Sometimes life just isn’t fair

Do I start with the good or the bad?

Let’s start with the good, then the bad and then I’ll sandwich it with some more good. It always goes down better that way I think. Today was day 4 of no hair products and I broke down and bought a pair of sweat pants from Wal-Mart which isn’t too bad considering the princess status I have attached to my name. I honestly think I am becoming less of a princess every day I spend with my boyfriend. I am 100% certain I have not been this happy on the inside in a very long time. The last time I was glowing like this was on three occasions and they were during each pregnancy. This guy has my heart in each way I could possibly give it.

I would also like to do a huge shout out to Cold Lake’s Mamacita’s restaurant for having the best Mexican food I have enjoyed in a very long time. I even tried something unlike Bonnie, and ordered something completely different from what I normally would have ordered. Let me just say, Cold Lake I am very surprised at your quality Mexican food for being a non Mexican place. Take Abbotsford for example, we have many Mexican people in the city and not one notably great Mexican place to eat on our side of the border. Go to the states and they are on every corner.

Now, the not so great. Have you ever felt like a failure of a parent? Well you are not alone!!! Raising children is hard work; raising children as a one parent unit even harder; raising children from a dysfunctional family and no idea how to parent is the hardest fucking job in the whole world!! You can disagree all you want, but until you’ve done it don’t even attempt to argue with me. I know I am not the greatest parent, but I do give it my all and try the best I can. I don’t know how to communicate with bitchy teenagers, and I am an emotional wreck on a good day. Watching my children struggle is hard on me, and I am completely lost at what to do. I know I am supposed to be “the adult” but lets emphasize barely…… My boyfriend says he is here to build me up, and he hates watching me be torn down by anyone let alone teenagers.

What is the hardest is being told how to parent your children. If I am hard for taking away the wifi for skipping school, or I’m a terrible parent for expecting respect in my household then what constitutes a good parent? I know I ignore some issues for the fact conflict is uncomfortable, but sometimes I just try to save an argument. Apparently I am on this luxurious vacation enjoying time from my responsibilities, but let me say that if I wanted luxury time away from my life Cold Lake Alberta would not be my first destination! Between a flat tire issue, a boat full of 1000 pounds of ice and a blizzard coming our way with an estimated 40 cm of snow for our journey home I am far from “enjoying” my self like some thing. Here’s the thing, I am enjoying myself, but for different reasons.

1. I get to wake up after 9am.

2. My boyfriend and I are really getting to know one another.

3. I don’t have a million things going at once and I can just breathe.

4. I have space to just be.

Sometimes we need this time to breathe. I am a one parent unit doing the best I possibly can, and I know I’m not doing a 100% perfect job. My kids have a beautiful home to live in, they are fed well (even though they may complain it isn’t what they want), the bills are paid giving them heat, hot water, water for that matter and electricity.

I have had some time to think, and I am ready to attack this parenting thing head on.

I have one night left here, and then it’s our time to leave back for BC during a blizzard and back to reality. All I can say is “this too shall pass” and for all you struggling parents out there breathe life can’t be hard all the time I believe.

Now to sandwich hahahaha. Check out these cool planes on the Military Base.

Until next time followers.

Xoxo Badass Bon

We still like each other

Day two of our adventures and I haven’t froze to death…. yet! Not a lot happened. We drove lots, met some of my boyfriends friends and had a minor hiccup on our journey. When we got to the airport in Lloydminster to return the rental car the tire popped on the boat trailer. We went to Kal-Tire and unfortunately they did not have one to replace ours. With only an hour to find one I started to have some negative thoughts cross my mind like great we wont find one, or we will be stuck here the night, or, or fuck that shit!! I put my hands out to the windshield and I said “Universe, I have been good to you and in return you have been good to me in the last two years, so give us a break. We are going to drive to Canadian Tire and you will have a tire there for us because you take care of those that need taking care of.” Scoff if you may, negative thinking has never served me well. Positive thinking however has changed my life. Guess who bought the last tire in our size on the shelf? Us of course!

So I manifested some shit and it worked out.

I have had a lot of time to think today and I have happily come to think I manifested my boyfriend too. I was ready. He came out of nowhere and on our drive I really looked at him. Deeply. His quirks, his humour and his thought process and damn do I like him. A little bit, hahahaha more like a lot a bit but who’s paying attention. To think I can be where I am today after allowing men to spit on me, hit me, threaten me and strip me of my human nature. If you are reading this and think life can’t get any worse it can! You have choice in life. Stay down or get the fuck up. Staying down for me meant death and destruction. Today I am happy.

I’m going to leave you with this tonight. Positive thinking leaves to positive living. Get out of your own way.

xoxo Badass Bon

I’m sorry

When your driving for hours with someone who doesn’t listen to music you have a lot of time to think. With all this thinking comes realization. I am realizing I have a long way to go to becoming the best me I can be. This actually excites me!! This means I have so much growth and a lifetime to do it. I have no intention of dying soon, but we are not promised tomorrow, so I blog my journey with the world because if I am not here to encourage; my past will always be here to read. I hope that my vulnerability and truth opens the door to other people who are afraid of stepping out fully in the world.

No more excuses! I am the way I am for a multitude of reasons. Like my choice in past relationships. I saw violence and I endured it because that was my normal. I don’t hug my kids often enough for a deep down fear I shouldn’t touch them (only a survivor of child molestation could deeply understand this), and then there is my love for yelling. Although I cower when voices rise that only lasts for a moment and then the inner fighter comes out. Here’s the thing though, I want to be a fighter but not that type of fighter. I am ashamed I used to fight people, punch people, hurt people and be undeniably one of the meanest persons I know of. My words cut deeper than a knife and I would feel good inside for making someone feel as bad as I truly felt. That is not okay.

I have talked shit behind peoples backs, rolled my eyes when discussing others troubles and laughed at others for their struggles. This is not something I have done to many people, but even to do this to one person is way too many. When did this world become so unconnected? When did it become okay to break each other down? There are always going to be bad people in the world, but as one who has been hurt by so many how could I go on and do the same? It’s that cycle I have always talked about, and it so easily creeps back in that you don’t even realize it. Here’s the thing though, no one wants to continually hear my poor me past! People want to know how I got over my past and rose up to be this BADASS woman I have become! I have had a light bulb moment of clarity which has catapulted me into complete awareness.

I no longer want to live in the shadows of my past. I no longer want to rent the space in my head to my past abusers. And I certainly am done being depressed and feeling completely worthless. Isn’t it crazy how fast things change? I had this mindset before and lost it. I believe it was when I was with my ex this past summer when he continually jabbed his index finger into my forehead demanding to know what my fucking problem was and why I couldn’t just get over everything. He was hurting me and when I started shaking and crying he was happy he 100% controlled me in that moment. Almost instantly everything I had previously been told negatively about myself crept back in and it became my truth. I told him I was a waste of skin and I was sorry for being so stupid. I quit all my speaking gigs that I had booked and he deleted all my social media accounts. Just like that, in a snap of a finger, in a blink of an eye he controlled me and I allowed it. Why? Because I was lonely and who else would want to make a life with a broken girl like myself?

These thoughts are all non truths. We tell ourselves this to “survive” and just “live,” but this is not true living. I’m done lying and ready to start living 100%.

Oh ya!! What about this trip to Alberta you might be wondering? Well it is going great. I slept absolutely great last night with my boyfriend who made me feel safe. I didn’t dream, so no rem sleep (totally my norm), but I fell asleep easily and slept through the night other than my usual bathroom trips. We are off for an adventure today, so don’t be surprised for a quick blog tonight with my ventures.

In closing, my Grandma taught me this saying that I swear almost everyone was raised on “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.” I not only challenge myself to this, but I challenge you all to do this as well. You don’t know others struggles and until you are walking in their shoes you don’t know how hard they have it. If someone isn’t being graceful lets help them be graceful. I think we live in a world where we walk on egg shells. I would much rather be told I am wrong than to be left to continue being wrong.

Travelling light

Hi! I am Bonnie, a complete princess who doesn’t like to get her hands dirty and takes pride in her looks even when in sweats and a messy bun. My previous relationships have consisted of bums, drug addicts, abusive narcissistic assholes and uninspired leaches (sorry? Not really). Some were not that terrible, but our paths crossed at wrong times, and I can’t save everyone nor should I be in a relationship with a man that needs saving. Today I have a boyfriend who is EVERYTHING I could ask for but nothing I was ever looking for.

We met on a dating site and within the hour we were meeting for coffee. We didn’t have our first kiss until date 3ish and didn’t hit the sheets until the 4th. He swept me off my feet the way a lady should be. He took me on dates, kissed me in the rain and told me I am so fucking beautiful. And guess what!!? I believed him! Not like the other guys where I wanted to believe him, but deep down in the pit of my stomach knew he was the one.

There was some hesitation though, and let me point out none of these should have mattered but my whole life I have been somewhat superficial. He didn’t care what he looked like, he didn’t spend stupid amount of time gelling his hair, he worked hard (and by hard I mean this man will work 40+ days straight), he doesn’t wear flashy clothing or jewelry and has not a single tattoo. He has a licence AND his own vehicle. Oh my god right!!!

Some of you may say, well duh he sounds like a normal guy. Well please remember my life has been far from normal. I grew up seeing blood, knives, broken bottles, teeth knocked out and the love language I learnt was being touched at a far too young age by my step father. My idea of a normal man was pretty skewed.

So back to today. It’s been almost two months with my new beau and he asked me to travel with him to Alberta to meet his friends (pretty big deal right?) and to drive back with him. My first thought was fuck yea!!! This momma needs a break from the kids. Btw kids, if your reading this your momma loves you more than anything, but being a single mom means I need to plug in and power myself back up and to do that I need a break to recharge.

So off to cold ass Alberta I go. BUT WAIT!!!! My boyfriend didn’t get this far in life without being savvy with his money. I call him cheap hahaha, he says he’s smart, and to be completely honest I agree with him and am learning slowly how to not only travel light but live light (aside from my lashes, those bad boys are staying). Our flights from Abbotsford BC to Edmonton AB was only $39!! Hmmmm whats the catch?? Uhhm, that doesn’t include luggage, and when he said we were traveling with only a personal bag with the dimensions of 13x16x6 I saw this as a challenge and said BRING IT ON!!! This princess can do ANYTHING!!!

Well, I am in Alberta, I have no pyjamas (who sleeps in them anyways when the children aren’t around) and will alternate between one pair of nice leggings and my jeans. 3 pairs of panties, 1 bra, 1 sports bra, 3 pairs of socks, brush, toothbrush, two hair ties, minimal makeup that fit into a tiny pouch, iPad, two books, shakes, shaker bottle and my vitamins. Essentials. Everything I packed I absolutely could not leave without. This all fit into my big tote/travel purse.

I’m wondering how life will be without my straightener, moisturizer, hair products, face creams, sweatpants, hoodies, bronzers and whatever else I would have normally packed on a trip. Guess you’ll find out along the way like I will because I’ll be blogging this journey until home because not only is this about travelling light but about travelling with a man that I really like and who I think really likes me back. How will this go? Will he see the side of me he hasn’t yet? Will I get annoyed with the fact he doesn’t really listen to music? Or do opposites truly attract and it will be an experience that will set the tune for our relationship. Only time will tell.

Lastly, he made it work for me to meet up with my very close friend who I consider a sister. She was in Edmonton for the week and he brought me to her. If only for 30 minutes it meant the world to us both. He is the farthest thing from selfish and I can be the most selfish person at times. Almost worth saying love, but we’re not there yet, because this is normal and normal takes time. I also met his step-daughter and his best friends tonight. So far so good. A 10/10 for day one.

The journey is lifelong

“True belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” ~ Brene Brown

I have been reading the book Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown, and it all makes so much sense to me. My whole life I have been craving attention and acceptance but all in the wrong way. I am starting to realize I am not as authentic as I say I am. Are any of us? In order to fully ditch the shame one must fully accept their mistakes and move forward.

I’ve come to realize I can be a shitty friend and person. I say I am drama free and I came across this quote “Some people are not addicted to drama, they truly just do not know how to move through their pain and let-go” ~Bryant McGill I want to be drama free but I am not sure I know how. I create drama because chaos is all I know. To unlearn a life of mistakes I must be even stronger than ever before.

I also came across this quote that really resonated with me “Sorry I’m a shitty friend. Sometimes I forget I exist outside my head” ~Author Unknown I have been so involved in my own shit I have forgotten about those around me.

Communication has got to be one of the hardest things for me. Just sitting here communicating through writing has me in tears because it brings up so much anxiety for me. We first learn how to communicate by watching those around us as babies and our younger years. What I learnt was that when I speak I get yelled at or beaten. I learnt that asking for attention got me grounded. I learnt to be a drama queen and get attention from others turning me into a spoiled brat. My fear of what would happen when seeking approval carried on into my adult life. Even in my early twenties I was afraid to ask my Grandma for anything in person (even though she rarely ever said no to me) and I would leave her notes. Rarely do I communicate face to face. Now we text, post and blog which is great for someone like me who is afraid of rejection and disapproval.

The sheer thought of being disagreed with face to face makes me scared. I get hot in the face, my palms sweat and then I fight back the tears. Reminds me of elementary school when if someone looked at me I would break down and cry leading me to be called a cry baby.

So with all this revelation and my book on braving the world I stand up and make a stand. I WILL break this cycle!! I WILL learn simple life skills I simply do not have yet, and I WILL succeed in being a happy and healed person. My journey will never be over!

XX Badass

My relationship with addiction

“October 16, 2016 is my birthday; the day I started to really live. In my first year of sobriety I came out publicly about my childhood, I owned my story……..” we get the point. Wtf happened that I decided to start drinking after over two years of not drinking? Looks like I had it all figured out right? WRONG!! Judging a book by its cover goes hand in hand with assumptions.

Well let’s first point out I am not doing drugs and drugs was my issue and alcohol is not a drug unless you are in the program, and yea lets add that I have said many times something along the lines of “you’ll never see me smoke a joint and crave a rail where alcohol I would” well lets call it what it is. Bullshit! I’m a people pleaser to the worst extent. I will change myself to be liked by as many people as possible. Here’s the thing though; you cant please everyone. That saying about weed and drinking was all because I was justifying my marijuana use.

So why was I justifying my weed smoking? It is legal now, and well it is BC where we got some of the best weed ever (I have no facts on this but lets just agree on this) and almost everyone smokes (again speculation lol). When I quit partying I pretty much gave up my social life too and as a huge people person who thrives on human interaction I was missing something. I started going to meetings to make new friends and figure our sober life. Guess what though…… Smoking weed is not kosher in the recovery life. Well there goes that idea. So I just became a hermit and smoked a shit ton of weed. Like enough weed to call it a problem.

So cocaine and drinking to excessive pot smoking.

Then I started this local challenge called the Total Makeover Challenge www.totalmakeoverchallenge.com and the weed smoking paired with binge eating alone took over. This is the first time I have mentioned the binge eating, which I barely do anymore. 2017 was an epic year!! I was coming out of my shell and owning my life and my past and moving forward, but was living this lie of an unhappy marriage and forcing sobriety on my husband. When he left I was like yes!!! I can drink again!!! I was too afraid of other peoples opinions that I started over justifying why I was sober. I would excessively put myself down and only bring up the bad memories to remind myself I had to be sober to live this good life. Remember I grew up pretending and I am really really good at it.

2018 was not as great of a year. I had some successes, but I was lost as a person. Still sober though guys so life is great right? Wrong!! My addiction was now sex and acceptance. I will save my year breakdown for a book, and trust me it will be juicy, raw and hilarious. Between the game playing, ghosting, chasers, cheaters, occasional nice guys and all around fucktards it will be a read you wont want to put down. I will say this though…….

It all comes down to addiction “behaviour is reinforcing (rewarding or pleasurable), loss of control in limiting intake.”

Well then don’t worry guys! I’m only addicted to sex, drugs and food.

If your friend says “I had a tough day and I am going to wind down with a glass of wine” do you jump and say “but you drank a glass yesterday” or “that scares me” btw if you think someone has an actual problem I insist you have a gentle conversation with them. Maybe I shouldn’t have a glass of wine while blogging, or have a few drinks celebrating the New Year but thats my choice as an adult to make.

Tonight I enjoyed about 8 oz of wine while cleaning out my new office and blogging. Doesn’t seem too counterproductive to me.

I am not justifying my choices, but instead offering people an insight. When you’ve lived through the shit I have lived through it is sheer will and determination that I am not doing much worse than I am. I seek change and if people out there can relate with me and be vulnerable or at least be less hard on themselves my work is done. I have chosen to be easy on myself in 2019 and I really hope you will follow suit.

XX Badass

Bring on the New Year with all new perspective.

Never fails does it!? That saying “can’t teach an old dog new tricks” kind of reminds me of my life! I take on so much that when I get overwhelmed I just hide out until it all goes away, but does it “go away” no! It just becomes more stuff to do and some things I have to let go. Being a “normal” person is hard work!! As Badass as I am, I still have so much to deal with and learn.

This past year has been one for the record books, but I intend on having a better year in 2019. 2018 showed me what I am capable of and to slow it down. It is not a race to a finish line. It’s my life! Those shitty men I was surrounding myself with…. Gone! The impulsive behaviour, like getting a dog,….. in check! All the Askholes? Gone!! This is my year to grow my family ties deeper and to grow as a person on the inside.

All these hardships this year come down to how I feel about myself. Now that I am aware of that I can change it. I don’t need to be who you want me to be, but I will be who I am meant to be and that is understood and respected. I slept around some in this past year because I finally felt comfortable in my own skin to give myself to someone. Sadly, I was giving myself away for nothing in return. I have some great stories to share one day though, when I’m ready. The worst part of these adventures is that some people are such shamers. Just because I chose to act slutty doesn’t mean anyone gets to call me a slut. Sex shaming, parent shaming and all shaming in general is a shitty thing to do. Keep that shit to yourself thanks.

Then there’s comments like “Bonnie, your not ready for a relationship” or “Bonnie you need to put more effort into your kids” and a slew of other comments. My response? My life, my mistakes and my journey to growth. I grew up being talked to like this and it can stop anytime thanks!

So here it is….. I have some news that personally is none of anyone’s business, but I did choose this life of public speaking and vulnerability. I. Have. A. Boyfriend. AND….. I have recently chosen to incorporate alcohol into my life.

It’s funny how other people drink and its okay. I choose to have a drink and omg Bonnie is making a mistake. I enjoyed sobriety for I feel it helped me get through some tough shit like my childhood molestation, but I quit to save my marriage because I was afraid of him leaving me. I have wanted to have a drink occasionally and am told by friends that I shouldn’t, or I can’t , or to be careful……… please do not throw stones in a glass house. Or be smarter and live in a normal house like I do where people make mistakes hahahaha.

Well thats all I got for now! I am hoping to start the new year with some great fucking content. Some funny shit and some stuff people don’t talk about because their scared of other peoples opinions. Well I am done hiding myself because of opinions. Join me on this side~

XX Badass

Not everyone is meant to like me.

Where have I been, you ask? In a dark corner wrapped up in a blanket making excuses thats where! Does this sound familiar to you? Well, you are not alone. I make excuses as to why I haven’t been working my business to it’s highest potential. Easy answer, because I wasn’t ready to 110% be authentic, yet everyone thinks I am. So, today I drop the excuses and level up on my authenticity.

After an incredible year of being sober, starting a tribe, becoming an author/speaker and so much more it seemed everything halted. Some people have noticed and others have not, but what matters is I noticed. Not only did I notice, but I knew the reason why. All I have ever wanted in life was to be accepted and loved. I would like to add respected, but I haven’t been respected much growing up and I’m not talking about the respect I earned from a not so legal lifestyle either. I wanted acceptance and I was getting that, but I was also allowing anyone into my life with not so much a second thought. I’ve learnt acceptance from unaccepting people is not what I want.

I have been used, abused and taken advantage of from boyfriends and so called friends in the last year. I allow it too. Because I am a people pleaser, and I give many chances until I finally get burned so bad I can’t even complain about it because I let it happen. I have been called out by people for being a horrible person that says horrible things because once I get burned I get mad. Not a little bit mad, but like threaten you mad. Not my proudest moment okay.

What can I do to not get in a place where I feel like a bad person? Well for starters I can start setting up boundaries and sticking to them. I like helping people, it is in my nature to help people, but I can only help those that are willing to help themselves through the process. I also have realized that if someone is not willing to help you it’s probably a good indication you should keep walking because someone else could really use the help and will return the favour if ever needed.

For example, I just had my 2 year sobriety birthday and I received two phone calls. That’s right. 2. Last year, I arranged for a 1 year celebration at my house. I was surrounded by great company and given speeches that made me cry with joy. I felt accepted 100%. This year I realized I put too much effort in making friends. I would much rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies. So, my 2 year sobriety was fast approaching and I didn’t plan a damn thing. I received my two phone calls that made me cry again because I am so fucking proud of myself. Those two phone calls meant much more to me than the hustle I put into accommodating others on my day. Yes, I received a generous amount of fb posts that day, but these two phone calls came from two people that knew my date because it is on their calendars, not because they were reminded by a post I posted. Quarters!

The day you stop living for others and start living for yourself is a great day. Being selfish is what sets the winners apart, and I mean selfish in I come first and foremost because when I am the best Bonnie I can be I get to reward myself by helping you.

I am becoming more Bonnie everyday.

Next up is owning who I am, and my defects.

Life, death and everything in between

It has been two weeks since the funeral of my ex’s father, Fred, a man who I hold close to my heart. I wanted to blog every day since his passing, but I simply couldn’t get myself to sit down and write. It’s kind of like everything in my life right now. I am so quick to put things aside and not think about them. It is a lot of work to live a fulfilling life when you’re so used to simply existing.

Today I have started using the 5 second rule that Mel Robbins discusses. When our brain has an idea we need to act on it right then and there, otherwise we are already onto the next idea or thought. So today I woke up after five hours of sleep and I thought of going back to bed I went 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 blast off and got the fuck out of bed. Then I thought, hey I haven’t made a big breakfast in awhile, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 blast off. Then I thought, shit when is the last time I took the kids out for something fun to do? 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 blast off. So, I got my ass out of bed, made a big breakfast that I ate with my kids, and I took the kids to Get Air for a little bit of fun time.

As I sit here watching the kids jump around, listening to Hotel California in the background which reminds me of Fred the man I grew to admire for his soft personality and wisdom without having to speak much, I think back to his life and his death. So here’s the thing, Fred’s death was more than just him dying it was the end of a chapter that needed closing. It was the end of a family and the beginning of me learning to let go.

For you to fully understand the grief I went through you need to understand that I considered myself very close to this mans family for over 7 years. I don’t have much family, so when I was dating Fred’s son for 7+ years I also gained a HUGE family. I thought I had long gotten over the loss of this family when I left the man who gave me my last child. Surprise, I was not over it until the day Fred was buried.

When I went to prayer service the night before his funeral I was hit hard with nostalgia. The music playing in the background reminded me of our time together. See, every morning for years I would bring my coffee cup downstairs and have some of Fred’s freshly brewed coffee, it was always so good with lots of kick, and have my morning smoke with him. Sometimes (most times) we didn’t talk much, but we had each other and these moments; they were our moments. Sitting through prayer service, I was hit with a rush of memories and some were happy, but many were hard to remember. It was also very uncomfortable to be around people that were once considered family and now were not.

I only had to get through that funeral, and I could go on with my life….. Or so I thought. The funeral must’ve had over 100 people there, or at least close to. There was so many people there, and most of them were his family. The sobbing was always in the back of my throat. I was not sure where to sit, and my ex wanted me upfront with him and our son, but I am not super liked with his immediate family and thought I had better stay back a little. I was trying my best to be there for my ex, as this wasn’t the place to hold grudges. When I looked at Fred one last time I felt so sad I didn’t visit him a bit more when he was sick, but I know we had each other in a magical way during these times. He was no longer in pain and I could really let go of the past. If it wasn’t for Fred and some other family members I would’ve left this relationship a long time before. So essentially I was grieving the loss again, but infinitely.

Now the part that people don’t understand is because of my past trauma’s I am a very emotional person. I feel deeply, and sadness is painful for me. I was not welcome at that funeral by two people who I considered family and thought would be family for life. One of them even cut my sons umbilical cord and helped me through one of my most painful labours ever. Someone who helped me keep my head up through years with a man who didn’t think highly of me. It was such a painful day to say good bye to one man who I loved as a father and the big family I always wanted but cannot hold on to anymore.

And so, I said good bye to Fred, and inside I realized it was time to move on. I took some takeaways with me from that funeral that will change my life. I have not one picture of Fred and I, very few of my son with his grandpa, and little memories with him in his last months when I knew he was sick. I learnt that you cannot take anything to the grave with you except your memories and your tattoos, so time to capture both! Take more pictures and take time to check in on the people you love because tomorrow is not promised.

The man talking at this funeral said Fred would’ve wanted us all happy, and if you knew Fred you would agree. He had no patience for bullshit, and he stuck up for me on many occasions. Thank you Fred-o for that. He also spoke about how short life is and holding grudges is a waste of energy. I have tried to mend the broken ties between myself and others, but until they can inhale compassion and exhale the grudge there is no point.

I am in a really good place today and letting this out has been therapeutic. If anyone knows about losing people in their lives it is me and I know that the people who leave you simply weren’t meant to stay, but those of you that have (you know who you are) stayed in my life I am thankful for you and our bond that is strong enough to get through the bullshit because that is all it is bullshit! We get one life, so lets make it a damn worthwhile one! Don’t hold grudges for it will surely dampen your inner happiness.

XX Badass Bon

Single and not ready to mingle

I left my blog last about people in our lives and how they are here for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I believe I have learnt something from every person I have ever met, but this last person I learnt a lot about me! Yea, who would’ve thought I would see something good out of something so terrible right. What did I learn? Well most of it I already knew (like how fucking Badass I am) and the length I will go for love. Here’s the thing though; I’ve had it all here right in front of my eyes! These kids that drive me crazy!! Yep, my kids!! My friends who refuse to let me go. The bro’s who all have my back. My asshole pets. My nieces, nephew, newfound Bio Dad and that huge tribe I have built. Have I missed something? YES!!!! Me!!!! I have to love me fully in order to extend that love beyond my immediate priorities.

So, I sit here writing this embarrassed with a broken ego but with more hope than I have ever had. Remember that steam train I’ve been on all year? It was going so damn fast and all of a sudden I felt like I was living the life! I was speaking at large events, booking even more, sitting on a board, becoming an author, and, and, and all of a sudden it wasn’t enough. It’s that addict mentality of go-go-go that I am used to, and on my downtime I needed more stimulation, and so I started online dating. Before I knew it I was consumed by it, and then not long later I have a boyfriend. I didn’t even want a boyfriend for fucks sakes, but he made himself seem so desirable and had me questioning my decision to stay single. Like I would miss the best damn thing ever! So I bit!! Romance, sex, intimacy, touch, belonging, happy, wanted are a few things I experienced with this man, but something wasn’t feeling right. Maybe the friends who voiced their opinions, maybe the pit bull who growled at him nonstop at my friends or maybe the things he’d mutter under his breath started making me uneasy.

Then on August 30, 2018 I woke up to this guy throwing my phone in my face calling me a damn whore and a fat disgusting pig. Oh boy, not this scene again. I’ve done the abusive boyfriend thing and I am not into playing ball. He went through a whole year of messages, and yes I could have erased some numbers and messages but why after a month into a relationship? I should have ran right there, but he cried and I felt like he must love me if he is hurt right? No!! Run the fuck away now! Then he spat on me! Again, GTFO!!

I eased the situation and promised no harm no foul. Until that weekend. “I don’t like what your wearing. Those are whore pants, and my wife wouldn’t wear that.” 1. I am someone’s wife still but not yours buddy 2. I’ll dress accordingly ie. how the heck I want.

Of course I stayed with him because I like chaos, no let me rephrase, I am used to chaos but no longer need to live with it in my life. And so, yesterday I made the call that I was going to break it off. Did I mention he moved in at this point? Judge all you want, your opinions are not my business, but the point is I was not going to take this kind of abuse ever again. I came home to get this going, but I was shocked when he attacked me about putting a password on my ipad and then boom he’s chasing me. I called 911. He tackled me. Hit me. Then he was gone……….. in my Van… with my cell…. with my dog!!!

End story, I am single. Staying that way, and if any man thinks he can step up and handle a badass crazy like me you better be Effin amazing to make me change my mind.

On a serious note though, it made me think about the feeling of being alone and I realized I am not alone. I would pick sleeping alone for the rest of my life over being spat on any day. I have my tribe and that is enough. As for this chaotic go go go mentality it is gone. I am embarking on getting my health back so that I can learn how to cope without filling the void. Along with extreme dedication and a friend willing to push me in the right direction I am back. Not 100% mentally back, but I am here with more presence than these past few months.

So stay tuned because y’all gotta know this was just the tip of the iceberg. Teen depression, suicide, drug abuse, boundaries, overly sensory children and dog training are just a few of the things I have experienced this summer. Coming up to 2 years of sobriety and I can only be excited for what is to come!

XX Badass Bon