue being wrong.

Travelling light

Hi! I am Bonnie, a complete princess who doesn’t like to get her hands dirty and takes pride in her looks even when in sweats and a messy bun. My previous relationships have consisted of bums, drug addicts, abusive narcissistic assholes and uninspired leaches (sorry? Not really). Some were not that terrible, but our paths crossed at wrong times, and I can’t save everyone nor should I be in a relationship with a man that needs saving. Today I have a boyfriend who is EVERYTHING I could ask for but nothing I was ever looking for.

We met on a dating site and within the hour we were meeting for coffee. We didn’t have our first kiss until date 3ish and didn’t hit the sheets until the 4th. He swept me off my feet the way a lady should be. He took me on dates, kissed me in the rain and told me I am so fucking beautiful. And guess what!!? I believed him! Not like the other guys where I wanted to believe him, but deep down in the pit of my stomach knew he was the one.

There was some hesitation though, and let me point out none of these should have mattered but my whole life I have been somewhat superficial. He didn’t care what he looked like, he didn’t spend stupid amount of time gelling his hair, he worked hard (and by hard I mean this man will work 40+ days straight), he doesn’t wear flashy clothing or jewelry and has not a single tattoo. He has a licence AND his own vehicle. Oh my god right!!!

Some of you may say, well duh he sounds like a normal guy. Well please remember my life has been far from normal. I grew up seeing blood, knives, broken bottles, teeth knocked out and the love language I learnt was being touched at a far too young age by my step father. My idea of a normal man was pretty skewed.

So back to today. It’s been almost two months with my new beau and he asked me to travel with him to Alberta to meet his friends (pretty big deal right?) and to drive back with him. My first thought was fuck yea!!! This momma needs a break from the kids. Btw kids, if your reading this your momma loves you more than anything, but being a single mom means I need to plug in and power myself back up and to do that I need a break to recharge.

So off to cold ass Alberta I go. BUT WAIT!!!! My boyfriend didn’t get this far in life without being savvy with his money. I call him cheap hahaha, he says he’s smart, and to be completely honest I agree with him and am learning slowly how to not only travel light but live light (aside from my lashes, those bad boys are staying). Our flights from Abbotsford BC to Edmonton AB was only $39!! Hmmmm whats the catch?? Uhhm, that doesn’t include luggage, and when he said we were traveling with only a personal bag with the dimensions of 13x16x6 I saw this as a challenge and said BRING IT ON!!! This princess can do ANYTHING!!!

Well, I am in Alberta, I have no pyjamas (who sleeps in them anyways when the children aren’t around) and will alternate between one pair of nice leggings and my jeans. 3 pairs of panties, 1 bra, 1 sports bra, 3 pairs of socks, brush, toothbrush, two hair ties, minimal makeup that fit into a tiny pouch, iPad, two books, shakes, shaker bottle and my vitamins. Essentials. Everything I packed I absolutely could not leave without. This all fit into my big tote/travel purse.

I’m wondering how life will be without my straightener, moisturizer, hair products, face creams, sweatpants, hoodies, bronzers and whatever else I would have normally packed on a trip. Guess you’ll find out along the way like I will because I’ll be blogging this journey until home because not only is this about travelling light but about travelling with a man that I really like and who I think really likes me back. How will this go? Will he see the side of me he hasn’t yet? Will I get annoyed with the fact he doesn’t really listen to music? Or do opposites truly attract and it will be an experience that will set the tune for our relationship. Only time will tell.

Lastly, he made it work for me to meet up with my very close friend who I consider a sister. She was in Edmonton for the week and he brought me to her. If only for 30 minutes it meant the world to us both. He is the farthest thing from selfish and I can be the most selfish person at times. Almost worth saying love, but we’re not there yet, because this is normal and normal takes time. I also met his step-daughter and his best friends tonight. So far so good. A 10/10 for day one.

The journey is lifelong

“True belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” ~ Brene Brown

I have been reading the book Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown, and it all makes so much sense to me. My whole life I have been craving attention and acceptance but all in the wrong way. I am starting to realize I am not as authentic as I say I am. Are any of us? In order to fully ditch the shame one must fully accept their mistakes and move forward.

I’ve come to realize I can be a shitty friend and person. I say I am drama free and I came across this quote “Some people are not addicted to drama, they truly just do not know how to move through their pain and let-go” ~Bryant McGill I want to be drama free but I am not sure I know how. I create drama because chaos is all I know. To unlearn a life of mistakes I must be even stronger than ever before.

I also came across this quote that really resonated with me “Sorry I’m a shitty friend. Sometimes I forget I exist outside my head” ~Author Unknown I have been so involved in my own shit I have forgotten about those around me.

Communication has got to be one of the hardest things for me. Just sitting here communicating through writing has me in tears because it brings up so much anxiety for me. We first learn how to communicate by watching those around us as babies and our younger years. What I learnt was that when I speak I get yelled at or beaten. I learnt that asking for attention got me grounded. I learnt to be a drama queen and get attention from others turning me into a spoiled brat. My fear of what would happen when seeking approval carried on into my adult life. Even in my early twenties I was afraid to ask my Grandma for anything in person (even though she rarely ever said no to me) and I would leave her notes. Rarely do I communicate face to face. Now we text, post and blog which is great for someone like me who is afraid of rejection and disapproval.

The sheer thought of being disagreed with face to face makes me scared. I get hot in the face, my palms sweat and then I fight back the tears. Reminds me of elementary school when if someone looked at me I would break down and cry leading me to be called a cry baby.

So with all this revelation and my book on braving the world I stand up and make a stand. I WILL break this cycle!! I WILL learn simple life skills I simply do not have yet, and I WILL succeed in being a happy and healed person. My journey will never be over!

XX Badass

My relationship with addiction

“October 16, 2016 is my birthday; the day I started to really live. In my first year of sobriety I came out publicly about my childhood, I owned my story……..” we get the point. Wtf happened that I decided to start drinking after over two years of not drinking? Looks like I had it all figured out right? WRONG!! Judging a book by its cover goes hand in hand with assumptions.

Well let’s first point out I am not doing drugs and drugs was my issue and alcohol is not a drug unless you are in the program, and yea lets add that I have said many times something along the lines of “you’ll never see me smoke a joint and crave a rail where alcohol I would” well lets call it what it is. Bullshit! I’m a people pleaser to the worst extent. I will change myself to be liked by as many people as possible. Here’s the thing though; you cant please everyone. That saying about weed and drinking was all because I was justifying my marijuana use.

So why was I justifying my weed smoking? It is legal now, and well it is BC where we got some of the best weed ever (I have no facts on this but lets just agree on this) and almost everyone smokes (again speculation lol). When I quit partying I pretty much gave up my social life too and as a huge people person who thrives on human interaction I was missing something. I started going to meetings to make new friends and figure our sober life. Guess what though…… Smoking weed is not kosher in the recovery life. Well there goes that idea. So I just became a hermit and smoked a shit ton of weed. Like enough weed to call it a problem.

So cocaine and drinking to excessive pot smoking.

Then I started this local challenge called the Total Makeover Challenge www.totalmakeoverchallenge.com and the weed smoking paired with binge eating alone took over. This is the first time I have mentioned the binge eating, which I barely do anymore. 2017 was an epic year!! I was coming out of my shell and owning my life and my past and moving forward, but was living this lie of an unhappy marriage and forcing sobriety on my husband. When he left I was like yes!!! I can drink again!!! I was too afraid of other peoples opinions that I started over justifying why I was sober. I would excessively put myself down and only bring up the bad memories to remind myself I had to be sober to live this good life. Remember I grew up pretending and I am really really good at it.

2018 was not as great of a year. I had some successes, but I was lost as a person. Still sober though guys so life is great right? Wrong!! My addiction was now sex and acceptance. I will save my year breakdown for a book, and trust me it will be juicy, raw and hilarious. Between the game playing, ghosting, chasers, cheaters, occasional nice guys and all around fucktards it will be a read you wont want to put down. I will say this though…….

It all comes down to addiction “behaviour is reinforcing (rewarding or pleasurable), loss of control in limiting intake.”

Well then don’t worry guys! I’m only addicted to sex, drugs and food.

If your friend says “I had a tough day and I am going to wind down with a glass of wine” do you jump and say “but you drank a glass yesterday” or “that scares me” btw if you think someone has an actual problem I insist you have a gentle conversation with them. Maybe I shouldn’t have a glass of wine while blogging, or have a few drinks celebrating the New Year but thats my choice as an adult to make.

Tonight I enjoyed about 8 oz of wine while cleaning out my new office and blogging. Doesn’t seem too counterproductive to me.

I am not justifying my choices, but instead offering people an insight. When you’ve lived through the shit I have lived through it is sheer will and determination that I am not doing much worse than I am. I seek change and if people out there can relate with me and be vulnerable or at least be less hard on themselves my work is done. I have chosen to be easy on myself in 2019 and I really hope you will follow suit.

XX Badass

Bring on the New Year with all new perspective.

Never fails does it!? That saying “can’t teach an old dog new tricks” kind of reminds me of my life! I take on so much that when I get overwhelmed I just hide out until it all goes away, but does it “go away” no! It just becomes more stuff to do and some things I have to let go. Being a “normal” person is hard work!! As Badass as I am, I still have so much to deal with and learn.

This past year has been one for the record books, but I intend on having a better year in 2019. 2018 showed me what I am capable of and to slow it down. It is not a race to a finish line. It’s my life! Those shitty men I was surrounding myself with…. Gone! The impulsive behaviour, like getting a dog,….. in check! All the Askholes? Gone!! This is my year to grow my family ties deeper and to grow as a person on the inside.

All these hardships this year come down to how I feel about myself. Now that I am aware of that I can change it. I don’t need to be who you want me to be, but I will be who I am meant to be and that is understood and respected. I slept around some in this past year because I finally felt comfortable in my own skin to give myself to someone. Sadly, I was giving myself away for nothing in return. I have some great stories to share one day though, when I’m ready. The worst part of these adventures is that some people are such shamers. Just because I chose to act slutty doesn’t mean anyone gets to call me a slut. Sex shaming, parent shaming and all shaming in general is a shitty thing to do. Keep that shit to yourself thanks.

Then there’s comments like “Bonnie, your not ready for a relationship” or “Bonnie you need to put more effort into your kids” and a slew of other comments. My response? My life, my mistakes and my journey to growth. I grew up being talked to like this and it can stop anytime thanks!

So here it is….. I have some news that personally is none of anyone’s business, but I did choose this life of public speaking and vulnerability. I. Have. A. Boyfriend. AND….. I have recently chosen to incorporate alcohol into my life.

It’s funny how other people drink and its okay. I choose to have a drink and omg Bonnie is making a mistake. I enjoyed sobriety for I feel it helped me get through some tough shit like my childhood molestation, but I quit to save my marriage because I was afraid of him leaving me. I have wanted to have a drink occasionally and am told by friends that I shouldn’t, or I can’t , or to be careful……… please do not throw stones in a glass house. Or be smarter and live in a normal house like I do where people make mistakes hahahaha.

Well thats all I got for now! I am hoping to start the new year with some great fucking content. Some funny shit and some stuff people don’t talk about because their scared of other peoples opinions. Well I am done hiding myself because of opinions. Join me on this side~

XX Badass

Not everyone is meant to like me.

Where have I been, you ask? In a dark corner wrapped up in a blanket making excuses thats where! Does this sound familiar to you? Well, you are not alone. I make excuses as to why I haven’t been working my business to it’s highest potential. Easy answer, because I wasn’t ready to 110% be authentic, yet everyone thinks I am. So, today I drop the excuses and level up on my authenticity.

After an incredible year of being sober, starting a tribe, becoming an author/speaker and so much more it seemed everything halted. Some people have noticed and others have not, but what matters is I noticed. Not only did I notice, but I knew the reason why. All I have ever wanted in life was to be accepted and loved. I would like to add respected, but I haven’t been respected much growing up and I’m not talking about the respect I earned from a not so legal lifestyle either. I wanted acceptance and I was getting that, but I was also allowing anyone into my life with not so much a second thought. I’ve learnt acceptance from unaccepting people is not what I want.

I have been used, abused and taken advantage of from boyfriends and so called friends in the last year. I allow it too. Because I am a people pleaser, and I give many chances until I finally get burned so bad I can’t even complain about it because I let it happen. I have been called out by people for being a horrible person that says horrible things because once I get burned I get mad. Not a little bit mad, but like threaten you mad. Not my proudest moment okay.

What can I do to not get in a place where I feel like a bad person? Well for starters I can start setting up boundaries and sticking to them. I like helping people, it is in my nature to help people, but I can only help those that are willing to help themselves through the process. I also have realized that if someone is not willing to help you it’s probably a good indication you should keep walking because someone else could really use the help and will return the favour if ever needed.

For example, I just had my 2 year sobriety birthday and I received two phone calls. That’s right. 2. Last year, I arranged for a 1 year celebration at my house. I was surrounded by great company and given speeches that made me cry with joy. I felt accepted 100%. This year I realized I put too much effort in making friends. I would much rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies. So, my 2 year sobriety was fast approaching and I didn’t plan a damn thing. I received my two phone calls that made me cry again because I am so fucking proud of myself. Those two phone calls meant much more to me than the hustle I put into accommodating others on my day. Yes, I received a generous amount of fb posts that day, but these two phone calls came from two people that knew my date because it is on their calendars, not because they were reminded by a post I posted. Quarters!

The day you stop living for others and start living for yourself is a great day. Being selfish is what sets the winners apart, and I mean selfish in I come first and foremost because when I am the best Bonnie I can be I get to reward myself by helping you.

I am becoming more Bonnie everyday.

Next up is owning who I am, and my defects.